Errr! I just need to Vent.?

Question

So this is the 2nd time that my in laws come to my house un-announced. (they live out of state) Why do they feel like they can do this. I mean if they feel like they can stay at my house why can't they at least give us a courtesy call.
My apartment is so small. yes I have a 2 bed room apartment but i also have a son. And here they are My in-laws and a grandson that they are raising as their own. Why can't they go stay with their 2 daughters since they are the ones who are picking them up from the airport. What bothers me the most is that my in laws and my sister in laws call my husband every day for petty stuff now you tell me that they couldn't tell him that his parent are comeing in. Then my hubby is so kindhearted that even though he thinks his parents are rude for doing this he doesn't want to tell them anything cuz he doesn't want to make them feel bad. Oh Lord! What can I do? I guess nothing huh? I guess all I have to do is count from 10 to 1 and take deep breaths in between.

Oh and by the way my father in law told me that they are planning to stay a month but it could be upto 5 months.

BTW: Their grandson that they are raising is not my son. He is the son of my sister-in-law. She had him at 28 and felt that she was to YOUNG to raise a baby. Yeah, that's a sorry excuse. I know of 15 year olds who had babies and raised them themselves.

• By the way I thank you all for your feedbacks.

XoXoXo's

Answer 1

Actually, there is something you can do, and you need to do it now. You are so tense and resentful that it can't help but be affecting your marriage. You and your son have a rightful place as the most important people in your husband's life, now. He is a big boy and needs to make it clear to his parents that you have limited space and that you would appreciate a phone call ahead of time, even for a visit. It is an imposition for two adults to bring another child and expect to stay in a two bedroom apartment - you are not wrong there.

It sounds like he has a family that expects to carry on an incredibly close, day to day relationship with him, which is fine. But as is often the case with these type of families, they need to have it pointed out to them that he has a new family, which now takes precedence over them. Family is important and can help you out of a jam like no one else when there is trouble. My concern is that you are going to silently stew until eventually you blow up and say something which creates a huge rift that is going to take ages to resolve. Don't let it get to that point, because he obviously is really close to his family and you don't want to burn that bridge - he will end up resenting you and it will cause problems in your relationship. But look, you are his wife, you two have a child and you have rights, too. Tell him that you are happy to have them come over for a visit, but that they need to CALL first - they are not just visiting him, anymore. Also, that your apartment is just too small for them to stay over, and they are going to have to spend the night at his sister's. Be firm and tell him that if he doesn't tell them, you will. If you have to be the one, be as nice and tactful about it as you can. You love seeing them, but you just feel better if you have some notice, etc.

Do something about this, now. You are not going to get any less stressed about it as time goes on. If you love this guy, you have got to get the family thing resolved. Remember that in-law problems are one of the biggest causes of divorce.

Answer 2

Oh my... I don't blame you for venting... It is very difficult situation to confront. I might suggest when they leave that you enjoyed their visit very much but felt "unprepared." How about we schedule the next visit ... say in 2 months for a nice long weekend? Insist that is is wonderful they are spending time with their grandson but you really want to your best efforts so the entire family enjoys the visit.

I would have a heart to heart with you husband about the 5 month stay. Stress that you are willing to be helpful to the family but sharing your small home for such a long period of time will cause you considerable stress. Maybe you two can brainstorm on another solution?

Answer 3

You can only be a doormat if you lay down and let them walk all over you. You don't need to vent, you need to sit down with your husband, who is NOT protecting his wife and son(which is his responsibility)by allowing this to happen.

When they get here, tell them if they had called ahead you could have told them this is a bad time for a visit. You don't have to give them anything other than that, by their inconsideration, they don't deserve more. Don't get into a drama, don't be anything but loving and respectful, but for your sake and the sake of your marriage and family, be firm. Put them into the car and deposit them at the door of the sister in law who abandoned her child. Then leave. Do this everytime they do this. Ignore their anger and threats and simply tell them if you had advance warning, you could have saved them the trip. If your husband cannot be a husband and father and a partner to you, with the backbone to handle this, then you do it. These people are manipulating to get between you and your husband, and they are experts at it apparently. Good luck.

Answer 4

They made flight arrangements, and didn't tell you they're coming?

Yeesh!

Miss Manners would have said that you should have said "Oh! It's such a shame you didn't warn us. Since you can't stay here, let's figure out what hotel you can stay in."

You might be able to inject this concept into things.

They're staying HOW LONG?

Let them know that it just isn't possible for them to stay that long at your tiny place -- six people in a 2 bedroom place for months? are they out of their friggin' MINDS?

I guess they must be.

Maybe after a couple of days, when everyone realizes how horrid the situation is, you can persuade hubby to get them to make other arrangements.

Answer 5

Yikes! I would perhaps mention something, in a non confrontational way.. such as "You know, I feel we could have been more accomodating and made you more comforable if we had known you were coming!" Or even just sit down and let them know that you feel sooo cramped in such a tiny place and you don't want them to feel that way as well. Either way, it IS rude and you HAVE to let them know that they have to tell you when they're coming and make sure it's ok with you before they decide they're staying with you. It doesn't matter who they are! Just be polite about it, and if they get upset they'll have to deal with it because it is your house, and your life.

Answer 6

I would have a talk with your husband about the way you feel. He'll understand since he thinks its rude too. The both of you should sit down with his parents and kindly tell them the way you feel. Just tell them the next time they come in, a call would be nice.

Answer 7

So true, sounds like you know exactly what to do! Vent any time and keep your marriage strong!

Whoops, based on that last note...get a new plan! I think hubby needs to talk to his papa! Why would they NEED to stay with you that long? If there is a true NEED then maybe, but if there is no NEED, forgettaboutit!

BTW, it's always a good strategy to run out of food and not restock when company has over-stayed their welcome.

Answer 8

I agree with Krypto>> DO not buy any food. Your husband needs to politely ask them to rent a place or make other arrangements. Blame it on the landlord.

Answer 9

Man on man! I feel for you. I had similar situations and it made me crazy! Didn't stop till we moved far enough away that it inconvenienced them to even come and see us. Hang in there. And vent it you have to

Answer 10

talk to them dont vent the best approach is direct . they might be upset but u will not be , especially after u say whats on ur mind