How to help my daughter learn responsiblity?

Question

Okay my daughter is 11. She has ADD. Usually she is somewhat helpful. Lately she has been very abusive with her words. She dont want to do her chores, which give her an allowance. She whines and complains about everything we ask of her. She loves to aggravate her brothers just to hear them whine. I have gave her punishments from writing essays to taking things from her. It just seems as though nothing is working. I want her to learn responsibility and respect. How do I do that if she just doesnt listen.
FYI: She does take meds for her ADD. It usually wears off by the time she gets home from school.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

We are not doctors on here, so can't tell what to do about meds.
But, we are parents, so we sure know how to adjust kids.
Steps:
1] set up rules, responsiblitiies, and privileges based on age, performance, and grades. Enforce equally on all children,
based on age.
2] no chores, no allowance
3] no 'free rides' anywhere, [ social activities ] unless she has followed all of step one, and been respectful to the family.
4] If this doesn't work, clean her room. REMOVE everything but the furniture, some bedding, schoolwork, and seven complete sets of clothes. No TV, no computer [ except in kitchen or family room with a parent ], no video games, no phone. I believe these are all privileges, that must be earned.
5] make her earn items back, by doing everything asked or expected of her, for one or two weeks.
6] cursing - make her do a paper, on the history of cursing.
a] second time - write down and define 100 cuss words
[ believe me, this will get incredibly boring ].
7] let the punishment fit the crime. Slams door - remove her door [ has to earn it back ]
Doesn't do chores - no free time or any recreation until she does today and yesterdays.
Don;t forgetthe driver's permit - I told my children they had to pass my test, not just the written one - 'cause there are too many stupid drivers already! [ GPA or 3.0 or above, responsibilities, respect. ]
Etc.
Just make sure they all get the same response for infractions -none of the 'you are the oldest' garbage. Base on age, not birth order.

Answer 2

Don't listen to what any of these idiots say about ADHD not being real or whatever their deal is. I know how hard a child with ADHD can be. I have another hypothesis about your daughter's behavior though that has not been explored: You said that usually she is helpful and it has only been lately that she has been a big pain. Could it be that she is close to starting her period? A lot of girls get them around age 11 and can be hell to live with for months before hand.

Also the thing about the medication, talk to your doctor about how her dose is wearing off by the time she gets home from school. She may need something longer lasting, or even a smaller second dose in the evening so she can get through her homework and chores. Just remember to be patient. Sometimes she acts this way because she simply can't help it.

Answer 3

Yes, ADHD is not so much a disease but a 'disorder' meant for others' convenience through chemical designing children to be compliant and docile. No matter which pill or how many, it cannot cure ADHD because usually there is nothing to cure to begin with. Those pills only masks the symptoms of hyperactivity which can be attributed to many causes besides brain chemistry imbalances such as allergens, toxic exposure, or an underlying health problem. The drugs also have their side effects. Therapy and time managment as simple as using a kitchen timer is a far better alternative than drugging your child for being a child.

From what you described her as, she sounds like a NORMAL child. Normal children get spoiled, some can't control their impulse and judgements, normal children whine, torture younger siblings, and complains. Especially tweens and teens.

You can leave out spanking, it'll only make it worse. Grounding and taking away all privileges is fine to whatever extreme you prefer. If she won't do her chores, then take away her allowance. When she whines and complains about the things you ask of her, whine and complain about everything she asks out of you. This has been proven to work with younger children when they realize how annoying it is-oh well, treat her like a four year old if she wants to act like one. And find constructive things to keep her busy so she won't be bothering anyone.

For starters, you can change her diet. Leave out the sugar, and the processed additives. See if there's any improvement. If not, try dairy and gluten too. Those can create hyperactivity and impulsivity symptoms.

Answer 4

Well I must say that it sounds like she doesn't WANT to hear you. And it's not really her fault. She's on meds for her ADD so you might want to think about talking to her Dr. to change these meds. We have never opted for the "meds" for our son only because we don't want to go through this process of changing meds to meet the childs needs better. We limit ALL red dyes from his diet. ALL. He also takes omega 3's (fishoil). However you must understand that MOST of the things she is doing is because of her ADD, it's almost like they have NO consious. They could care less how much trouble they get into...they are having way too much fun doing it. HOWEVER: I found a way to help our son. Punishment: He has to define words from the dictionary. Believe me: when she has to define 100 to 500 words in the dictionary you will see a change (provided she can give you the change you are looking for). NOT listening is typical add/adhd. Tell you what...go here: www.adhdnews.com and join, it's free, or you can just view the message boards. You'll see at least you aren't alone. At all.
G'luck

Answer 5

It's always tough being a parent particularly when our children act up but you need to be consistent with her. Don't just remove one thing remove it all and give her incentives to earn them back by acting appropriately and doing her chores without griping about them. My oldest is similar and this approach works for him by my daughter who's younger whines and carries on when asked to do anything. I make sure I give her opportunities to do the things she wants to do if she gets the jobs done without all the fuss and thank her for doing a good job. However if she complains and doesn't do a good job I remind her that she looses privileges and it's her choice. Responsibility is learned by making good choices and suffering consequences when she isn't being responsible. It's no different for adults. If you work at a job your boss has certain expectations about what your performance and behavior will be like. Make a bad choice and your boss my impose a consequence like writing you up or docking pay. Think about where you learned to be responsible. It came from your experiences growing up. Being grounded, having privileges removed, etc. Just be consistent even when she's making it tough on you.

Answer 6

Just ignore her, what she is doing is testing you she wants to see her brothers whine and she wants to see you get mad I suggest give her the silent treatment for a while at first she will delighted because you are not nagging her, then she will get no attention for her bad behavior and she will do anything to try and get your attention so write her a note that says if she changes her behavior you will talk to her again, and if she starts acting out after she agrees repeat the process she will learn that to have you listen to her she has to listen to you.

Answer 7

Personally. I'd offer her a little something every week for good behavior. all week.

Like an allowance, or if she likes certain food, make it for her on SUNDAY so she'll be good all week.

But be strict about it. If she messes up a day, deduct something, and so on.

thats how my parents helped my brother. He has ADD, and controls it. now.. He's 14 he did the same stuff around that age.

Answer 8

This is a tough one. Have you tried talking to her? Reward the good behaviour and admonish the bad.Set up a reward system.I Start on a daily basis and graduate to aweek. Also remember that your daughter is going through puberty..Join an ADDgroup. to give you extra support.

Answer 9

I agree that a spanking is the best solution to the problem. ADD is not a disease but rather a convenient condition.

Tell your daughter that the next time she acts up that you will give her a spanking with a paddle. 11 is too old for a bare bottom spanking but on her underpants with her jeans pulled down is fine.

Even with ADD, she will learn after one time.

Answer 10

Get her off the meds and change her diet. Cut out gluten, and dairy. This has been shown to help kids with ADHD, ADD and Autism. Also you need to cut out her allowance until she starts behaving and doing her chores. This teaches her that she will not get paid for not doing her job. When she is an adult and out in the real world her boss is not going to care if she has ADD. She doesn't do her job and she mouths off she will get fired.