Adult children of a abusive parents. Does anyone know anything about this? If so, how do you go about?

Question

dealing with it? What are the steps and I want to know do you still maintain contact with your parents?

Answer 1

My parents were emotionally abusive and yet I tried to maintain a relationship with them. The problem was that the abuse never ended. They continually criticized me and put me down.

They would offer me help and then make me feel like I owed them something. I could not take it any more.

I wrote a letter to them about how hurt I was. They got on the phone with me and patronized me. They told me not to write a letter, but to tell them. They told me how "proud" they were of me. The same garbage they gave me every time I complained about their abuse.

Two months later and everything was back where it started. This time I wrote them another letter and included a wonderful book about parenting. I highlighted important text in the book and referred to page numbers in the book within my letter.

They did not even bother to respond. I did not hear from them for quite a few years, until my wedding. I decided to invite them. I did not want to regret not giving them the chance to come to my wedding.

My wife and mother-in-law picked out the invitations, a nineteen twenties style with no RSVP card. The invitation said to call, email or write. My grandmother told me that my parents were angry because they thought that they got an announcement. They actual still felt that they deserved an invitation.

When they finally understood that they got an invitation, my father wrote a nasty letter. He told me that I, during the time I was planning my wedding, had to meet him and my step-mother to chat so that they could decide if they were coming to my wedding.

I did not reply and after five years of marriage I have not heard from them.

My suggestion is to cut ties. I feel a lot better having them out of my life. My wedding invitation did not but confirm that the ties needed to be cut.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 2

By not trying to deal with it on your own.

There are self-help groups, and professional counselors that can help you. There's a process involved.

Talking to people who really understand is a crucial part of this process.

Sorry, I don't have any specifics to give you, but I urge you to seek out some such thing. There are people going through the same thing, and there are people who have helped those who are going through it.

As for maintaining contact, that depends. If such contact is still hurting you, then taking a break may be in order (this is one issue where talking it through with others who really understand can help you figure out what's best for you).

Eventually, many do keep contact. It really depends on how hurtful it is to do so. When you've gotten beyond the problems, you may find it healing to have some contact.

I realize you're asking for adult children of abusive parents to answer, which ain't me, but I've read a lot about this.

You've been hurt; it's possible to heal. Healing is much more likely with help.

Answer 3

No i don't maintain a relationship with my abusive father. I'm a 50 year old woman, and have not spoken to him in 17 years, and do not intend to do so.

I finally had to face my issues and pain because of a lifetime of abuse -- physical, sexual and verbal... the verbal abuse continued until i severed the relationship.

I have now come to terms with things, faced and learned to cope with all of these emotional issues, realized my father is ill and has issues, and that i can't change him.

What i have done is called self-preservation in my case. He will never change, will always be condescending and abusive. I didn't need that in my life...

If a parent is abusive and changes that, and sincerely apologizes, well, maybe there is a chance for a reconciliation and good relationship.

I hope things work out for you and your mom.

Answer 4

My father was the abusive parent (emotionally, verbally & sexually) he died 11 years ago, so I didin't have to make that call. My mother was neglectful and allowed all of it to happen but never actually participated. She & I have a good relationship now and she has worked very hard to make up for the things she did in the past.

As for telling people, I don't unless it somehow comes up. (ie being asked why I'm so self conscious - because I was always told I was stupid, talentless and ugly - that's why) Or if it's someone who needs to be told (like a significant other) and then I just suck it up and do it as quickly as possible.

I'm told that I should be comfortable talking about it, but I'm not. I do, but it's not exactly first date conversation.

Answer 5

I had abusive parents from before the age of two until my teen years (about 14 or 15). I have no idea what made them stop, but something did. Anyway, I got help from counseling and finding groups for adults abused as children. Both of these really helped me to deal with everything. It took a long time, but I did learn how to deal with it. I also got some self-help books on the subject, which helped a lot. There are many of them to choose from.

As for my parents, I stayed in touch with them until they died (my mom died nearly eight years ago; my dad died over a year ago). They were my grandparents that adopted me at 2 years old so they were quite old and had medical problems which killed them (mom had diabetes and dad had Parkinson's and senile dementia).

I wish you luck in dealing with everything. It is a long, hard road dealing with everything, but it is worth it in the end. As for keeping in touch with your parents, that is a personal choice that only you can decide on/about.

Answer 6

Yes I do. It took a long time to get to that point to see my mom again, however after she admitted that he actions were uncalled for and totally wrong & asked for forgiveness I did forgive her and am making sure that I am not going to do the same to my daughter.