Its a really long story so I am going to try and shorten it the best I can, I am 24, my brother is 28, he has never seemed to really like me, and when we were younger he was physically and verbally abusive, I always looked up to him and would always try to please him, he is very materialistic, so I would buy him lavish gifts with the little bit of money I did have, nothing was ever good enough for him, as we got older, I would watch his kids for free whenever he wanted, when I had kids, he and his wife would rarely watch them even if I offered money, but what plagues me the most, is that my brother, out of nowhere, will go on verbal rampages, he will attack the first person he can, and you never know when its going to be you, its been me about 3 times since I have been an adult, and it happened again tonight, his words are poison and I mean his words are just downright cruel, he hits below the belt, I told him never to talk to me again until he apologizes, he said he will never do that
2007-10-20 18:43:27 · 8 answers · asked by This girl 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
and at this point, I feel he completely crossed the line, his words were unbelievable hurtful, they involved my marriage, the fact that I am a stay at home mom and my husband is deployed, his words were cold and untrue, even though I know there is no truth to what he says, it hurts just the same, how do you put your foot down to your own brother and tell him enough is enough and you will not take this abuse from him any longer?
2007-10-20 18:45:44 · update #1
and the one thing you cant get past is you love him he is your brother and all you want is for him to except you the way you are and to leave you out of his fits!
i know that feeling first hand, my brother is 41, i am 36 and he thinks he can still control every aspect of my life. he doesnt like my b/f so he thinks if he gripes enough that the magic fairy prince is gonna swoop down and save me from the man i am with, it doesnt matter that i love the man i am with, it doesnt matter that he treats me better than anyone has ever treated me, he just wants his way, so recently i cut him out of my life because i'm tired of the drama and i dont want to live that way anymore.
you have to be firm, and when he comes and says he is sorry (and trust me he will) tell him until he gets help for his anger issues and proves that he is trying to change keep him at arms length. i promise you this it will be the hardest thing in the world to do because he is your brother and you love him but remember this if you dont it will only get worse and he just wont believe that you will do anything. i am sorry that you have so much trouble with your brother and i hope you all the best.
2007-10-20 19:06:15 · answer #1 · answered by bettylvsbell 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You don't have to write him out of your life - in fact you can't do that, he's part of your life, like it or not.
However, you don't have to take any abuse from him. Don't back down over the apology now, or he'll think he can continue to treat you this way. Keep your resolve not to talk to him until he apologises.
But at the same time, keep your doors open to his wife and children. Make sure that they know you love and value them. Don't ever say a bad word to them about him. If they raise the issue of your quarrel with him, make it clear that you don't want to quarrel, you love him, but what he said was not acceptable and you need him to understand that and to treat you with respect so it doesn't happen again. Leave it at that.
If you are at a party or an event that involves the whole family - just avoid speaking to him, don't say anything about him to others and don't contradict or argue with anything he says. This makes it clear that you are not trying to exclude him or undermine his position in the family, so he understands that the problem is with HIM not you. If he treats you with disrespect, that will be obvious to everybody in the family and will doubtless be pointed out to him.
Some family members are very difficult to love, but that only becomes a big problem if you allow their bad behaviour to spoil your relationships with other family members or let them drive you to behaving badly yourself.
If you do the right thing, and if you're correct that this is a pattern with him, then sooner or later he's going to have to acknowledge that the problem lies with him.
2007-10-20 19:16:26 · answer #2 · answered by bernieszu 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Family is often the first set of obstacles most people have to overcome in life.
You don't have to take abuse from anyone.
Watching his kids for free wasn't appreciated, nor was it reciprocated.
The verbal abuse isn't called for either. If he is doing that to his wife and kids, it is only a matter of time before she will be his EX-wife. He is a rage-a-holic.
You don't owe your brother anything. Stay away from him. Explain things to your parents if you have to, and ask them to help keep you two apart during the holidays.
Maybe he will cool down 10 years from now... maybe not.
2007-10-20 19:16:58 · answer #3 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have set an ultimatum for him to change his behaviour to something acceptable if he wants a relationship with you. Maybe if this is the first time you have really stood up to him, it might help and get him thinking. Reality is not everyone has good siblings and sounds like you have thought about it objectively and he is pretty self-centred and has problems (that are his problems and he needs to fix). I think leave it for a while and see what happens. Hopefully you can still send birthday and Christmas presents, at least to his kids as their auntie and uncle and cousins. Good luck to you and your family. You might also be setting a good example for your kids in that emotional abuse is not okay and they can stand up to it.
2007-10-20 18:57:45 · answer #4 · answered by Max 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't change him. It's the same with everyone of these stories, he's family so you feel like you owe him. YOU DONT. Please don't talk to him or see him anymore, it's not healthy for you. The easiest way is to not call him or take his calls. If he drops it, yay! If he shows up at your house then talk to him face to face and tell him exactly what you've written here. When he invalidates your feelings shut the door in his face!Hopefully he will be too self centered to come over and you can just be done with him starting now.
2007-10-20 18:49:43 · answer #5 · answered by Miss Metro 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow. it's sad to know that an adult (any adult) would act like that. I'm sorry to hear about that.
Sounds like there's something wrong with him... and it's stuck with him since you guys were kids... whatever it is, he's obviously not grown up enough to be adult about it and to let whatever it is, go.
I wouldn't blame you for not talking to him again... But think about what if something were to happen to him... would you be mad at yourself for not talking to him... Be the bigger person, even though it's easier said than done. it wont be easy...
i wouldn't suggest to play his game with him, but sounds like he needs a taste of his own medicine plus a visit with Dr. Phil.
good luck with that... :-(
2007-10-20 18:53:30 · answer #6 · answered by stephanie_hamett 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you did the right thing,he has no respect for you, & you wont get any respect if you back down. if he needs you, i'd say be there, but to visit, or socialize, not a chance til you get that apology of some kind & treated like a human at least!
2007-10-20 19:22:42 · answer #7 · answered by Yotepha 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You already did. You told him not to talk to you until he apologizes, he said he never would. Problem solved, ties broken, relationship over.
2007-10-20 18:46:59 · answer #8 · answered by janicajayne 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋