I have a serious problem...?

Question

My 20-year-old brother has been seeing a girl that is 28 and has two kids. He told me things about her that I don't approve of (that no normal person would approve of). She's a Wiccan for one thing and does witchcraft. For another she's into other "weird" things if you know what I mean. But what worried me the most is that she's into self-mutilation. But for the sake of our relationship I bit my tongue and kept my opinion to myself. He came home last night with big scratch marks on his arm. I asked where the scratches came from and he told me he had done them himself. That's when I just lost it. I didn't say anything then but later I tried to peacefully confront him about what he done. He got angry with me and told me he hated me and that he had always hated me for a long time. Me and my husband also have a two-year-old that I am concerned about him being around. I told my bro that he couldn't be alone with his nephew anymore until he improved his behavior. I just don't know what 2 d0.

And this is a serious problem so if you have any smart remarks keep to yourself.

He lives with me and my husband and we have no parents...and to "Peggy S" I didn't yell and scream"...did you read the info?

And yes, there is a problem with being a Wiccan. Especially if you're a practicing one...

Answer 1

It doesn't sound like you have a problem at all...it sounds like your brother has a problem. I know you think that it is your responsibility to take care of your brother...but the honest to God truth is that he is 20 years old. He doesn't need to live with you and if you don't approve of the decisions he has made for his "partner" then you can have a simple conversation with him saying:

"John, you are my brother...and I love you sooo much...but, I have to be honest and say that I don't feel comfortable with your current choices for your lifestyle--that being said, they are YOUR choices and I respect your autonomy and ability to make them...HOWEVER, I don't feel that they are compatible with my family and my household....and so, because of that, I feel that if you are going to continue on in this relationship, you will need to find different living arrangements."

Explain to him that this is not because you are mad at him, you aren't trying to punish him or get him to bend to your will by taking away his housing options...explain to him that this request is to PRESERVE your relationship because you will not be put in a position of seeing the injuries to him or whatever on a daily basis...and that your interactions with him can be controlled and he will be free to live his life his own way...

You simply can't control your brother--he is an adult--and so you can't put him in time out if he does something that you don't like...so you have to separate yourself from him, your attempts to dictate what he does or who he sees will lead to nothing but destruction in your relationship with him and probably with your husband as well...

Anyways, that's the best I have...good luck...I wish you the best.

Answer 2

I'm not sure of your family history with your parent's and brother but let me try to help you a little.
First thing that you need to remember is that your brother is a legal adult now, and he won't be easily influenced by you or your parents. Mostly out of a stand for his independence.
You have every right to take the stand in regards to your son, but honestly you need to go a little further. You need to tell your brother that he can not be near your son until he gets some help.
The self mutilation (scratching) is an inherant sign of some mental unstabilities. The fact that he is involved with a wiccan, and you see these marks on his body could also be a part of some of the wiccan rituals. It could be that things are starting off slowly, and possibly escalate into things that get worse. Keep your brother away from your child at all cost's.
Next talk to your parents about what you know and what you have seen. Don't give them anything for information unless you know it to be true. I also suggest you start reading up on wicca and the rituals of wiccans. Pass this info onto your parents as well, explaining why you are doing it. Make sure that your husband is fully aware of what is going on also, including researching wicca and the culture.
The fact that she is wiccan doesn't mean anything terrible, but it is important to find out how much she is into this, there are some very off the wall rituals that you don't want to have any part in, and don't want brought near you and your child.
Not much else that you can do.
His comment about hating you was a strike out to hurt you. Ignore this behavior for right now, but don't forget it while he is involved with this lady.
I didn't see the footnote about your brother living with you, and no parents. Sorry about that. You need to move your brother out of your house. That sounds even worse, but as I said, your child is the #1 priority and the safety of your son is more important than your brothers love life.

Answer 3

First off, being a Wiccan shouldn't be something that instantly labels someone as bad news. While some people get a little bit ridiculous about it, plenty of people get a bit ridiculous about plenty of more common religions. Stating her being a Wiccan as a problem is just as bad as you stating the fact that she's Jewish, or Christian, or Catholic or anything else as a "generally assumed problem."
Second, no. I don't know what you mean by "other 'weird' things." But I'm sure there are plenty of fully functioning members of society that would approve of them.
The self injuring in some circumstances could be indicative of some kind of a bad problem, but I don't think that is the case in this situation. Most people who cut them selves are not suicidal, especially if they don't typically show signs of depression or anything. It sounds to me like your brother is just branching out into new things, new experiences, and new people; and if you can't be supportive of that, then you're better off keeping your opinions to yourself. As for leaving him alone with his nephew, that is clearly your choice as a parent; but his behavior does not indicate that he is going to cause any harm to the child at all. He may be your little brother, but he's also an adult. Whether you like that or not, that means he's capable of making his own choices.
As for his hating your for a long time, we'd have to hear all about your childhood to give any insight on that. He doesn't actually hate you, but he's likely harboring some repressed feelings of anger and resentment if this is how you've acted toward him throughout his life. Relax. He's not in any danger. If you can't open your mind enough to support his choices, then you are better off keeping your mouth shut about them. A few scratches on his arm doesn't mean he's going to kill himself. He's probably using it as a way to sort of "bond" with his girlfriend, which if done sparringly, isn't necessarily the worst thing he could be doing with his life.

Answer 4

First of all... being a Wiccan isn't a problem, any more than being a Catholic of a Baptist would. The truth is, that you can be in ANY religion and still NOT be on a spiritual path.

She does magic? Yeah, right... it takes a lot of focus and concentration to do spell-work... and really all that ever amounts to is "mind over matter"... putting in a spec sheet to the universe to fill. Where she can screw up BIG TIME is in attempting to manipulate people through this... really rack up some bad karma, which might explain some of her difficulties.

Cutting and self-mutilation is a real problem. She is not mentally or emotionally stable. She needs help.

Your brother getting involved with an older woman who already has a couple of kids... not a good idea. She could easily be looking for a third child-support payment to buoy her along. Your brother is obviously feeling thin-skinned about the whole affair. I think he is in over his head with someone who is probably more sophisticated than he is.

I would just stay out of it if I were you.

Answer 5

This must be really hard for you. I think you are definitely doing the right thing by protecting your son. Hopefully this is just a stage for your brother and someone will help him see the destructive nature of this behavior. As for you as his sister, if the opportunity presents itself, I would suggest to him talking to a trusted friend/mentor, counselor or religious leader (not Wiccan.) The best thing you can do is be supportive of him, and be kind to him, because he is may be hurting deep inside and this is simply a way of acting out. He will always be your brother, and some day he might truly be able to appreciate your being there for him.

Answer 6

No smart remarks, but perhaps a few honest criticisms...

"He told me things about her that I don't approve of (that no normal person would approve of). She's a Wiccan for one thing and does witchcraft. For another she's into other "weird" things if you know what I mean."

By this you are implying that being a Wiccan is "weird"? Or that a normal person wouldn't approve of being Wiccan? Perhaps you need to look closer at your own attitudes before judging others...

However, I do agree that the self-mutilation is a cause for concern.

Answer 7

I would defentaly keep your child from him if that's how you and your husband feel it's your choice. I have a 7 year old and would do the same thing! and as for your relationship with your brother, Him saying he hates you is most likely a phase! He like many other boys that age is looking only at his relationship with his girlfriend. and you by saying what you did stepped in the way of that for him, so he is going to lash out at you. Just continue to be loving a supportive of him. and yes you can do that and still disagree with him and his girlfriends views on what they are doing to themselves. Just remember it is him he is doing this to. And when and if it falls apart if you were at his throat the whole time he won't come to you when it does. Hope this advice works should you chose to accept it. Thanks

Answer 8

Wiccan girlfriend...fine.
She's 8 years older...kinda fine (there is a HUGE difference between 20 and 28....not so much between 40 and 48 if you know what I'm saying).
She's into "weird stuff"....whatever floats her boat.
She's into self-mutilation...red flag.
Your brother is self-mutilating....GIANT red flag.
His outburst....HUGE WARNING WARNING red flag.
I think you totally did right by saying he couldn't be around your son until he improved his behavior. Of course you need to give him an understanding of what "improved behavior" really is. He changes his clothes...who cares...he grows a pair of horns...that's not good.
I'd like to say it's just a phase and chances are he'll grow out of it. Let him get some bumps and bruises while growing. Who knows...in 20 years perhaps you'll be laughing about it.

Answer 9

You really are in a quandary.  I think you did the right thing by confronting him and talking to him, as only a sister should do. I don't think that he's the type who would be influenced by you to change though because he is obviously into this girl.  I guess the best you can do is to set rules around your house when he's there.  Alienating him by fighting with him and bad-mouthing the girl will just make it worse. Just calmly  talk to him and tell him that you're just concerned about him  and that if he needs you, you're there.  Good luck!  (Btw, do you think that he could be into substance abuse?)

Answer 10

The safety and welfare of you and your family is what comes first. You did the right thing. Continue to distance yourself from him. I hope and pray he comes around to his senses and ditches this messed up girl. You should also alert your other family members regarding this situation, especially if there are children present. If you know these things are true (weird things, self mutilation and god knows what else) you should alert the authorities to make sure her two children are safe. That may be hard for you to do however but that is what I would do. What is wrong with our society anyway.
Keep strong and I am praying for you straight away.

Answer 11

Diss-arm the situation, meaning, kick him out of the house. If he thinks hurting himself is good, then he just hurt himself by scarring you; which in turn has made you kick him out...

I feel your pain... people who harm themselves and thinks it's ok has serious issues and should seek immediate counsoling... but they must first realize they need the help(This is a rare occassion) then they must ask for help...

My reccommendation is this;

A.) You made it clear that you care about your brother
B.) He's made it clear that he's mad
C.) Make it clear that you are their to help him
D.) Kick his *** out until he can straighten up or asks for help
E.) Make certian he knows that you still care and love for him regardless of what he says or does
F.) Be their for him when he needs you the most


If you lived in a cave for all of your life; unknowing that their is an exit. Then one day you find the exit to the cave and you are so happy, so you go back inside and tell the others down their that thier is an escape to this prison; but they don't believe you... what would you do? Would you leave? Would you go back down knowing that you could get hurt or possibly die, for just trying to help? Or would you stand outside of the cave... waiting... until you hear somone ask for help... then you show them the way... out of the darkness and into the light?

I'm so sorry you're going through this... I'd reccomend diffusing the sutuation by kicking him out... Their are other possibilities, just make sure you do what is right for your baby now... Is he a harm to the baby etc. etc.(I doubt he is but cha)

My sis is a wiccan (nothing wrong with that, your belief is your belief) but... if you decide to harm yourself or others around you... then that should not me taken lightly....

Council a pastor... maybe a police officer(caution they will ask about the babies environment possibly) or get into counciling(for your bro)