My arents spanked my child who has delays, how to handle?

Question

One of my boys has some delays due to mix of reasons. I had a very risky pregnancy with him, then in the hospital he was almost put into NICU, then he had failure to thrive, followed by hearing loss, then he regained the hearing (it was due to fluid). Anyway, so he has some delays that have caused his learning to be a bit off. My husband and I decided to punish him strictly with time outs. My parents know this, we went to go see them, and openly my father hit him. This was because my son wanted to take a nap and my father didn't think he needed to. Now my husband doesn't want to go to visit them at the holidays because he's more afriad than before that this will happen again. I agree, but I don't know how to approach this with my parents. They don't know that we saw it. I also don't know how to just cancel the plans I've already made without them wanting to come here instead. I've never trusted my father alone with my kids, and now I have even more of a reason not to.

To clarify, I did not see it or I would have said something. My husband did, and immediately got our kids in the car, and said, "we're leaving". This is very unlike my husband, but I assumed something was wrong, so we left. If I had seen it I would have said something, because I'm not afraid to make a scene. We were in a public place, and my husband is.

Answer 1

I'm very sorry to hear that this has happened in your family. Your father broke your trust with you and your child, and that's a very difficult thing to have to deal with.

Even if it wasn't over a nap (as someone has suggested), you have chosen not so spank your child as a form of discipline, and your parents have to respect that.

Sit down with your parents and have a very serious conversation about it. If your father, or both, refuse to see your point, and refuse to stick to your method of discipline, like you said, maybe you can't trust your father alone with your kids.

It would be a sad reality, but you know your father better than any of us, and if he's going to to that, then you need to step in.

You'll get people on here who will probably say 'maybe he deserved a lickin'', or something stupid like that. Ignore them.

Answer 2

Nobody should be punishing your child when you're present, especially not in a way you don't want him to be punished. But to punish a developmentally delayed child for wanting to take a nap?! That is DISGUSTING and you are right not to trust him. If he does that while you're around, what he would do when you're not there would be much worse. Your father is lucky you and your husband didn't press charges, which you could have. If your husband is uncomfortable being around your father, celebrate the holidays without your parents. You and your husband should have let your father know you saw him hit your son the minute it happened, but maybe you were too shocked to say anything. But it's not too late - tell him you don't feel comfortable having him around your son. Your son's safety comes before your father's feelings.
What a sad situation. I'm sorry you and your family has to go through this. Good luck!

Answer 3

Etiquette flew out the window when your father hit your child. Your children's safety comes before all else as a child cannot protect himself from an adult. While it is important for children to spend time and have relationships with their extended family, your father has forfeited the privilege of being alone with your son.

That is going to create stress in family settings, but you can choose to handle it well. If your parents ask why they are never alone with your child, then you will need to specifically state the reason; otherwise, there is no need to go into it (unless you want a family fight on your hands because other family members will be brought into it if confrontation occurs).

You can change future plans by inviting the grandparents to your home. If you need to leave the house, take the child with you. It is easier to manage a difficult situation when one is in familiar surroundings. You are not required to visit your parents in their home.

From the situation you describe, I would venture to guess that your parents do not approve of your parenting methods particularly re: discipline. They do not have any right to spank when that is a method of discipline you and your husband do not approve of for your child. You have an opportunity to show respect for your parents (unlike the lack of respect showed for your wishes at your child's expense) while not condoning their actions. Take the high road, but also protect your child.

Answer 4

im in a similar situation to you, but it involved my mother-in-law. i took my daughter there and allowed her to stay for the day, the first time she cried a little and that was to be expected but the second time she screamed like never before, something told me that it was strange, but i let her stay for the day again. when i picked her up, i asked her why she cried like that and she said that it was because "nana spanks me". that was the end of visits...she doesnt go there any more and i was horrified that my mother-in-law had done this...she was two at the time and had spanked her for having an accident in her underwear. i talked to her about this...she had some lame excuse so im done with the visits. i dont like my in-laws so i wont take her there and stay for a while...they really dont see my daughter at all. we did go over a few weeks ago for lunch, and my daughter made a little too much noise at one stage (she was bored, trying to get someone to play with her) and my father-in-law yelled at her...we left straight away after i almost lost my cool saying that i bought her over so that you people could spend sometime with her and all thats happened is ive played with her the last two hours. i wont be going back there...

do what ever it is you need to do to protect your child...your child relies on you for that protection. i felt terrible that i had placed my daughter in a situation where she didnt trust her caregiver...never again, listen to the instincts you have as a parent...

Answer 5

Are you sure about the reason why your dad hit your son? It doesn't sound normal. You were in a public place and your child wanted to sleep? That doesn't make sense.

If you don't believe in spanking, say so and tell your father that he is never to do so again.
Btw - I have a friend who has issues with the way her mother treats her children. And five minutes in their company is enough to tell you why. She doesn't discipline them, at all, and they are wild.
Perhaps you need to sit down and discuss why your father was so upset, too.

Answer 6

Confront them! You should have already done that! He's your son and he should disciplined the way you see fit. Whether they're your parents or not, he's still your son and they have NO right to put their hands on him without your say-so. I say you tell your parents straight-out that you're not coming for the holidays, that you saw what happened with the way your father "disciplined" him, it was unacceptable, and until they can guarantee that it'll never happen again, you're not bringing him over. Take care of your children first and foremost.

Answer 7

This sounds suspiciously like some thing caught in a caricature.. even the cowering away bit.. I did snigger at that, i understand its annoying in spite of the incontrovertible fact that. the sole ingredient i will think of of that would help is the secrets and techniques of the baby whisperer for infants e book. I under no circumstances had this set of problems yet I do undergo in recommendations analyzing approximately them in there. each and every ingredient I observed worked. She kicked the bucket now, however the girls persons is a new child genious and she or he under no circumstances shows threatening.. spanking.. no longer something like that. She's appropriate.

Answer 8

You need to talk with your parents - what the heck why would an adult spank a child who only wanted to nap? Tell them that if it happens ever again you will break of relations with them- that protecting your children is the most important thing for you.

Answer 9

Youre a parent now, not a child in your fathers house. Your children's needs come before his desires. You should never have stood silently in the background watching him spank your child and saying nothing. Are you 5? Are you not the protector and defender of your children and your right to parent them?

Not trusting your dad is one thing, being too chickenshit to confront him and allowing your children to suffer from it is completely different.

Children need grandparents, they need those relationships to grow and be healthy. But they also need to have the security in knowing that your rules follow them where ever they go. They should also feel safe in their family members homes. And your parents should know that your rules come before their own, or the children dont come over.

I dont care who it is, but if someone ever wronged my child by punishing them unjustly and i knew about it, you can bet I'd be on them like a bat out of hell.

You dont mess with my kids, period. You should have that same integrity.

Answer 10

Your Father / parents need to be told that since he went against your wishes, which were clear to him, and he spanked your child, which is wrong, that you do not want to see them for the Holidays. Period. If they want to discuss/argue with you, just stand your ground and let them know that you do not trust him/them, and they are going to have to work at earning your trust back.