My husband has been deployed for 4 months now. This is our first deployment. I find myself gettind more and more short tempered with my children that I am with almost 24/7. They are out of sorts because their dad is gone and are acting out (they are 4 & 6). No one knows the extent of my situation. Not my friends or anyone in the neighborhood. My mother in law is no help and actually contributes to my stress. I'm at the end of my rope! I also have an 18 year old who is on my last nerve and thinks the world should revolve around HIM and I should do everything for him and give him everything because he just got "clean" and is "fragile". He uses this as an excuse when I tell him to get a job, clean his room or not talk to me the way he does. Any stress relievers out there that have worked? NO ONE is willing or has the time to even watch my kids overnight so I can have a day to myself. BTW, I also have a part-time job! HELP!!!!
2007-10-21 14:00:53 · 12 answers · asked by ssgjwyf 4 in Politics & Government ➔ Military
hi...i am also in the same situation as you. i have 3 year old twins and my hubby has been gone since february. i see that most of these answers tell you to contact people who can help you on post. well, if you are like me (you may not be), that is not an option. i live 3 hours away from the nearest army post and 6 hours away from the post we were stationed at before my hubby got deployed.
i also have been very short tempered with not only my children, but my friends and family. NO ONE will understand what you are experienceing right now. Not even other women who are in your same shoes...everyone reacts and deals with situations differently.
this is what i did....
one- quit my job! hello!! i have like 4 fulltime jobs at home by myself...kids, bills, house, yard, vehicles...the list goes on forever!!
two- if you have no one to help watch your kids for a few hours or even a night, put an add in the paper and interview potential sitters...if you need a night alone, ask the sitter to stay all night (please check them out!!) and get a nice motel with a hot tub. oh! and room service! do this every chance you have. i know money might be tight but~ going crazy, checking into a mental facility, turning to self medication, or all of the above are the alternatives.
three- tell your mom-in-law whats up! OMG!! it feels so good! just let it out and tell her and/or anyone else who is adding to your already off the charts stress level to back off or step up!!
tell her you need help, rest, time alone....scream HELP ME or I am going to go fu@#%ng CRAZY!! It works, trust me! ;)
So If you wanna talk sometime...one crazy army wife to another...email me georgiasparks@hotmail.com
Hope I helped! I am serious in everything I said above. IT IS OKAY TO LET PEOPLE KNOW HOW YOU FEEL...even if they dont understand...it feels good to let it out!
2007-10-21 18:40:24 · answer #1 · answered by jane_carol25 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your 18 year old can watch the kids (assuming you feel it is a safe situation) so you can get a few hours out on your own. Make it clear this is how he is contributing to the house. It is also time to make it clear that "clean" does not mean entitled. If he feels he is unable to work outside the house, then make it clear he will have to take on more responsibility in the house because he simply can not continue living with you "for free". Next step is to call Tricare and get info on a therapist. You need some help to find other ways to decompress and handle all the emotions currently fighting for space in your life. I would think your oldest could do well with some therapy as well since he is in recovery, but the focus now should be on your having someone to talk with and bounce ideas off of. If you are living near a base, you should also look into spouse/family groups for houses with deployed soldiers. These can be a huge help...moms to talk to, planned activities, contact with the command to get help with things like the yard and car.
Aside from that, the best I can suggest is to take breaks during the day. When you feel yourself getting to the snapping point, tell the kids you are going to your room for a "time out". Take 15 minutes to just sit, breathe deeply...or yell into a pillow...or cry if that is what you are feeling...but take the time to allow yourself to process. Once the younger two are in bed each night, make it plain that the rest of the evening is your time. You can watch what you want on TV...or soak in a tub...or sit in silence and read a book. Even if you only do it for an hour before bed, it can help. If am guessing you work during school hours. Use the hours when you aren't working and the kids are at school/daycare/supervised activities as time to run a few errands alone. And get something for yourself...a treat..something to look forward to each night. It could be a box of chocolates and you eat one each night before bed. It could be a flavored water that is just for you. But something that is all your's and only for you. Hopefully, combining a few of these will help things be more bearable...thanks to you and your family for what you are doing.
2007-10-22 00:57:42 · answer #2 · answered by Annie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it's time for some tough love for the 18 year old.
Check with your community center to see if they offer free deployment care. The Army does it here. It's usually 4 or 5 hours on a Saturday (day) to give spouses some alone time. The also do a Parent's Night Out that is affordable and is usually 5 hours on a Sat night.
Good Luck!
2007-10-21 18:27:00 · answer #3 · answered by sunflowers 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry i am not going to be any help to u but i am also in the same situation u r. I just dont have the 18 year old. i have a 11 month old an 3 year old and a 6 year old and they all r doing what u talk about. I also feel the same aggervatting feeling u do. I also am looking for the same answers and help u are. I just wanted to let u know u r not alone!!! My husband has been gone for 6 months and we have 8 more to go. It is hard and i am trying to do it too. Good luck and if u get any good advice email me and let me know...ladyjwitt@yahoo.com!!!! Thanks
2007-10-21 15:05:08 · answer #4 · answered by ladyjwitt 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Indeed the wives who are faithful to their husbands when they go off for extended periods of time are to be highly commended. The weak ones will cheat on their husbands when they get lonely. God bless both the military husbands/wives and their service for their country. And don't listen to the superliberal democrats - the military is a very noble organization and those involved are excellent people. I am very happy to see that not all women are slutty, "easy" girls and that some still take relationships seriously serious.
2016-05-24 02:08:47 · answer #5 · answered by cari 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh wow woman!
First of all, you NEED to get some good friends to confide in! Check around your post/base and see if they offer a Parent's day out. Our base offers a program to spouses of the deployed. Call the child development center and ask.
As for your 18 year old, it's great that he's clean but you need to calmly sit down and tell him the next step is becoming more responsible. Tell him if he doesn't start keeping his room clean, you'll clean it for him. Anything left out will be thrown away or given away if it's left out after X amount of time. (let's say 2 days after you asked him to clean his room) Tell him he has until the end of next month to find a job (and he has to keep it) or he's going to start losing privilages. If he doesn't work, he doesn't get TV, a computer, a phone or whatever else YOU pay for that HE'S taking advantage of. Heck, if worst comes to worst, tell him he has to start helping to pay to feed his loafing butt! My cousin started pulling that crap and when his family finally stopped babying him he sucked it up. If he doesn't and reverts to his old ways, let him know he's an adult and he'll be paying for his mistakes the way adults do.
The key to having a calm deployment is have your backups. Last week I ended up hospitalized because of a stomach virus. I have a 2 year old I had to take care of when I couldn't even take care of myself! Thankfully I had 2 friends who came through for me. There are plenty of support groups available. Talk to other spouses in your neighborhood, at school etc and get to know other wives. A LOT of teens do babysitting. While you may not get a whole overnight to yourself, you could ask them to watch your kids until midnight or even later. If your kids are asleep by the time you get home, treat yourself to a good movie, a hot bath and some you time.
And I do agree with the first guy, exersize is SOOO important. Not for vanity's sake but because just going for a walk every day is enough to calm your nerves.
2007-10-21 15:38:33 · answer #6 · answered by Miss Informed 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Step 1. Give the 18 year old an ultimatum....get with the program or out on his *** he goes. You've got enough on your plate without wet-nursing a young adult.
Step 2. You REALLY need to join a support group of wives in the same situation. Believe me, you'll find the support you need with other women in the same situation.
Step 3. You must start an exercise program. The best stress reliever is exercise. It's an absolute fact. Join curves or find a program on base where you can do some aerobics. Find one that offers child care. Just 1 hour a day of "sweating to the oldies" will improve your mental attitude. I guarantee it.
You can't take care of your family unless you are taking care of yourself.
2007-10-21 14:13:39 · answer #7 · answered by Yak Rider 7 · 7⤊ 0⤋
your base should have a parent's night out monthly through the CDC. Failing that, do a Co Op with other parents in the same boat. That actually worked quite well with my childed friends: once a month, all the kids would go to one house for the day, and the other parents got a day off. they would rotate between homes.
2007-10-21 16:41:18 · answer #8 · answered by Mrsjvb 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You might want to contact www.militaryonesource.com and find some support groups.
As far as the 18 year old he needs to realize he is an adult who needs to step up and start taking care of himself.
As far as the little ones set strict guidelines. Tell the family they need to pull together to make this deployment work for all of you.
Best of luck.
2007-10-21 15:14:40 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your command ombudsman. they will help you with any question, big or small. they are there to help you!!! they want to help you!!!I have gone through all this before...twice and for a third very very soon. First, calm down. deployments are so hard on everyone. as for your little ones, listen to them. they miss daddy, let them get it out, but just listen and tell them it's ok to miss daddy, they just want to be heard and know that you are listening. your ombudsman will give you a list of overly qualified sitters in your area. take a couple hours off and enjoy yourself. go get some coffee, go for a walk. as for the mother in law...good luck, mine is a monster too! they dont go away. no one said you need to talk to her everytime she calls. there are a lot of families like yours, you are not the only one. good luck and try to get out once and awhile
2007-10-21 14:31:59 · answer #10 · answered by navywife 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋