How do I tell my son I'm not his real dad?

Question

How do I tell my stepson I'm not his real/biological dad?
I've brought up my son since he was just a few months old, he's now seven and we feel the time is now right for him to know i'm not his biological dad. His biological father has never had anything to do with him but we don't want this to become an issue in later years. I'm the only dad he knows.
We think that by giving a biological explanation of conception then explaining that a dad is the one who loves and cares for you no the one who made you is the way to go about this.
Does anyone have any suggestions??

Answer 1

Why do you think it is necessary to tell him at age 7? He's too young to grasp the full concept. When the time comes, IF the time comes, then you and his mother should tell him together. This news may turn his world inside out. Be careful. You should probably talk to a professional child therapist before you proceed.

Answer 2

These are all the right concepts.

He may be shocked, or hurt, or angry, or have a lot of different, possibly conflicting feelings about it, and may need time to sort through it all.

So say what you have to say, about biology, and about fatherhood, and that you love him as a son, and to you it doesn't matter that biologically he isn't.

It may be his attitude will be "so who cares about that?" Or, as I said, he may have more conflicted feelings, confusion, or strong reactions.

Accept whatever feelings he expresses as perfectly legitimate feelings. After all, he feels what he feels.

Also realize, if he takes it badly (which he might not), it may be that it just takes him time to get over the shock and sort through his feelings before figuring out for himself what really matters.

That is, you can explain that it doesn't matter to YOU, but you shouldn't try to force that view on him; it's something he has to come to on his own.

Be ready to answer any questions he has; at the time or later.

If he tries to pull "You're not my father; I don't have to do what you say" nip that right in the bud. Firmly, without rancor, but absolutely no-nonsense.

You sound like a loving father, so most likely this won't be a major deal to him. After all, you're the only father he's known, and he's known you longer than he can remember.

It may also be that he'll shrug it off now, but later have to deal with it.

So just accept whatever feelings he has as what he feels at this moment. (Actions are another matter; he still has to mind you.)

If you have a good relationship, it will work out. There's a difference between an initial reaction: shock and what-have-you, and the final conclusion.

I think you're right to let him know this.

My brother (half, actually) lived with my parents from about 2 or so.

When he joined the service, because he hadn't been legally adopted, they used his bio-father's name. This prompted him, when he got out, to try to make contact.

His bio-father didn't respond. After some hurt and anger, he realized that his dad was the one who was there.

Not really the same situation, but just FYI. (He had always known he had a different bio-father; it just never meant anything until he was forced to go by that name, which he still uses.)

Answer 3

You know your son's maturity level and the substance of your relationship; you and your wife together can best determine if he's ready to hear the news. (I think that the older he gets, the more traumatic it could be; he'll have more adjustments to make simply because his life will only get more complicated the older he gets.)

Try to appeal to him on his seven-year-old level. We've all seen photos of an animal of one species nursing or sheltering an animal of a different species. Find such a photo online to initiate the discussion of parent/child relationships, and explain in more detail how children can be loved and cared for by someone other then the adults who gave birth to them.

If the photo isn't feasible, find a father/son example that your son already knows, whether it's that of a neighbor or even characters on a television show. Point out how much the dad loves the son, even though they aren't blood relatives. Then tell him that he and you have a similar relationship.

Answer 4

Hi.. i don't know if the article below will be helpful or not, but it is about telling a child he or she is adopted. It's similar, so perhaps there will be some good advice for you?

My son is in the same situation as you. I guess she was 5 when they told her about her real father. I consider her MY granddaughter, and my son considers her HIS daughter. She's been in our lives since she was 6 months old. She calls him daddy.... and he is the only man she's ever known as her daddy.

You could also check your local library for books on the subject, or maybe there is someone at your local mental health center who could make suggestions to you about reading material before you talk with your child?

take care.

Answer 5

My mother told me when I was fully grown. I now wonder about the other man. I have no hope of finding him and feel cheated. It would have been a lot better for me if I had never known. No-one else knew, so she did not have to tell me. I don't know your circumstances, just don't let him hear from anyone else. I do think that seven is too young though.

Answer 6

Well I have just went through the exact same situation with my daughter, I waited until she was 8 and sat her down as I live in a small village and never wanted her to hear from a third party.
I just said to her that before she was born I had another boyfriend other than her dad who's name was -------- and that he was the one who is known as her biological birth father, we both insured her we loved her equally and if she wanted to ask any questions she could.
Well it was water off a ducks back. She never once spoke about it again I was starting to think she forgot, until Feb. of this year when she asked questions well not directly but through her friend. I knew it was her who wanted to know and answered all of them, her birth father is from Ireland and me Scotland we have never been in touch since i found out i was pregnant as he never believed me. well i traced him down before more questions got asked and he is now married with twin boy and aged 4. We have all met and we all get on just great, my daughter is over visiting on her own just now and not for one minute has she stopped loving caring or spending time with her dad who brought her up. "a dad is someone who has been with you throughout your life" good luck

Answer 7

Perhaps you can somehow drop babies into a general conversation and say to him you would like to have seen him as a baby,he's obviously going to ask why you never seen him,then you can explain that you never knew his mum then and that you never helped to make him.He may not ask anymore but drop the odd question in from time to time.Now is the right time to tell him before anyone else does,especially if other families with kids know cause you can almost bet another kid will tell him.

Answer 8

Same situation with my daughter- my husband adopted her when she was 2.

She's now 4 and asked about six months ago why there weren't any pictures of Daddy holding her in her baby book.

I said "We didn't know Daddy yet then. When you were first born, it was just me and you because God had a special plan for us to meet Daddy later."

As she gets older, she'll figure out there MUST have been someone else before her dad and when she asks, I'll answer that question, too. Let him set the pace. Don't give too much information for him to understand. Just mention it to him in passing and he'll start asking for information to fill in the blankes as he gets older and blanks turn up.

Answer 9

Sit him down and gently tell him that although you are his dad, there is another man that is his biological father. Use that word... "biological."
At 7 years old, he will understand more than you think. Don't tell him too much. Tell him you love him and you will always be his dad, and be there for him. Tell him he is free to ask whatever he wants to ask and you will give him honest answers. Over the next few years he will have questions, and you should always be ready to answer them honestly and gently, telling no more than he asks.

Answer 10

no who ever said to tell the boy that his biological father was a sperm donor you never tell a child anything like that because no matter what that is his father and will always be his father no matter what, it is the chilld 's place when he's gets older to decide whether or not he what's to deal with him it is not your place to tell him something like that about his father.tell him you love him and set him down and tell him the truth.because lying to him and holding back only makes things worse i really blame the mother for not telling him because no matter if she thinks he's no good he could'nt have been that bad to have a child by him.and if he was bad to you he may be good enough for the child because like i said that is his father and will always be no matter what you or anyone says.

Answer 11

I agree that he's too young right now. There will be a time when someone he knows will bring up the fact that they're adopted and your son will raise the matter at that time. That's when you say you've been waiting until he was ready to hear about it. Then you explain the difference between being a father and a dad.