Am I wrong for giving up?

Question

I have custody of my cousin since he was 8. He's now 13. His mom and grandmother are both deceased. He does not know who his father is and I do not know either. Since he's been in my care he's been a challenge. I have 3 other children of my own, all girls. He's older then the girls. I have always showed him love, kindness and treated him as I would my own kids. He cries when other kids picks on him and he even starts arguments with them some time then wants to play the victim role when he can't handle it. He told his school counselor he wants to kill himself. I have done all I could for him. My cousin in another city wants him to move with her. So I agreed to it. He refuses to listen to me and take my advice. He does not like to be discipline and whenever he is, he always say he wants to kill himself. He reacts so terribly in school, but at home he is the sweetest boy I have known. Am I wrong for saying enough is enough and letting him go live with his cousin?

He does not have a man figure in his life. I do love him, but I can't keep taking off my job everytime he does something terrible in school. I would do anything for him and have tried to, but now I am feeling I have somehow failed. I have even start getting him counseling. What else can I do for him? It's stressing me out.

He does get counseling professionally. He just recently started the counseling. Doctors, nurses everyone including a few of his concerned teachers have all tried to talk to him. It works for a while then he's back at it again. He's originally from Miami, FL. I have no idea who is father is and he says he never met him. There is no evidence left behind from his mom or grandmother that states who his father is. We are his only closest living relatives. I don't have a clue where to begin looking for his father.

Answer 1

well firstly i am very sorry to hear about your very sad problem. i seriously think the child is very insecure. not that it anything to do with you. deep down he knows he should have a mother and farther like any body else. but sadly it was not to be. i think he needs professionally help. also you need a well deserved break. i wish you well good luck.

Answer 2

You are his kin and so is his other adult cousin. Apparently nobody has pointed those facts out to him that he also has the option of appreciating the guidance he does have MORE than who he doesn't have in his life. It surely is a bum rap but he needs to learn not to focus on the negative all the time with so many options in this world. That's when the counceling thing gets a bit suspicious if ya ask me. This may sound harsh to you but we ALL loose loved ones and and can celebrate their life or stay stuck mourning their death. His parents, grandparents etc is no excuse living or dead for his chosen behavior TODAY....not if he wants a happy life and to appreciate the family he does have. People around him shouldn't be helping him camo his own behavior either using others as an excuse. It seems this could be a habit he has gotten into playing on the sympathy of others - don't play.

There are a HOST of hobbies and interests available to everyone no matter the age... instead of becoming part of the negative rat race. There is where friends of common interests hang out as well and there is where he will also find focus. With that said, there is one other thing that life demands and that is acceptance of personal responsibility. This world lies for prophet really with all the victimhood innocent talk bringing in so much cash. So, many times people that use the language or are caught calling themselves "help" are not giving loving advice and he needs to hear that as well as accepting the good in his life as good. Sometimes people refuse to accept that their compassion is not really compassion at all.

Have tried to find his father? Does his father know that he exists out of all fairness?

Answer 3

Don't feel like that you are giving up on him. It sounds like this young man has problems that can not be fixed by you. It sounds like you have tried and gave it your all. Have you thought of some kind of different treatment other than the school counselor? Maybe like a group home for troubled youth or a different professional. Have you had him seen by a doctor and had him tested for depression. My son was like that for a while and we ended up finding out he was suffering from deep depression, we got him some help ,got him on an anti-depression drug and you would not believe the world of change in that kid. He was on it for about a year and a half then wanted to try going off the drugs and he is still going strong and doing great. He is now 20 yrs old, full time job, tons of friends, girls calling all the time, etc. Check out your options and even if this young man is not living with you you can still be a part of his life.

Answer 4

I understand how tired and frustrated you must be. However this child has never known anything but abandonment. If he is this depressed and suicidal, he apparently asking for help he's not getting. Children who lose their parents at an early age have to be helped to grieve properly. No where in your question do you talk about counseling. He should be getting counseling at school and privately. Have you considered that he might have learning disability? Also, he's 13, he's becoming a teenager, and my guess is that is throwing into the mix. What you are considering is pulling him away, again, from his safety and stability and from the person he trusts the most in life, you. He will feel like you are throwing him away, and its true, however justified you are. I know you have other children, but you must have had some of them when you opened your home to him. He will see this as anytime people don't want to be around him, they abandon him. You are sentencing him to a lifetime of feelings of worthlessness and fear. Please get him the psychological help he needs. You should be getting death benefits from SSI for him, and perhaps some health benefits as well. See if you can get him into a pediatric psychologist or a grief counselor. Tell the school you want him to be tested for learning disabilities and ask the counselor at school what his/her plan of action is now that he/she knows this child is depressed.

Please try to keep him as long as you can. If you get to the point where you can't and you have to send him to your cousins, please keep in daily contact and be supportive. Thank you for doing a thankless job rather than just turning him over to the state to raise.

Answer 5

Don't feel like a failure. You gave it your best shot, and maybe your cousin can find a solution that you couldn't. You do have to take care of your own kids first, so do that. Does the boy have an adult male figure in his life?

That might help him, even if it is a Big Brother program.

Answer 6

I admire you for taking him in and raising him as if he was your own especially when he has been such a handful. I think that he has been asking for help and not getting what he needs any suicide talk is a hint that things aren;t right and if it keeps getting ignored it will get worse. he needs to speak to a counsellor and talk about his feelings he feels abandoned as the above person said. You are doing great i understandits a lot to take on with your won family but please dont give up.

Answer 7

You need to find out how your cousin is going to handle him if you decide to let him go. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Answer 8

you have done your best. You have your own children to look after now. Let him go live with his cousin.