My wife, asked me several times if I didn't mind adopting her 12 year old niece. At first, I refused, but finally, since I love her so much, pursued ways to bring her here from China. Now a year later with her niece in America, my wife is having doubts because her niece occasionally takes advantage of her. She is certainly a decent little girl from most standards - but personally - she and I don't jive that well. After putting our foot down and telling her we are ready to send her back, she suddenly turned over a new leaf and is being a good kid. However, my wife just gave birth to a baby girl and we are so busy loving and taking care of her that we both wonder whether it is better to send our niece back. Our niece is doing well in school and made a lot of friends and likes the baby. Personally, I wouldn't mind if she left so that I could devote my time to wife and baby. Yet, my wife wants to give her a chance but would easily send her back if I chose.
What would you do?
2007-10-19 18:53:25 · 8 answers · asked by Healing Touch 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Whenever I have a dilemma that involves loving or hurting another human being I try to remind myself that person is vulnerable and has feelings. I try to see who that person is inside. If you think about it and put yourself in the place of this 12 year old girl who is thousands of miles from a home she grew up in, there will naturally be some adjustment issues. She has to get to know you both and learn to trust that you love her enough to take care of her.
She "takes advantage" because she can. It's her way of getting attention. When you threaten to send her back, naturally she's going to be on her best behavior because she doesn't want to be sent back. When things get difficult you want to throw her back. You now have a baby girl who will one day be 12 years old. If your daughter acts out will you throw her back? Taking care of a child is a commitment. Regardless of the reasons, you and your wife made a commitment to this little girl to give her a loving home and to keep her safe.
Parenting is not an easy job. Some would say there should be a license required to be a parent and I happen to agree. Why don't the two of you "jive that well"? What is it about this little girl that you don't like? Is she showing you something in yourself that you need to deal with? Most often people who we can't bring ourselves to like are actually being a mirror to us. They show us what we need to work on.
Before sending her back, remember that she is a human being. What will her life be like if she goes back? What was the reason she needed to be adopted in the first place? If your daughter were in the same situation as this little girl how would you want her to be treated?
It sounds like you and your wife could benefit from parenting classes. Instead of putting your foot down and laying down the law to this girl, try to find out what's going on inside her mind. I suspect you'll find you'll be able to work things out and teach her to behave properly. I also suspect she'll be able to teach you a thing or two if you allow yourself to be taught. Words like love, compassion, understanding and patience come to mind. Best of luck to you all.
2007-10-19 19:26:50 · answer #1 · answered by innerradiancecoaching 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
from your neice's point of view, it would really suck to get sent back. shes not a dog or cat that you can just get rid of to make room for your real family.
shes a person. and you have been her family for a year.
shes twelve years old and thats a delicate time in a girls life.
think about it.
if you were gone or unable to care for your baby girl, would you want someone to do this to her, even if the situation was the same as yours?
i understand what you are saying, but once you accept to take a child into your home and adopt them, they are yours.
give her a chance. also, youre not going to personally "jive well" with any pre-teen to teenage girl anyways--my dad admits to REALLY NOT liking me during those ages, but loving me even more and being closer to me after those ages.
i hope it all works out for everyone!
2007-10-20 02:03:19 · answer #2 · answered by kells 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
,She might be feeling very threatened by the new baby feeling that you won't want her anymore.All kids will try and take advantage, wheather they're adopted, or your own. Firm boundries are needed, but expect kids to try and continually push them. Part of the learning experience.Try not to resent her, she probably loves you and your wife very much, even when she may not act like it. Try and spend a bit more time with her, and get to know her , for her. Its understandable that you would want to spend time with your wife and baby as a family, but she is a part of your family now, and would feel very rejected if you sent her back. You only get as much out of something, as you are willing to put in.If you are willing to invest lots of love and attention into this girl, I'm sure you will get it back ten-fold.[ eventually] Good luck...and I'm sure you will be a very happy family.
2007-10-20 10:55:34 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are even considering sending your niece back then it is obvious that you never loved or cared for her. What are you and your wife going to do if your daughter starts taking advantage of you both it is going to be hard to send her back.
Sorry but people like you should not be allowed to have children.
2007-10-20 02:19:11 · answer #4 · answered by MUSHMAN 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Send her back to what? You are ready to get rid of her because you have your own baby? You need to not be so selfish. This child needs you and she needs you to love her. She probably took advantage of your wife because she allowed it. Children will do what they can get away with. All children will be bad from time to time, even yours will. They also push the boundaries to see where they are. They all crave freedom and to be allowed to do as they please. She was testing the waters. Remember that with your own child. Do you really want this little girl to grow up thinking that nobody wants her and she is so easily discarded? I would keep her and love her.
2007-10-20 03:45:22 · answer #5 · answered by kim h 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let your wife's niece know that she can only stay with you as long as she behaves herself, (give her rules and guidelines so she knows what you expect) but if she gives you a hard time then put her on the next plane to China.
2007-10-20 02:05:13 · answer #6 · answered by Wintergirl 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
sister niece aunt brother you all have 1 thing in common can you guess ........... family and you dont turn your back on them what if your new baby needed a blood transfuision and your niece was the only match but you sent her back get my point
2007-10-20 07:18:14 · answer #7 · answered by momdeb69 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is apart of your family now so you should let her stay. If your baby acts up when she's older you can't just bail on her so you shouldn't do it to a child that you both decided to adopt. I hope everything works out for you all.
2007-10-20 02:13:13 · answer #8 · answered by R.I.P Dad :( 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋