My 2 brothers are 36 & 41 and still living at home with my 70 year old mother in a 2 bedroom trailer. One is a raging alcoholic and the other is simply lazy. Both expect my mother to take care of them financially and be their maid to cook and clean for them. She lives on Social Security and is in debt up to her eyeballs. Inevitably each month she comes crying to me or my older brother to help her financially. We both have families of our own to care for and don't have any spare money to give away.My deadbeat brothers have 4 kids between them under the age of 16 and now our mom is feeding and allowing them to stay over for extended periods of time.The 16 year old has quit school and stays on the computer all the time getting into trouble. We have tried everything, but Mom has beginnings of Alzheimers and is childlike herself now. They have stolen from her repeatedly or bullied her into giving them her check. We have tried helping them get a job, housing, cars, etc.. Nothing works! Help!
2007-10-20 02:15:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Mom won't move in with us (already begged). Besides she is very physically abusive and I have kids. I own the land she lives on, but not her home. I let her live there rent free and pay her taxes for her. We have kicked them out numerous times, but she lets them back and we are the bad guys then. She refuses to give any of us POA and refuses to recogonize the mistakes she makes by enabling their behavior. They have begun to do malicious things to our horses and property that we have across the road from her home (can't catch them in act). Police say their hands are tied because she allows them in. Even though I own the property, they are her guests (!). Tried to get her into assisted living, but because she is abusive, they won't admit her (nor would she go willingly). Tried managing her finances and she went postal with us accusing us of trying to steal her money-like she had any. I am at my wits end. How many others out there have to deal with this kind of problem?
2007-10-20 04:21:55 · update #1
First, if she has diagnosed Alzheimer's or deminita you (the responsible sibling) or other responsible family member needs to get Power of Attorney (POA) for your mother. As her memory continues to fade she will not be able to make good decisions for herself. The POA will then have the power to collect and distribute mother's money but will also have the responsibility for overseeing that she gets proper care. If she is in debt she probably can apply for Medicaid. Get this done, or at least look into the requirements now if you haven't already. Then start looking for an assisted living or retirement community that accepts Medicaid and get her on the waiting list. These communities will help her deal with the problems that she is or will be encountering with her Alzheimers as it continues to get worse. By removing her from the household she will not have to deal with the 2 brothers and all of their problems - leave them to fend for themselves. As for the money, only the POA will have access so the 2 bros can't steal from her anymore. Also, while she is still of sound mind, make sure she completes a living will so that all of the siblings are not at each others throats when the time comes to make medical or end-of-life decisions.
Best wishes.
p.s.
She does not have to willing allow you to have POA. You just need a doctor to declare her incompetent (unable to make decisions on her own due to Alz.). You take the doctor's statement along with your own list of "evidence" that she is making poor choices (these would be choices that affect her health and well being) to a judge. Many lawyers out there will help you with this pro bono.
If she is physical with the kids you may want to see if your state hospital can help. In our state most hospitals have a geriatric psychiatric ward that is very helpful for finding medications that will help with the physical agression due to Alz (many Alz. patients exhibit very aggressive/abusive behavior that can be managed to a certain degree with the right medication). The person is admitted for 10-20 days during which time doctors are able to adjust medication while observing behavior in a safe environment.
Since assisted living isn't an option, try nursing homes - many states have nursing homes with special units for Alz patients. The staff is specially trained to deal with Alz. issues. Also, contact your local state department of human services. They are a good resource to help you locate appropriate housing/care options in your area.
Having a parent accuse you of taking/stealing everything "going postal" is VERY COMMON with Alz. You're just going to have to overlook it and do what you know is best for her.
Finally, ask around to see if there is a local Alz. Association or Alz. Caregivers support group in your area. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are thousands of adult children going through many of these same issues that you are experiencing. Get connected with a local group so you have some support (in person, not through a computer). These groups are VERY benifical to help you and the rest of the family understand what is going on with your mother and how to get the help you need for her. Their services are free. www.alz.org is a good place to start.
2007-10-20 02:48:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I would take my mother and move her in with me. Put her stuff in storage and take her personal belongings.
Let the freeloaders have the house!! Eventually nothing will get done and they will be forved to move. Then your mom can go back home. Talk to her and try to get her to realize that this is really out of control. Also, if I was watching this happen to my brothers I would probably throw a huge fit at the both of them but thats just me.....Good luck!
2007-10-20 09:22:56 · answer #2 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Okay, don't know if this would be the answer, but would make your brothers fend for themselves, being your mom is elderly, and in the beginning stages of alzheimers. I would think a solution would be to move mom in with myself or my older brother. Now Mom is taken care of, they are on their own. This would be a solution. Good Luck, cause at their ages, if they don't and haven't done anything, they are not going to start now.
2007-10-20 09:21:30 · answer #3 · answered by Jennifer L 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Can you get the cops involved? I'm guessing no as it would be up to her to do that and I don't think it's an option. If she has the beginning of Alzheimers, maybe you can call HER local health department and see if they can give you a referral. I have a feeling it's going to be up to her but you might need to take her to court to get control over her life -- you MIGHT be able to do that because she doesn't really seem capable of making the right/safe decisions. This totally sucks --- I feel so bad for her. What a shame. You might need to take control though......then you can control the rest of them from her life.
2007-10-20 09:21:14 · answer #4 · answered by butterfliesRfree 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
There probably not much you can do if she doesnt want to kick them out. Maybe social services or a lwayer may help.
Are they ever in for a rude awakening when your Mom dies someday. No place or finacial security. They better fine another woman to live off of. LOL (seen it happen many times)
2007-10-20 09:19:38 · answer #5 · answered by reneem1954_2000 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Perhaps since you mother is getting older and starting to show sign's of Alzheimer's, you can suggest she lives with you and then make sure your brothers do not move with her. This way they will have no choice about taking care of themselves.
2007-10-20 09:23:11 · answer #6 · answered by Heaven 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The most obvious answer is to take your mother out of the house and put her in with one of you. The next most obvious is to convert the SS check to direct deposit in a checking account in her name with your on it as co-signer. If condition is appropriate, calling Child protective services or the police might be required.
2007-10-20 09:21:29 · answer #7 · answered by Mike1942f 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You really need to get a lawyer involved. They need to learn what independant means. It's not fair to your Mom. Police involvement would probably be a good idea. Sometimes you have to be extreme in these cases.
2007-10-20 11:30:22 · answer #8 · answered by Jenn 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You can get a restraining order on the siblings if you really wanted to keep them out.
2007-10-21 02:47:07 · answer #9 · answered by Bill P 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Time to get a lawyer and get mom declared incompetent, then you can at least get her into a long-term care facility.
2007-10-20 09:20:17 · answer #10 · answered by milton b 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋