my father coming back into the picture...?

Question

I didn't meet my father until I was 24 (am 26 now). He just kind of left when my mom was pregnant and my mom knew she was better off without him. For my whole life I never knew anything about him, only his name. I didn't even know what he looked like. I was able to find him a few years ago and we developed an amazing relationship. I found out I had a half sister (8 months younger! found out he cheated on her mom with my mom, my mom didn't know about it). That was the first chip in our newfound relationship, then he would miss plans, say weird things, etc. The final straw being in January when he said "Liz, you were conceived after 6, it's not like it meant anything!" Well to my mom and I it sure as hell did! So since then I have not spoken to him, until tonight, when he IMed me, and I told him it was funny because I had just been thinking of him the other day and he said he thought of me everyday. At the end he said he loved me. I couldn't say it back. Now I'm all upset and confused

Answer 1

I think you may be feeling guilty because your refined value system tells you that you are SUPPOSED to love your father no matter what. That works for most of us who are so fortunate to have had our dads in our lives.

This man is essentially a stranger to you. He barely qualifies as an aquaintance, NOT as a father.
I am not sure that he would even make a good friend since he stands you up, & says unpleasant things to you.

Did I understand you right, YOU were the one who looked him up? That was increadably brave of you. You didn't know what you were going to encounter, & the potential for high emotions was extreme.
However, you went through with it because you had to know.
Now you know the true reason why your father has been out of your life for so long. He just isn't good father material.

I think some women call men like that a "sperm donor".

It's nice that he thinks of you everyday, but when you were growing up I'll bet you could have used a lot more than just his thoughts.

I think you have a right to be upset. I just hope you don't give this pathetic man any more of your emotions than he deserves.

As for being confused, I hope that some of my words here will help you in your thinking as you sort it all out.

You know there's a lot of things that men will go to the ends of the earth in pursuit of. But there's nothing that can quite match the gift that comes from having a loving daughter in your life.

Your dad has missed out on that. Too bad for him.

Answer 2

I know that you have probably heard the saying that any boy can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad? That is so true. You just have to be able to accept the relationship with your father for what it is, and not put any expectations on it. I know that this will probably be hard. Everyone wants to believe that they have a father they can admire and look up to. But that is not always the reality. I don't think that it would be good for you to continue to set yourself up for disappointment by expecting that he will be what you hoped for. Think of him as the man who helped give you life, and don't expect anymore.

Answer 3

it sounds like he's pretty messed up. he's still your dad so you'll still love him but i think it would make your life harder if you let him be a part of your life. you need to wait until you see a change in him. pray for him.

Answer 4

sounds like he wasnt a good father, so maybe your mom had the right idea, you dont need him