I have a problem with my 13 year old daughter. I am very worried. What should I do?

Question

My 13 year old daughter started high school this week. Her school is 6 blocks away from home. I told on the first day that she needs to call me when she gets home from school everyday and she doesn't want to. I ask her why and she said that she is worried that when her 10 year old sister is in high school, she will not have to call me when she gets home from school everyday. She is afraid that her sister will have more freedom than her. I told her that her sister will have to call me everyday too and I care about their safety equally and she doesn't believe me. She said her sister always get away with everything and it is not fair. I admit that my younger one got more freedom, but I would still make my 10 year old call me everyday afterschool when she is in high school soon. I understand that my 13 yr old feel unfair. She will not do something bad behind my back, but I still need her to call me everyday afterschool because I fear her safety. I trust her 100%. I only don't trust others.

Answer 1

This is the problem with being so young, isn't it? She is more concerned with whether her ten year old sister will have to call you three years from now, then she is with whether you are worried that she has been molested or kidnapped.

Don't take any back chat on this one. You are 100% right and there is no compromise. Emphasize that you trust her completely and tell her that she is going to have to face the fact that life is not equal and fair all the time - it's not fair for you, either, or for anyone else. Part of growing up is realizing that.

You might be able to sweeten the deal by giving her something the younger one cannot have and sticking with it - maybe staying up later, or some other privilege. Then point out to her that she has that over her sister.

Answer 2

if you live in a bad neighborhood or you come home several hours later than your daughter, i understand the reason for this. however, if you live in a good, safe neighborhood, you might want give her a bit of slack, because teens really do crave freedom. maybe you could have a close, trusted neighbor look out the window to make sure she got home safe. or maybe have her go to a friend's house while you aren't home, but set some guidelines, say, her homework needs to be done by the time she's picked up (they can work together). those are just some ideas..
whatever you decide, just show your daughter that you care about her, acknowledge that she's growing up, and listen to her point of view (as long as she is being respectful & not rude). teenagers love it when you listen to what they have to say. whatever you do, please don't come down on her with an iron fist. that can really push her away from you. (that happened in my family). make it easy for her to discuss things with you, compromise sometimes, but don't let her walk all over you. you should have mutual respect for each other :)
good luck with everything!

Answer 3

You admit you treat your younger daughter different.

Unfortunately, you have admittedly created this problem.

Whatever treatment your older daughter is talking about, it must be rectified. You must treat your daughters equally if you expect to make any changes in lifestyle of your eldest daughter. She has to be secure in the thought that you will expect the same from her sister. The fact that they may be completely different in personalities is irrelevant.

Your eldest is rebellious by nature at this point, she is looking for Independence any way possible. Try giving something (freedom of something) up in return for the phone calls after school.

DO NOT demand anything ! !

That is a sure way to push any teenager straight off the deep end. Teens need to feel more grown up, compromise, face to face at the table. Sit up straight, and converse WITH her. As she feels more comfortable with talking WITH you, you should see her body mimic yours. She should straighten up, maybe even lean towards you, look you in the eye to try and make her point. At this point you MUST be listening fully to what she is trying to get across. Acknowledge what she is saying, and applaud her on her thought processes. Firmly reiterate your point in her calling, and ask what she thinks she is in-titled to as a 13 year old. And compromise on just a few of her thoughts. (do not give in to everything this time- you may need to do this again)Treat her with respect. You should see great results.

Good Luck ! ! Have Fun ! !

Answer 4

Instead of having her call you, you call her cellphone/the home phone. If she still won't listen, you need to be firm, and tell her that rules are rules, and you're going to stick by them. This is the only way that you can make her know that she needs to listen to her parents. Besides, this is a little thing, it's not as though you're trying to make her do something that she REALLY, REALLY doesn't want to do, so don't feel bad if she gets angry about it or something. It's good that you care about her safety. If you are really worried, have a nanny/babysitter come over to your house and stay with her and watch over her until you get back home. It may cost a little, but your daugher's life and safety is priceless.

Answer 5

my daughter is almost 15 and she will call me after school. if my kid took that stance with me i would go into the livingroom/bedroom and take out the video games, computer, or whatever makes her happy. put it in the trunk of my car and tell her in 2 months she could have it back if she learns to pick up the phone and call. if you have no objects such as that i would just start laying down the rules for EVERYONE in the house. by the end of the week yes mamm, no mamm would be a natural thing coming out of their mouths and saying a prayer before eating would seem like a cool thing. i would put the 10 year old threw it too becouse it seems like she is flaunting her special treatment in front of that sister and it isnt a cool thing to do. i would buy no new clothing unless truely NEEDED. i am sure picking up a phone wont be no problem after i got threw.

Answer 6

it might seem hard but you really have to commit to just sitting down with your daughter and telling her all the reasons why you feel she has to call you every day. i know you may have been through it before.. your daughter could just be a bit stubborn. but make sure she really realizes that you are worried about her. just as much as you are worried about your youngest. your 13 year old probably understands.. she just doesnt know what to say so she reacts badly. she probably doesnt think that she needs you to look out for her. just remind her all the time that you do things that you do because you love her.

Answer 7

give your 13 year old some other freedoms that her little sister doesn't. (still with the agreement that she still calls you of course) but treat her like the oldest a little more, that is her issue right now, because she feels like you are not being fair that the younger one is getting all the privelages.

Answer 8

tell her the last part about not trusting others others tell her you love her and that mom will still want her to call when shes 40. thats love not freedom. ask her to watch the news with you or read a newspaper .take her to meet someone whos lost a daughter whensomeone noticed she was home alone(they're not hard to find and would be happy to help you could go to the mothers of murdered children website) show her this!!!

Answer 9

Tell your daughter to concentrate on her little self and doing what she's told to do or suffer the consequences of even less freedoms for being a whiner instead of a responsible, respectful barely teenage girl. She needs to worry less about her sister and more about what her mother tells her to do. Parents have a tough job with teens, but teens would make it so much easier on themselves if they would just do as they are asked without picking fights with their parents over every little thing. They want their freedom, they want cell phones, they want ipods, they want this, they want that...they need to let themselves grow up and be guided along the way and they need to learn to get along and not be so self-centered. Parnets need to enforce the rules, be consistent, be tough when necessary and not try to befriend their kids, but instead be a strong role model for them, make them feel safe, make them responsible and accountable so they grow into sane adults.

Answer 10

Tell her she can either call you or she can lose a priveledge (whatever she likes to do). Her choice. Don't give in on this or she'll know that that she can battle you on every issue and win. You need to be firm and hold your ground or your teen will walk all over you.