Is premarital counseling really necessary after a 10-year dating relationship?

Question

My fiance recently brought up pre-marital counseling and suggested we look into it. His main reasoning was that we should think/talk about things like children. He proposed to me after 9 years of dating, and we will have been together (living together also) for 10 years at the time of the wedding. After all the research I've done, I cannot seem to find any bases that would be covered in this session that we have either not covered already or are not capable of covering on our own. While many people say 'what have you to lose', I can't help but think 'oh, about $300 that could go toward the event that we are paying for with no help and saving for while he finishes college. I love him dearly, and will do whatever he needs- so if he says this is important, it is what we will do. However, I need to know that this is the best use of our hard-earned money. It is not easy for a fresh college grad to save for a wedding while supporting her graduate student fiance.

I think the cost could easily be as high as $750 btw... I really don't know. My fiance has not said he WANTS to do it, just that we should think about it. I appreciate all your opinions- however for those of you who suggest doing this, can you tell me why? What is covered in a counseling session with a total stranger that can not be discussed between the two of us. We are very open and honest with each other, and are not afraid to talk about issues. I don't see what a counselor can do, other than tell us what we already know (communication is important, etc.)

Oh, btw- I am not against going AT ALL. I just don't want to waste that kind of money being told a bunch of BS we already know. If he wants to go, I'll go. If I hear some good information on what is covered in this that we have not already covered on our own, then I'll go happily. Please, do not assume I am pushing it away. I am just trying to understand it. Oh, P.S. we are not religious- so that is not an issue here.

Answer 1

Your committing for supposedly a lifetime so Id say it was well worth the money. The counseling may bring up points of view or issues neither of you have even thought of. I say go willingly.

Answer 2

I agree with you that it is rather expensive. You said you arent religious but most of the people that perform ceremonies do the premarital counseling for free, mandatory before they marry you.

My husband and I had also been together nearly 10 yrs before we got married. When we had our counseling, he was like Yeah you already talked about all this.

But since your fiance mentioned it, he clearly has something he feels you may not have talked about. Invest in a book instead. There are some GREAT books on the topic. Just go to Amazon and search for "questions before you marry".

Susan Piver has a book "The Hard Questions".
Monica Mendez Leahy has 1001 Questions to ask before you get married
Sylvanus M Duvall has "Before you marry, 101 questions"
Todd Outcalt's book is called "Before you say I do, revised"

Grab a couple of those and go through a page or two of those at night. Saves you several hundred books and you can discuss everything on your own, with no awkwardness and no expensive fee to have someone come up with questions you have already asked.

There are some important questions you probably haven't talked about that these books will cover. What if you can't have children? Will you adopt, invitro? Would you be willing to adopt another race? Living will questions. If it will make your soon-to-be husband feel better, sacrifice $50 on a couple books.

Answer 3

Once upon a time, he WAS okay with you not wanting to get married or have kids. People change and he has changed. The decision is fairly obvious. If you are not able to talk to him openly and honestly, you two can't work things out anyway, so the relationship would never survive beyond the honeymoon period. Become a volunteer or keep this relationship. You have to make a choice. No one can make it for you. But be aware that relationships are work, and you are now facing the first bit of work ... the challenge to be lovingly honest. As for the arguing, how on earth can someone be contemplating marriage if you two aren't even getting along? The fighting escalates greatly after the honeymoon period has ended.

Answer 4

You are in a way right. There probably IS little you have not discussed. But you'd be amazed about how many couples talk a lot and yet say things with little meaning.

Some couples have been together for 10 years and not talked about what they would do if their partner was in an accident and became paralyzed. Would the other person stay to take care of them (i.e. in sickness and in health)? Would the sick person give them permission to divorce them for a healthy partner?

Also, how do you fight? Do you resolve issues right away? Is there name calling or do you attack the other person? Fighting, and how you resolve it, predicts a lot for the success of your marriage.

I can only speak for my personal experience with Catholic pre-maritial counselling. Although my fiance and I know each other well (together 2+ years) and thought it would be Mickey Mouse, it *wasn't*. Most of the topics we had discussed, true, but it gave us an additional opportunity to find ways to work out those "grey" areas.

I highly suggest premarital counselling, especially if HE wants to go. Do it. That is your first lesson, marriage is a compromise. ;)

I personally feel that the divorce rate would be MUCH lower if counselling was mandatory. Things you may discuss:

-How to raise your child, how many you would like to have, what religion you want to raise them in, how you would dicipline them...etc.

-Would you leave your partner if they were unfaithful? Or would you stick to your vows and try and work it out? What defines unfaithful for both of you?

-How do you feel about each other's future inlaws? Do you feel they intrude? Are they overprotective? How do you deal with this?

-Do you see sex as something to withhold when upset or to "get back" at your partner?

And the list goes on and on.....

I think many couples find out not necessarily "new" things, but better ways to understand each other and deal with things they are already aware of. It helps to have that additional person to guide you.

Try to find a place where you do not have to pay a lot. Perhaps either of you has a childhood church. Priests do not (as far as I know) charge for this service. There may be a small fee if you are no longer a member if he agrees to do it.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Be thankful you are engaged to someone that cares about the welfare of your marriage sad to say many people don't.
Counseling before marriage is good because it opens your eyes to certain things living together and being married are not the same contray to what most people think when you live together you can leave if you don't like each other when you get married you are held in a higher level of accountability and with the way the divorce rate is it is good to get the counseling even though you know the basics there is always more to learn. Best wishes to you.

Answer 6

I've been to precana counseling through the Catholic church. It was a complete waste of time and money. Perhaps a real counseling session would be beneficial; I don't know I've never been.

Reginach brings up some really good points that you should discuss. What would you do if one of you got hurt? However, you should know that nothing even remotely like that was covered in the precana classes. It was really stupid stuff that you should have discussed before you even got engaged, things like - you should talk about money. Well duh, I didn't need a class to tell me that.

Answer 7

Well, he brought up a good issue about children. Have the two of you talked about this? If so, he may think it hasn't been enough.

10 years is a long time to be together, but maybe he just wants to make sure the two of you are still on the same page after so long. I would do it. So many women complain that their fiances WON'T go to counseling that I think you should embrace that your fiance wants to. It sounds like it's important to him.

Answer 8

There is nothing more enlightening you can do for your marriage than good pre-marital counselling. It will help you in many ways, especially goal-setting and expectations in the relationship and your daily life together.

If you think $300 is a lot to spend on counselling (most counsellors in my area charge about $125 per hour), think of how expensive divorce will be.

Answer 9

Even after 10 years of a relationship you need every tool in your tool belt to ensure the relationship has every opportunity to grow. It is a little discouraging that counseling is expensive. But having someone who is a third party and is not in yall's box helps to break down issues. Every couple brings along baggage which has made them who they are. The counselor will help you two to break down every issue into its simplest form. Seeing a counselor is very beneficial and can prevent misunderstandings for future issues. :) Good luck!

Answer 10

Ask him why after 10 years he feels this is necessary and ask him to give you his concerns ... there may be things he can't tell you and needs to do it in front of a counselor to help make sure that they are said correctly. I'm with you .. I can think of better ways to spend $300 ...