Does a child have the right to know that they were almost adopted?

Question

If a person was placed for adoption as an infant, but after he had been placed with the adoptive parents for months, the biological mother changed her mind regained custody, does he have the right to know?

I know it is very imortant to for a person to know that they were adopted, but is it their right to know that they were almost adopted, and were treated as someone elses child, and cared for by another family? Do you think it would be damaging to find this information out as an adult if your mother never told you?

(this is not my situation, just something that I'm curious about)

Answer 1

YES. They absolutely have a right to know all of their story, not just the pieces that the adults think is good for them.

That information should of course be shared in a gentle way.

something along the lines of

I just couldn't bear to let you go...
I did what everyone told me would be best for you.....
Would you like to know more about the family I chose for you?

Answer 2

Of course the child should know!!!
Lies are terrible, even lies of omission. Imagine if that child grows up and finds out by some other means that they were given up for a period of time. The trust in that childs parents would just go down the drain.
Adoption, separation, anything, even for a short time can be very damaging as Julie has discussed. So it is important for the child to know.
Talking about difficult things can also be a great way to bond, instead of harming the parent/child relationship, I believe it would make it stronger. It would be a way for the parents to show their child that they loved them too much to give them away, and also show them that the child is trusted by discussing it with them.

Answer 3

If you both are not absolutely trilled with the idea of adoption, than you should not be adopting. Your husband should try to understand your position as the primary care giver. It takes more that money to raise children. I understand you completely. My youngest is 12 and at one time we considered adoption. At my age and with our lifestyle I cannot image another small child in our lives. You are not being selfish. It is finally time for you to have time for yourself. It's about time too.

Answer 4

I am shocked that people are acknowledging it would be hurtful for a child to know that their mom ALMOST gave them up for adoption, yet some of these same people don't understand that it's also to hurtful to ACTUALLY be given up for adoption. How does this make any sense?

Anyway, as to the actual question... Yes, the child should be told, absolutely. People should know the stories of their lives--the WHOLE story. And as Julie said, there could be repercussions of the separation that might manifest later, that the child/person should be aware of.

Lies--even lies by omission--are never a good idea in a parent-child relationship. Never.

Answer 5

I think that being truthful and honest may help avoid distrust or anger down the road. Understanding why and using the experience as an opportunity to learn & grow can turn something that may have been negative to something very positive. Usually parents do not put their children up for adoption because they don't love them, but because they do love them and think someone else can provide a better life for them. Maybe something similar happened here?

Answer 6

In the OP's scenario, where the child was actually in the custody of another family for a number of months, I think the child deserves to know. It is his/her history.

However, if an expectant mother "makes an adoption plan," but decides to parent before the child is ever with another family, then I think that would be the mother's decision whether or not to share that info since the decision didn't directly affect the child and his/her life. (I think that would be similar to Peace Yo's situation).

Answer 7

i am an adoptee and yes it would be very upsetting to me if i was away from mom and then suddenly brught back. i think it should be right that you should tell them everything and why. its just so there are no skeltons in the closet you never know what a person would do if they found out and we're holding this against you to tell your child. i would want to know.

Answer 8

If a child were told - they would have to feel MORE loved - they were kept.
That's a wonderful thing.
They were kept.

It's the child's history.
The more that truth is upheld in parent/child relationships - the stronger the relationship will be.

Answer 9

I think it depends on many things, I think truth is always the best thing because finding out by accident that you lived a lie is terrible.

You could tell them now and risk them being angry or abandoned but in the long run giving them the truth they will eventually forgive you and understand your circumstances.

You could keep it from them. This could reduce tension and anger in the short term. If they never find out then it would be the best but the down side is they may remember it deep down (which is possible I did) and something might trigger them to find out themselves or they may find out by accident. If they find out this way, they may completely lose their trust in you, no matter how much they forgive you, it would always be difficult to trust you again.

Answer 10

The child MUST know this, as any child should be made aware they were separated at birth - preemie, kidnapped, adoptee, or almost-adoptee.

Being separated at birth is a trauma to the child and, if unresolved (that is, not acknowledged, validated, AND worked through), WILL create neuroses and other mental disorders stemming from PTSD - from mild to severe.

So, what is damaging is to have the information KEPT from the child.