how do you tell 7yr old his dads not his dad !?

Question

I have 2 kids , 7 and 5 , they have different dads, I split up with the 7yr olds dad while I was pregnant with him and met someone eles while he was a young baby. hes grown up thinking his stepdad is his dad, when he was nearly 2 i had my 2nd child with his step dad , a couple of years ago we split up , and my ex has both kids (occasionly ) and they still dont know they have different dads,
my son is only 7 and so far Its not seemed right to explain yet as he hasnt even approached the birds and the bees and so I felt that he may not fully understand the biological part and end up confused , hurt ..... rejected feeling .
but my ex has now boldly decided that its time to tell him and basically if I dont now he will .
so how do I approach this with a 7yr old , The one thought so far is with drawing up a family tree together ... I dont want to make it into a big deal , so he feels like hes ment to react as hes only 7 ,just slowly introduce the idea of him having 2 dads to build on !

Answer 1

ummmm if your husband has been raising him and treating him like he is his then he IS the dad.

Just tell him he is blessed because he has two earthly dads that love him. One takes care of him and the other helped to make him.

Answer 2

This is a tough one - but, one to deal with now! The family tree idea is a good one, but here is something else to build on...tell your son the truth.
The truth doesn't have to include the "birds and the bees" - simply that mom met "daddy" when he was very young and a family was created. The sad part is that you've split with your husband - but, that can be overcome with the help from "dad" - if he's willing.
Where is the bio-dad in all of this??? If he's not accessible or not willing to be a part of your son's life, then you'll have to be even stronger to reach out and fill in the gaps. Hopefully, you have your own family to help you through this with your son.

Blessings.

Answer 3

I don't understand why your ex is all of a sudded insisting on telling this child that. Is he tired of sharing parenting for him? Where is your son's biological father...is he available and willing to know him. You need to talk to your ex before you talk to your son. Ask him what his intentions are. If his intentions are to start treating your son like a "step" child then you need to know before hand. If he still wants to act like he's your son's dad then you should both get together and tell him together. That way your son still feels loved even though he's hearing this.
If your ex doesn't want to have a fatherly role in his life anymore that's going to be extremely hard on your son and I would suggest seeking a good counselor for him and you. Don't approach it as a "two dad" deal. If his biological father is not in the picture and willing to be a part of his life he may feel like he's loosing 2 dads...especially if he feels any rejections from your ex.
It's going to be really tough...but I'll be in the same boat soon. Good Luck!

Answer 4

I have adopted my daughter, so the concept of more than one mum or dad is not a strange one to her. I believe in telling the child as soon as possible (obviously in terms they understand and not the whole story at once) and building on the concept as they grow older.

The longer you wait, the harder it will be for him to accept. I don't believe it is too late to do it now. Don't disregard the fact that his stepdad is obviously his real father, while the other man is just his birth father. It is important for him to know that he his birth father exists though.

Begin slowly and I would discuss this with his step-father properly before talking to your son. He should not do this without you or you without him as your son sees the both of you as his parents. Your son will need your reassurance that his birth circumstances make no difference to the way you love him or how much he is needed in your family.

Kids understand more than we give them credit and the earlier they know about their stories, the more normal it becomes in their lives as they get older.

I would begin by telling him you had a friend (decide if your are going to refer to his birth dad as your boyfriend or something else) before you met his dad who became very special to you. You were young and found out you were going to have a baby. Simplify the reasons for your break-up (eg boyfriend not ready to be a dad, had some bad arguments, etc) and go on to say that you met his dad while you were still pregnant.

After explaining that you met his dad (step-dad) while you were still pregnant, ask him something about what he believes a dad to be or what he thinks a real dad does. This way you can identify that your ex is his dad in every way that counts, while his birth father is only that - his birth father.

The simplified version of your story can be built on as he gets older. Be ready for questions as they will come and be as open and honest about answering as you can. Kids usually don't ask questions they aren't ready to get answers for. They do a lot of thinking prior to questioning. Try to be as positive as you can about his birth dad because this person is part of who your son is, too. (Was he good looking like your son, did he have a good sense of humour, was he kind while you were together, did he like sport? ) This may be hard but you have to put aside your feelings about him so your son can still have a positive feeling about who he is.

Being honest and being real as a parent are the two best gifts you can give to your children. And just remember to include your other child in this discussion at some point. Your son is their brother and he/she needs to know that although he now has a different birth father to him/her, his/her brother will still be the same and that nothing will change how you all feel about one another.

All the best as you make this big decision and I know you will be okay. I think children appreciate the fact that their parents don't always get it right and make mistakes too.

Answer 5

Okay firstly I am a mother who was in the same situation. Firstly you must tell him. Sex educationalists say that by age 7-8 children are ready to be told simply about how a baby is made. Their are a few good books on this. Ask your librarian or go to family planning - they will advise on best books. I had a really good one when my girls were little but have forgotten name. Sit down and read it with both your children. A 7 year old and in fact a 5 year old is ready for the basics. All this crap that they are not ready is not true. After you do this, follow up (in about a day or two or week) about the special day he was born and how he was very much loved and still is. Tell him that he was made when his real father and you had a special cuddle in bed and that he did not remain in your family because the two of you were not happy to live together as man and wife but that did not mean that you did not care about each other or did not mean that you did not each love him. Tell him then how you met your current partner and that you were happy to live with him and this is why you and him are together now. Remind him that this man loves him dearly and is a good Daddy. Tell him that he is very loved by both Daddy's, his brother and you. Do not say "real daddy' in the explanations. Tell him it is okay to call both fathers "Daddy" if he asks and that it means a lot to both of them. Tell your 5 year old son exactly the same story.
I have been through this and I beg you to tell your son now. Waiting for longer has dire consequences. It is best to tell when young as children are resilient. This is what I was told by a counsellor. I also advise to talk to a family counsellor to get their opinion and advice on the best way to go about it. I waited too long....with my daughter (she was 14) and this was bad...although through alot of love everything is fine now. Be sure that both men in your life try to show their love equally to both sons. They will not love the child that is not theirs biologically the same as their own and this is normal. Sometimes hard to understand. Don't expect them too. However, it is not expecting too much to ask them to treat them with the same respect and love. Good luck Added later: Sorry I didn['t realise you were split up from the 5 year olds father as well. You need to tell both your children why that relationship did not work in a very simple way without putting your ex down in any way. Remind them both how he loves them both dearly. Again I suggest both your ex and you go to counselling together to sort this out in the best interests of both your children. If possible include the 7 year olds biological Dad as well. In counselling you can also sort out what all your needs are as parents and the best ways to fulfill these needs as well as the childrens to ensure everyone is happy with the outcome.

Answer 6

If the step dad is still in his life why would he want to say something now? This sounds fishy. If he is pushing to tell him. Ask if he is trying to push him out of his life because he isn't his biological kid?

If you decide to tell him I think the drawings will work best with a 7 year old.

Where is his father? Is it possible for him to have a relationship with him? If not be honest with him.

Answer 7

If you had this conversation with him when he was younger even if he did not understand it would not be as hard as it is now. So definitely do it NOW! The longer you wait the harder it will be.You know your son better than any one. .However you approach the subject reassure him that his step dad loves him .Tell him exactly what happened. Don't forget you will have to do this again in a couple of years.

Answer 8

This will be hard no matter how you do it, and his "dad" insisting is cruel. I highly recommend you seek professional help. A councelor will be far more helpful than Yahoo Answers, as well intentioned as everyone may be...this will scar him for life, how badly is up to you. If your insurance does not cover family councelling, the state may have help for you. Call around and find out where you can get help.

Best of luck to all of you.

Answer 9

Its a personal call really. How do you think your son will react ? What could the long term affects be for him ? only you can judge that. But you have to be able to explain to him why he is in jail, and make sure your son knows this is what happens when you do something bad. But with him not having much to do with him anyway....I would say probably not to worry about it unless he asks you. A child can grow to feel rejected from a parent as is when they dont communicate in any form. So its your call mom.

Answer 10

It won't benefit the child for him to know.You and the ex both need to be quiet.
If he finds out later in life, he just finds out.Deal with it then.
If you tell him now he will want to see his real dad and resent not being with a real parent as well seeing you lost custody to his step dad!
He is just 7.He will also get angry,bitter and use this against everyone to justify any bad behaviors he may develop.

Answer 11

If your son has grown up believing your current ex is his dad, that tells me his bio-dad has never been part of his life, and to me, that means his bio-dad simply isn't his dad. "Dad" is more emotional than it is physiological -- any idiot can deposit his sperm and make a child, but it takes "more" to be a Dad.

Please explain this to your current ex, because this could also psychologically hurt your other son. Explain to your ex that his suddenly telling a child who has believe he was his Dad could be permanently psychologically damaging.

I would suggest you see a child development counselor for advice. If you cannot afford one, go to your local Social Services, and they will be more than happy to direct you to a counselor.

At seven, your son is really much too young emotionally to be able to absorb and digest this "alien" information.