Husband's child support payments?

Question

My husband has a son from a previous relationship. He is almost 16. He pays his child support like he is suppose to but she doesn't always spend it on the child. We hardly see the child because he is older and wants to spend all his time with his girlfriend. Also he is mad at my husband for a few different reasons. We only hear from him when he wants something. Ex: a trip he wants to go on that is going to cost us $1500 and a 16th birthday party that he wants. I get pissed off because I think he pays enough in child support but he feels he should pay more when it is needed. This has come between us on a couple of occasions and I don't know what to do. His mother is the same way. She was pissed and not talking to my husband until she realized she needs help paying for this trip. I don't know how to handle this with my husband because we fight about it. What do you think?

Answer 1

Joan,

I feel your pain as I am in a similar situation. What I have learned from this is to let it go. There is no sense in getting all upset over something that you cannot change. Unfortunately when it comes to his son, you have very little say so. If he feels he wants to go above and beyond what he is required to pay monthly, then let him. There is no need in causing unnecessary waves in your marriage. The good thing for you is, the son will be 18 in two years and then this will no longer be an issue.

I hope this helps!! If not, send a reply and we can work thru it together. GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 2

I can understand your reasoning but I don't agree with you. Child support is supposed to take care of the day to day living expenses of a child. Unless you can see someplace where this step son is not having those daily needs met then his mom *is* spending the amount of the check on the kid and then some. Just like Jillian said.

As kids get older there are going to be occasions when they have the chance to do things that are above and beyond the day to day.

If your husband, his ex and his son were in a nuclear family would he feel this was a good trip for his son to make? If they were a family and wanted to send him they would look for a way to make the budget work to get that done. That's what good parents do even if they aren't together anymore.

Answer 3

I concur with Jazz3173. I'm a stepmother, too, but my husband had custody. I found that being patient, keeping my mouth shut and trying to be a part of the solution (not the problem) worked best. Fortunately, my husband respected my opinion and asked for it often. If I felt he was about to make a bad move, I'd let him know how I felt and then leave the decision with him. After all, he had a much longer history with his son than I did.

Expressing your opinion to your spouse more than once will be viewed as nagging. The final decision regarding your husband's son belongs to your husband. As his father, he probably feels a strong obligation do right by his son, especially since the boy inherited a broken home.

If, by taking a backseat, a particular situation works out, great. If it doesn't, then you'll be appreciated more by your husband for giving him the space to do what he thought was best even though you felt differently at the time...and don't say "I told you so." Your husband will feel badly enough.

Be patient and persevere until the child turns 18. Don't insist on having your way so much that you put yourself in a position to be resented in the future. Just offer love and support to the man you married.

Answer 4

Child support money is spent on the child in many ways -- there is electric to pay, rent or mortgage, etc., so keeping a roof over the child's head is a part of support. Not all support money is supposed to be spent on clothing and entertainment. That is not the main purpose... it's to help with the expenses of rearing the child. However, this isn't an excuse for a kid to go around in raggedy shoes and clothing, and a child needs decent things.

I think you married this man, knowing he had a child. So, issues are bound to come up from time to time.

You didn't say if the wife had a decent job or not, but perhaps she doesn't have extra to save for trips such as this? It's you and your husband's decision/choice to decide whether to pay for the trip... and pay for the trip yourself if you decide to, don't give HER the money....

Answer 5

Your husband is (partly) responsible for bringing a human being into the world.

Therefore, he's responsible for that human being, at least while he's still a minor child.

You shouldn't try to get him to not accept that responsibility, first, because it's only right that he take responsibility, second because your husband feels that responsibility.

Unless it really breaks you (where you and he can't afford to live), then you should back off from his wanting to do things for his son.

As for how the mother spends the money -- how do you know which dollar of hers goes to which things? You don't, do you? A person has money from whatever sources, and spends money on a variety of things. It's all the same money.

Is she keeping a roof over his head and food on the table for him? Is he clothed? Then she's spending money on him.

I mean, she doesn't pay his portion of utilities with your husband's money, and her portion with other money, she writes a single check.

So, you can continue to make this a problem in your relationship with your husband, or you can let him do as he sees fit, as the father of his son. You knew he was a father going in to the relationship. You need to accept that, in its entirety.

All you're doing is making fights with your husband. Who needs that?

Answer 6

Been there done that and totally understand BUT it is your husband's son and his decision to make. You have the right to express your thoughts to your husband on these issues but when the final decision is made you will have to respect the decision your husband makes. Trust me I learned this going through the same thing you are going dealing with.
When I finally started getting relief was when I did this:
I would pray and ask God to help my husband to make the right decision then leave in HIS hands.
Several times I sensed in my guts that my husband was making the wrong decision so I would not say anything unless he asked me. At the times he would ask my opinion then I would calmly give it too him and continue to pray and trust God for a great outcome.
As time went by my husband began to realize he was being turned into a cash cow instead of a father. Only when he began to realize this did he begin to make appropriate changes. He then apologized to me cause he realized that I could see what was going on long before he could. His respect level came up toward me and now very open to my thoughts on situations. It has brought a lot of peace and I give God all the credit cause it took HIM to reveal and open my husbands eyes cause he was blinded by his love for his children.

Do some research on the Internet on Parental Alienation Syndrome cause it sounds like your husband and you could be dealing with some of those issues.

http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/dunne.htm

http://www.parentalalienation.com/PASfound3.htm

Here is another web site to look over to know your husbands rights. Don't be bothered by who it is for.

http://www.fcnetwork.org/library/p3ChildSupport.pdf

Answer 7

I'm a step mother as well and quite frankly step mothers like you p*ss me off..

My husband pays his child support on the first of the month. His ex wife carries the responsibility of paying for everything their daughter needs the other 29 or 30 days of the month. She spends HER money while waiting on HIS money to arrive. We can't put a red dot on every dollar he sends her and make her document where it goes. She uses her own money between payments.

Child support is not "rent" to see a kid. Just because he doesn't get to see his son as much now doesn't mean he shouldn't have to help support him. Maybe he should try to get a little more involved with his son and see if his son chooses to spend time with him.

What my husband does for his daughter is his business as long as our younger two kids aren't suffering as a result. It's not my place to tell him what he can or can't do for his own child.

It's not your place, either.

You knew he had a son when you married him. You know being a parent carries responsibility. Grow up or do everyone a favor and get out.

Answer 8

first of all, that little bit of money she gets every two weeks probably does not even pay for a 4th of the costs for a child. So mind your business and let him handle the situation the way He wants too

Answer 9

it ought to be achieveable to get it decreased as others have stated. My question: is the daddy of your babies offering the correct quantity of toddler help on your babies. If he's no longer then you particularly could desire to artwork on getting that rectified. that's no longer honest which you will anticipate your contemporary husband to assist your babies yet no longer help the babies you knew he had once you met him and married him. If he's a guy of character he will verify that each and every physique his toddler help is contemporary and that he sees his babies as usually through fact the parenting contract helps. If he would not why might you desire to be with one in each and every of those guy. Are you working to assist your guy or woman babies?

Answer 10

let him do what he feels he needs to do for HIS son...do NOT get between him and his son. i know you have a place in his life, but it's HIS SON

back off, take a deep breath, and do yoga or something when it's getting to you, but don't interfere. It's only a couple more years