My children have extreme sibling rivalry and I am at my wit's end please help!!!?

Question

I am a single mom age 29. My children are ages 7 and 4 (almost 5), both boys. Alex is the older one and Nathan is the younger one. I don't show any favoritism towards either one, I go out of my way to make sure neither one of them is treated any differently than the other.

I know that some sibling rivalry of course is normal and to be expected, but this goes on all day, every day!!! "Nathan stuck his tongue out at me" "Mom, Alex hit me..." I've tried everything, I've put them both in timeouts, taken privileges away, even put them both to bed and make them take a nap when they get overbearing and they won't stop! Nothing works and I am completely drained; if you have any ideas of how to at least slow down the fighting or completely nip it, please, PLEASE help me.

They are just constantly at each other all day; not even a 5 minute break in between their fighting. I even have gone out of my way to notice the very few times throughout the day that they are playing nice and I will tell them it's so great that they're playing nice together, but nothing works.

Answer 1

I'm shooting from the hip here but it sounds like they're one uping each other for your attention. You said you're a single mom, does the father play a role here? Do they act this way for him? I'm speaking from experience when I say that my brother and I pulled some really bad things to get our mother's attention. Not to alarm you but this went on well into our teen years. I look back on all that now after reading your question and asked myself why. It seems that I only truly felt closer to my mother when she was at odds with my brother. This sounds wierd but it was true. I'm sure theres a shrink out there that will jump all over this one. If you can show them that no matter how they treat each other you are still close to them you might have an edge here. I don't know if this was helpful but I wish you the best.

Answer 2

Extreme Sibling Rivalry

Answer 3

Actually, I would advise that you avoid any kind of 'low-order' punishments as much as possible. It is imperative that children of such a young age view their parents as being united and invincible and god-like. Things such as spanking, making them go to their room or taking away their toys are simple, physical punishments that the kids themselves can understand. Using such punishments will give them the idea that you are only human, that you aren't really any more than them and that they can get power over you.

Instead, you should try to use psychological warfare, to so speak, whenever possible. Don't punish; manipulate. Often, parents feel that it is necessary to intervene whenever their children are getting in even the slightest bit of trouble. However, this is giving the kids attention, and soon they will find that bothering their siblings is a good way to get attention. Instead, I would advise that you wait until either one, they get really violent, or two, one of them comes to you for help of their own accord. When this happens, don't give attention to the perpetrator; start by ignoring them and telling the victim what they should do if they are being targeted (i.e., come to you, say such-and-such to the other sibling, etc). This way the perpetrator will figure out that perpetrators don't get attention, and this will decrease his incentive to attack. However, it's also difficult to avoid appearing biased this way, so it might be a good idea to talk in objective terms, not about what 'you' should do if 'he' does something, but what 'someone' should do if 'someone else' does something; that way both the victim and the perpetrator get the idea. Remember, more talking. Always make sure they both know exactly what you mean, and always try to appear more intelligent, less biased and less emotional than they know they themselves to be.

Getting your kids to act properly is a tough job, and it can take a long time. The most important thing is, DON'T GIVE UP. You're stronger than the kids, you can keep up the psychological warfare longer than they can, and you need to make sure they realize that.

Answer 4

You are not alone here. I had this problem with my boys, I tried about everything from taking away everything to punnishment, finally I did 2 things that helped alot. first, if found something special that they both really liked to do, and every week that they wouldn't fight we would go and do it on the weekend. the other was that when they would fight, i would tell tham that there behaviour wasn't alloud in my house, and would put them in the back yard until they ould get along, even at night in the rain. a few times of being cold and wet really worked wonders. One thing that you ahve to remember is fallow threw. If you say that you will put them outside, then put them outside, and do it without screaming, and yelling, just be firm and to the point. anather thing to remember, even though you don't show favorites, you need to show them that they are both special, have one stay with a friend, or relitive for a few hours, and spend special time with the other, go for icecream, maybe a movie, or whatever, then the next time is the others turn. It does'nt have to be anything big, the best thing for them is that special time with you for each of them. I know that this can be hard, but nobody said that being a parrent was easy.

Answer 5

You know kids are only different today because how all these rules and "new" ideas of raising children have made some parents forget, that they are in control, not the kids. When I was a kid (the oldest of three) my Daddy put us to work when we fought got in trouble, or just looked him the wrong way (rolling of eyes). And boy let me tell ya, it worked! I use the same on mine. Baseboards get cleaned, dishes and laundry get washed, and my feet rubbed! Keep in mind you are teaching them disipline as well. Kids want this. Believe me. I know it sounds awful to some, but they respect you. Your kids are not too young to start this type of disipline. This works alot better than say sitting in the corner. I mean really they are looking @ a wall, and then what?? If they are washing dishes or doing laundry (something with there hands) this is theraputic, and helps them think better. They may moan & groan about it, but don't be weak and back down, keep firm. Make sure that the chore is done. They obviously have way too much time on there hands, intstead of keeping them busy. I promise they will learn to not only respect Mom, but they will respect each other and learn to keep house and take care of themselves like good little boys should learn early on. This will also help them with future hygiene problems as well. They will learn how important it is to you and them how things need to be done around house to keep a clean enviroment it will be easier for them to adapt to. Boys tend to go through that stinky stage as they get older, not wanting to shower, and all. So Mom, grab some laundry and send the seven year old into the laundry room for a lesson in household duties, while the nearly 5 year old is dusting the table! Good luck!! PS. If all else fails, grab a bottle of wine, the phone, and make a mad dash for the bathroom...don't forget to lock the door. Call up a girlfriend, invite her over for a few (tell her to meet you in the bathroom) and have a blast!! :) So, here's to your sanity! Cheers!! :)

Answer 6

Having 2 siblings myself, you should try to find something that the both of them really enjoy doing and have them do it together.

It could also be the ages and the fact that they are both boys and hopefully they will grow out of it.

Otherwise, I'm not really sure what to tell you...I know this isn't a solution, but perhaps you could apply to the SuperNanny show :) I've watched that show before and she seems to really help people out, but I know that's not a real solution.

I hope things work out for you!

Answer 7

I have 2 similar ages 7&5 and I know the "he did" "she did" thing.

basically unless theres a real injury or witnessed incident of seriousness to each other then I dont do anything , tonge pokeing dosnt hurt, and the odd light tap to each other wont kill them , you know as a mum that when ones really gone for the other , you hear screams rather than them coming to find you to tell you about it.
it sounds you know that there competeing to score points by getting you to tell the other off so dont play the game and if they keep coming back still withmore " he did... " even after youve said your not interested then pick the pair of them up on it , like " right then if you two cant get on then that (eg.)dvd I was going to let you watch tonight will not be going on " and dont get in to a debate with them , your mum what you say goes end of ...no debating arguing , turn around walk out the room make a coffe and read a magazine through the complaints !!!! lol !! like the fingers in your ear lalalla im not listneing type of thing

i do this . .... gritted teeth ...but it can be done

Answer 8

You have to STOP GIVING the attention that you give them when they are fighting. Children want attention even negative attention. IF they are not putting themselves in harms way and if they are not hurting themselves than don't pay attention to them!!! I know it's hard but it's what they want and they will do any thing to get your attention. Tell them that if they aren't nice with each other than you will not read them their book or something that they want to do. You have to as hard as it is not pay attention to them unless they are in danger of getting hurt or hurting each other. IF that happens than you make the one who did the hurting, go to his room and make a big deal of the one who was hurt. This shows them what they want to happen does not happen. Once they realize that they won't get the attention that they want when they fight they will stop fighting and will play to gether more. It won't be easy and it might not happen right away, they will test this new situation and once they realized that it won't change then they will stop the fighting as much and get along better. Unfortunately it won't ever stop all together.

Answer 9

I am an only child luckily for me I think. My friends with siblings often thought the other was the favourite. In other words 2 sisters would complain to me that their parents thought the other was favourite. They can't both be favourite. It was just that at that particular time 1 had misbehaved. Sometimes the "rejected " child doesn't strive to do better. They behave badly in order to get attention. Every family is different.

Answer 10

I've heard the book Siblings Without Rivalry to be highly recommended. I don't have any other advice to you, but thought the book might be of interest.

You might also try time outs from each other.