Christians, how do I learn how to forgive - what does it really mean?

Question

I might say out loud that I forgive someone, yet the hurt I feel keeps coming back and in my mind I keep rerunning the tape. Surely that means I have not trully forgiven and I know that's wrong. Jesus taught us to pray "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". I don't think I'm there, yet. Any advice or scriptural insights to share? Thank you, in advance, to all sincere replies.

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who has answered. I appreciate your love, your understanding and your insights.

As a Christian, I am "a work in progress", still being refined. There's a long way to go! Thank you.

To 'some wanna know' I did not give you a thumbs down. By the way, what's DMB? I can't email you, but you can email me!

Some uplifting reminders here of God's grace, his love and his forgiveness. But I also needed to hear about repentance and obedience, too.

Thanks to Esther, Docmase (1 Corinthians 13 is very important to me), he-returns-soon (for adding your prayers to mine), Steve Amato and troll-to-troll.

I can only chose one Best Answer, but you were all close contenders! More important than that, though, is the time you took to respond. I appreciate it.

Thinking about all the comments on obedience and how Jesus forgave us has led me to Matthew 18: 21 onwards. Jesus told Peter that he should forgive not seven times, but seventy-seven times (although I think it actually means times without number - refers to Genesis 4: 24). Then we get Jesus' parable of the unmerciful servant, who had had his huge debt cancelled by the King, then refused to show pity on a man who owed him a small amount and had him thrown into jail. The King then made the servant pay back his original debt. "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." Oh, what a powerful message!

Answer 1

You learn from Jesus' command and his example. He told us to forgive, again and again, and that if we didn't, then our Father will not forgive us. We obey that command even through gritted teeth and inwardly seething. We just do it. By taking that hard step of obedience we begin the process of genuine forgiveness that results in the root of bitterness being destroyed - before it destroys us!

When we realise the hurt hasn't gone away at the first attempt we seek God to understand why. Perhaps then he might point us to Christ on the cross crying out in agony, 'Forgive them Father, they know not what they do.' Well, they didn't. They thought they were crucifying a troublesome Nazarene. They didn't know he was God incarnate! Is someone trying to 'crucify' you? Unlikely. They're more likely to be thoughtless and not even fully aware of the pain they are causing you (even if they think what they did was justified).

Until you forgive, the Spirit of God is grieved and you will be left to yourself, which means you will struggle with emotions. Bitterness chases away the Dove. Self-pity and self-righteousness are the twin sins involved in not forgiving. There is also (at bottom of it all) resentment towards God that he allowed you to suffer so. You have to start by asking God to forgive YOU for your sinful attitudes. Then you realise the other person needs the same forgiveness, so you ask God not to throw the book at them. After all, he's let you off the hook, hasn't he? Then (as if all that was not hard enough) you ask God to bless the person who's wronged you. That's right. You seek their blessing - even being willing to be a blessing to them. That's the point at which you know in your heart you have truly forgiven them; the burden rolls away. You resolve never to bring the matter up again. And it's gone. It's history. And joy returns.

Answer 2

Even beyond the prayer Jesus gave that you cite, immediately after that, in Matthew 6:14-15. Jesus says, "“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

So it's a pretty serious issue you've raised.

The best spiritual advice I might give is to read 1 John all the way through. From your question, you seem to be a born again believer like me, and that book can be very convicting in the sense of reminding us that we are called to walk and live like Christ; if we cannot, then we need to see that our problem might not be our inability to forgive, but a misperspective about our relationship to our Holy God.

In other words, God isn't "suggesting" that you forgive: He is "commanding" it. 1 John makes it clear that He is the Master and we are the servants who do what the Master commands without question, without option and with joy (at the ability to be in the service of He who created, saved and loves us.)

For the born again believer, once we're saved by grace, it's all about obedience!

I'll also say a prayer for you, Grey Tower!

Answer 3

Forgive.... know what it means, then believe it until it becomes real. True forgiveness isn't automatic, you forgive because it is the right thing to do, but realize it is a process. You may have to deal with it daily, reliving the hurt. It's not like absolution which is immediate, forgiveness often comes with struggle.

Forgiveness is a blessing of the soul, it relieves you of carrying the around hate and resentment which tears you apart. Forgiving someone is a commitment that benefits the giver and the receiver long-term.

I applaud your heartfelt desire to forgive, it's one of the most amazing gifts that you can give another person..... and yourself.

Pantheist

Answer 4

It's difficult to forgive someone that has done something very wrong to you or someone in your family, etc. Sometimes it can take a very long time to be able to forgive. The reason being is because we're not perfect. When something happens, it becomes engrained in our memory. The harder we try to forget it, the more we think about it. That's just human nature. We are human, we're not perfect, and can't forgive someone at the drop of a hat when the hurt is still present. Praying about it, ask God to guide you and to give you the strength to forgive this person.

Answer 5

You're right that to simply speak words of forgiveness is not enough. You have to feel the spirit of forgiveness, because sincere and genuine forgiveness is something that originates from within and is then projected out. To forgive is hard and to forgive is divine. If it helps you any perhaps think of your hurt or resentment or grudge as a posion. You drink it and somehow expect the other person to die? Not likely.

Whatever it is they've done you must wish them peace. Let it go. Forgive and move on.

Answer 6

Forgiveness is part of the definition of love (see 1 Corinthians 13). If you ascribe to this definition of love, then you understand that love is an action and not solely a feeling. So if you see this person, act like you forgive them and never bring the issue up again. When you catch yourself reliving the incident or the pain, stop yourself and tell yourself that you forgive this person.

It is not easy. You might find yourself forgiving this person again and again, but over time, you will find that forgiveness will sink in.

And again, If you have truly forgiven someone, you should never bring up the incident again.

God Bless,

Docmase

Answer 7

Some people, though, overuse the words that are meant to express apology. For instance, in Japan, the word sumimasen, a typical expression used in apologizing, is heard thousands of times. It can even be used to express gratitude, implying an uneasy feeling of not being able to reciprocate the favor shown. Because of its versatility, some may feel that the word is used too often and may wonder if those saying it are really sincere. Forms of apology may seem to be overused in other cultures too.

In any language, it is important to be sincere when extending an apology. The wording and the tone of voice should convey the genuineness of sorrow. Jesus Christ taught his disciples in the Sermon on the Mount: "Just let your word Yes mean Yes, your No, No; for what is in excess of these is from the wicked one." (Matthew 5:37)

Answer 8

When "we" hold a mind full of resentment, fear, shame, and guilt there is no room for God.

If we are on the path of learning and practicing principles that are of Jesus Christ then we are going to have to let go of the past and not perpetuate the same reactions we have always had.

The Adversary will continue to throw things at us and try to trigger the same reactions over and over. Identify what these events are that set off revisiting past hurts and cause the reactions of re-feeling anger and depression. If "we" do this over a period of time "we" will see a pattern in both our emotional reactions and external events.

Answer 9

Biblical forgiveness is generally contingent upon repentance. Thus Isaiah prophecies, "Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon."

Likewise for the Christian Jesus said, "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him." Luke 17:3

So when Jesus said in the "Our Father" to forgive, he was talking about forgiving in the same manner in which God forgives, namely a forgiveness which is contingent upon repentance. Forgiveness without repentance, apart from the issue of ignorance, is abhorent to his judicial nature.

Now that is not to say we should not be tolerant or gracious to the unrepentance. Quite the contrary "while we were still sinners Christ died for us". And "do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance?" Rom 2:4 So likewise with those born of God. We are to be gracious and tolerant to the unrepentant in hopes of leading them to repentance. Thus one can be gracious without necessarily forgiving someone.

Answer 10

There is a verse in the bible, I think it's in psalms someplace, about how God forgives. It says, He puts our sin as far away from us as the east is from the west, and remembers it no more.

I think there is always a choice, when those thoughts come up about what someone "did to us", whether we entertain those thoughts, or dismiss them. There is also another scripture about taking "every thought captive to Christ". If it truly is your desire to forgive, other than asking God to change your heart in this matter, of course, when those thoughts present themselves and when resentment starts to work its way back into your heart, take that thought and feeling "captive" to Jesus. Pray about it. Say, Lord I wish to do as you ask, I want to forgive. Show me how to forgive as you do. I am having these thoughts and I want to give them no quarter in my heart. Help me forgive and forget.

It's not a one time thing either. We have to keep asking God to change us. I commend you for desiring to live as Jesus asks of us and pray that God will enable you to forgive as He would.