When did the children become the parents?

Question

In this last year alone, I've had my father come to visit and see family at my expense, with the promise to pay me back. My mother had money problems to get the bond of a house she's renting, which I had to take out a loan to get her the bond so she can have a roof over her head (and my brother too), with the promise to pay me back.
Both are paying me back, however I have to prompt them for it everytime. My parents are seperated and they live in the same city. I'm beginning to feel like their my children now because I'm having to bail them out with money. No matter how many times I say no and find another solution, I'm pressured because they have left it to the last minute.
I'm seriously considering in cancelling my tickets for my xmas trip to mum's (no refund) to have a holiday to myself because I feel I need to be selfish for a change. I can deal with bitterness from them if I do cancel.
Should I do it for the sake of my sanity? I have my own money problems to deal with too.

I'm a 26 year old female with a permanent job. For those who asked.

Bond loans from department of housing said no becuase they said mum made too much money in a week. Go figure. 1 of the many things I suggested.

I have never asked them for money because I know their financial status. If I would ever ask them they know I would pay it back in an instant.

Answer 1

Just say no!
I know it's hard to do, especially since they probably gave you lots of stuff when you were growing up. But you have your own life to live too, and if they're relying on you so much to fix their problems, they need to pull their socks up and sort themselves out.
I had a similar problem with my parents, though not with money. I ended up virtually becoming their maid. I had two small children under 4, my husband had just walked out on me, and because of their health and business problems I ended up practically running their household as well as my own! It wasn't good for me or my kids, as this is not good for you. Do what I did, set the boundaries, make it clear that you're not giving them any more money, and stick to it. I should warn you though, that my parents haven't spoken to me since, chucked a tantrum and just ignore me. I hope that isn't a possibility with your parents, but really, if it is, then you're probably better off without them.

Answer 2

Did you know you can get Bond Loans from the Department Of Housing....Interest FREE. No need to take out a Loan elsewhere and pay Interest.
I think it is really good of you to help your parents, not many kids would do that these days.......however as with all things you have to draw the line somewhere.
There is NO need for you to feel guilty or selfish about it, but if you put yourself into too much Debt you won't even be able to help yourself.
So next time the Parents ask for a loan, be nice to them and say you just don't have the money.....but also be FIRM in your resolve.

Answer 3

First and foremost, for better or worst, they are your parents. That said, like a parent, you need to set limits. It is very hard to see your parents struggle and not do anything to help, but you do have your own life and debts. You need to let them know (and writing a letter may be easier) that you too are struggling financially and cannot help them any more, at least for awhile.

About cancelling that trip? Please don't. Time spent with your parents is precious. What if this turns out to be your last Christmas ever with your mum? You just never know. I do understand your needing a break from reality for a little while, but schedule a well-deserved self-pampering get away (it doesn't have to be expensive to de-stress!) either before or after the holidays. Good luck!

Answer 4

First of all, you state "I have my own money problems to deal with too." If YOU get into financial trouble, not only will you be in the same boat they are, but you won't be able to help them if you want to!

It's hard to say no to family and friends. Only lend or give money if you're financially able to do so. For example, do you have any savings to fall back on (a minimum of six months' wages) should something happen to you where you'll be unable to work or have an unexpected emergency (large household expense, auto expense, unexpected medical expense, etc.)?

I used to help younger siblings all the time until I saw that they were not learning their lessons and were actually becoming dysfunctional by being so dependent on me. I'd be saving money, cutting coupons, shopping sales, doing without vacations and they'd be shopping, gambling, partying, taking their own vacations, but then coming to me for sudden emergencies. They needed me more and more as time went on and the amounts they needed increased.

I would give them advance notice that you will no longer be able to help them IF you do indeed have you own money problems and/ don't have a secure nest egg....AND if helping them is actually making them more dysfunctional (usually is). It's hard to do, but you need to think of your own financial solvency, not only to take a vacation but in case of a financial emergency.

Everyone needs to learn the tools to become financially responsible independently. Don't feel guilty about it if you can't do it; just be compassionate and helpful otherwise.

Answer 5

They're your parents if they're having money problems and you're able to help then I think you should. If my parents needed help with money I would do anything I could to help them with no questions asked I mean after all they raised me and always gave me money when I needed it. They put food on the table and clothes on my back and a roof over my head. I could understand if your parents wanted money from you for bad things like drugs or gambling, but they don't. And they are paying you back aren't they?? I wouldn't cancel Christmas with your family just because of that.

Edit: I know you wouldn't ask them now for money because you know that they don't have it, but i mean when you were a kid and didn't know anything about money. I'm assuming that they fed you and gave you a place to live and bought you toys and clothes and things that you needed and wanted.
That's what I meant.

Answer 6

You are absolutely right, this is not a nice way to live your life, tell your parents how you feel, Christmas is perhaps not the best time, could you talk or write to them before that day, spend just a day or two with them over Christmas then go on to spend some time just for you. There is a big difference between supporting and helping your family and taking on all their problems, Good Luck.

Answer 7

I think that you are a very sweet person
for doing this for them
But you may have gotten them used to your support
So It might help if you stopped bailing them out
although it might be hard but it will straighten them out
a bit and they might realized that they have to be more
independant and cannot be comming to you at all times
of need. There is a point where its just taking advantage
of you and now your considering not meeting up with them
for the hollidays.
Like i said i agree with you.
No more miss nice girl
i mean sometimes thats just how you must be
to get across Whatever you decide
I wish you the best in the world
:)

Answer 8

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Answer 9

Tell them NO!!!!! They maybe acting like the children but until you grow a pair they're gonna keep taking advantage. If you don't help them and they stop talking to you so what! That shows you how much your relationship means to them. Go visit them for Christmas. The holidays are here. Just try to take a break from them until then. Don't feel pressured. If they wait till the last minute and they aren't mature enough to take care of their own problems it's there fault. Watch Intervention people!!!! People aren't gonna stop doin crap if you keep helping them. Good luck :D

Answer 10

well, your probably going to ignore this answer but:

your not the parents, your the child, even if your a grown adult. this doesnt mean that you have to act like the child though. you know how when you were little, your parents took care of you when you needed them to? well now its your turn to help them out, no matter what they are your parents. do you want your parents out on the streets? well id hope not. if you do just cut them off completely.
if you dont, help them out, buy them each a nice outfit or two, make them go to interviews wearing the nice clothes, make them get a job and when there paychecks come in you wont have to help them out anymore. if they refuse to go to interviews then heres my advice to you:
cut them off for a week or two then they will get the idea that they need to stop living off you and get their own lives