How do you know when it is time to disappoint your parents, and make the decision for yourself?

Question

I am in love with a Muslim man, and I am Jewish. I have an Israeli father. I wish the whole problem could be told in detail, but I am sure you guys see the main point. He went to speak to my father, my father said "I will die before this happens", I quit my job (b/c he was my boss), and went to Israel for the summer hoping to get over him which didn't work. My relationship with my mother has suffered dramatically. He is the most amazing person I have ever met, and I think stopping 2 people who love each other from being together bc of religion is contributing to the racism and hate going on in the world. I always felt in my heart that I wanted to make a difference, and I know I won't change the world, but it is a step.

I have amazing parents who do everything for me. This is the first time they have said no to anything. I am 21 yrs old. I don't know what to do, I am in so much pain and I am completely confused. Have you ever defied your parents in a huge way? Any advice?

I still live with my parents. I have been completely consumed by this problem. I understand how difficult it would be, but that doesn't stop my love for him. He is considering converting, and my parents have said they still would say no. They don't know I still love him, I try to change the subject bc it hurts too much. However, if he is willing to convert, I might try talking to them again bc if he can compromise that much, I should be able to also.

I live in the USA, so I am a legal adult. I have known him for 2 yrs. He is (was) my best friend.

I just wanted to say thank you all so much for giving me in-depth, thoughtful answers. i appreciate that you guys are taking the time to try to help me with this situation, wnen you don't even know me. I really feel like I have no one to talk to about this, so thanks for helping.

No, I have not met his family. Some knew about me, and he wanted to bring me home to prove to me that he was willing to fight. But I knew I wasn't ready to say I definitely was, so i didn't go.

My parents are still supporting me. I am in my last year of college, so hopefully soon I will be able to move out, but even then, the problem will still be there. I havebeen fighting temptation to be with him so much..

Answer 1

Well, when you are an adult sometimes you have to make decisions for yourself that others will not be happy with. Only you can make the decision of who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Your parents hopefully will love you enough that the decisions you make will not change their feelings toward you.

I am sure we all have disappointed our parents at one time or another. Thankfully for me my parents may have been disappointed at times, but they never stopped loving me.

Answer 2

Is this man a human being?

Are you a human being?

That is all that matters. If your parent's can't see this then they are being narrow-minded bigots.

First of all understand that you will NOT change your parents. There's nothing you or your partner can do. If they CHOOSE to change on their own, that's one thing, but you are unlikely going to win them over.

This high-minded attitude that you are "integrating cultures" is just a rationalization to help you deal with the discord this creating between you and your parents. Be honest without yourself. You aren't doing this to change the world. You want the guy, and your parents don't, and this thinking makes you feel justified.

What kind of man is he? Can he support you and a family? Does he look like a good, long-term investment. Make sure you consider EVERYTHING!

From a practical standpoint you need to understand some things. Most people who "fall in love" and get married at the age of 21 are not married to that same person 20 years later. That's simply reality. You have a lot of years in front of you, and a lot of changing and growing to do. Life is going to affect you in ways you can not even imagine yet, and you have to be prepared for the possibility that you could easily end up without a husband AND parents if you pursue this course. This may not happen, and if it does it may not even be a problem for you, but it's something to think carefully about.

Also consider that your parents are going to be come less and less of an influence in your life over time, until eventually they leave you. At some point you will be on your own, and you can simply decide to make that time now, as opposed to years from now.

Ever hear the expression, "blood is thicker than water." It's mostly true. Your parents will pretty much stick by you through thick and thin, whereas many people we marry will not. When you're in love it's hard to imagine this, but you have to try and be objective. Soul mates come along more often than we'd imagine, but you only get one set of parents.

Also, most parents will, over time, acquiesce, especially if grandchildren appear. There's no guarantee this will happen, but it often does.

I say follow your gut, but realize that every choice carries consequences, and your choice here may carry consequences that last the rest of your life. You are VERY YOUNG, and you don't have to make a choice now. Personally, I'd wait a few years, and see if you're still feeling the same. If it's meant to be, it will be, and nothing will stop you.

(You could always make the logical choice and BOTH become atheists. That should solve a few problems!)

Answer 3

Ain't loving another grand.

This is an interesting question, as you will have people who have knowledge of marriage and young love saying go for it, and you will have people who understand the differences between your "religions" saying whoa, think about this some more.

Marriage is for a very long time, it is a binding to that person no matter what, on paper.
Be sure that this is not just romantic, exciting, and "to change the world"
Scapegoat is not the only game in town.
Maybe you both could do a "compatibility test" a know it sounds trite, but you could then discuss you answers prior to any commitment of marriage.
People do go into marriage quite easily these days, and one is married for a long time, and many issues will come up in that marriage, including family, finances, employment, living arrangement, children, schooling, neighbourhood, celebrations, roles, education and faith.
The understanding derived from this "survey" may help you understand what you are getting in to, and also may help your parents understand him and the relationship more.
Also you will have his parents. Have you met them, and how do they feel. Have you met his brothers and sisters, if he has any, and been to church with each other in your respective churches.

All the best to you and yours in untangling the loop.

Answer 4

Dear Friend,

I am 26 year old bachelor. I have faced the same predicament that you are facing. I would always heed my parent's advise. They always have their child's best interests in heart.

Muslims and Jews have a history of bloodshed and hatred. There's too much of hatred filled history and the present circumstances where Iran claims that Israel should be wiped out of the face the Earth.

Think again. You may be in love now but you could have problems later. Your children will suffer from an identity crisis. They will not be accepted by either the Jews, not the Muslims. You have a past and he has a past and they are contradictory and condemning of each other. There are bound to be compatibility problems. You would end up arguing whether your children should go to the Synagogue or the Church!

Think again.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd heed my parent advice. Yes, I have done it in the past. I broke off my relationship because of my parents and I don't regret it.

To answer your questions, IT IS NEVER RIGHT TO DISAPPOINT YOUR PARENTS. They will only think that they have a daughter unbecoming of them and that they'd rather not have given birth to a daughter and pained and toiled all their life for this lovely daughter to disappoint them in the end!

Edit: If he is willing to convert and remain that way forever, and more importantly get that attested as a legal vow part and parcel of a pre-nuptial agreement, then I think your parents should not have a problem with it.

Let me tell you, emotoins are there, but they also vanish in time. I loved a girl; I don't think your feelings for this guy exceeds my feelings that I had for this girl. Today, I don't have any feeling for her. It was painful, but it was possible. Again, remember, your parents have your best interests in mind!

Answer 5

I think you need some more perspective.
Did you get a new job yet, or are your parents supporting you?
Move out on your own. By yourself. Comport yourself as an individual adult.
Now picture this: Thirty years from now, your parents are elderly and frail. They love you and want you to be part of their lives in their fading years. Are you still there? Is whatever family you've made for yourself there with you? Do you have children who see the way that adult parents and children should deal with each other?
Actually, now that I think of it... go rent a copy of "Fiddler on the Roof" Watch it. Watch it again. In fact, watch it with your parents.
Take time to think about what you really want. If you and this Muslim man really love each other, you can take the time to ponder and do things right. For the long run.

Answer 6

Well it happens in Israel too, but not often. Anyway, are you going to raise your kids Muslim? Are you going to allow them to read the Koran? Would you consider converting to Islam? Would you marry him in a Mosque? These are questions you must have thought about. I'm guessing that if you do this, your family will have a mourning for you, like you were dead. Seriously, I would put this off until your parents were dead. My dad died when I was a kid, so I never had the chance to defy him. My mom, and I got along. I guess if you dont get any good advice here, maybe you should consult a Rabbi.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

Yup - it's always a shock when people find out how far that 'unconditional' parental love actually extends. There's almost always a limit.

Having learned that valuable lesson, it's time for you to do something similar - get out of the house and re-establish your relationship with them on an adult basis. As long as you live with them, you'll be their baby and under their control. If you're ever to have an independent life, you need to break away from that.

If you stay, and are forced to give up this man, you'll come to hate them. If you leave and have a life of your own, they may come to respect you as an adult.

One thing that worries me, though: a love affair under pressure like this will be very strong. Once the pressure is released, you may well just be two more people trying to build a life - and that ain't easy. It's bad enough with just one religion in the mix to mess things up, but with two...?

Still it's worth a try. Good luck with your life.

CD

Answer 9

Are you a legal adult? I ask only because I'm not sure what country you are from. I don't know the legal ages in other countries. How long have you known him? Do you really know enough about him to make it worth severing ties with your family? If yes to all the above it is your choice. I hope in the long run you live a life full in Christ, you come from the line of the chosen.

Answer 10

If your parents truely are amazing, then perhaps they know and see some things that you can not yet, whether "blinded by love", or just because you have not yet experienced enough of life.

Usually a marriage between two people of different faith - especially faiths which too often include a hatred for people of the other faith - is too often a major problem. How do you intent to raise your children. The first time a tragedy comes and you need to depend on God for strength, where do you go? If he, as the father and head of the family, begins to force his beliefs on to you, (and he will whether he means to or not, because they are his beliefs and a core part of who he is) how will you handle that? Can you survive without your own faith?

I have seen too many marriages and families torn apart by the differences in their faith. Do yourself a huge favor, and avoid that mistake.

God would not put together two people of opposing faith. It would destroy the faith of both, which would be a really stupid thing for him to do. He as better for you....ask him for it, and hold out for the right relationship.