Are there any issues that you and your fiance should definitely agree on before getting married?

Question

The overwhelming majority of people are telling me that my fiance and I are too different. It isn't just you guys--it's my friends in the "real world" too. I have spent months now adamantly arguing why I think we still should get married, despite our many differences.

Do you think there are specific issues we should feel the same way about, or is it different for everyone?

FYI, I love him VERY, VERY much.

Answer 1

Where will you spend Christmas. His parents or yours or both or neither.

Answer 2

I think you can be quite different and still be a wonderful couple. My parents have been married for 34 years and they have rather different personalities. That isn't what causes problems. Problems arise from an inability to compromise. If you are both understanding of each others' differences and able to compromise, you can get along just fine.

Things that MUST be worked out before marriage include:
Money - not just how you will handle your money, how you will invest, etc., but also clearing up any money issues right now - how will you pay off his student loans or your car
Children - do you both want children and how many and nail down some specifics as to how you will raise them - religion, shared responsibility, punishments, etc.
Expectations - this can encompass a lot of things, but some of the most important are house work, spending decisions, jobs, living arrangements and location, future plans, social activities, and again children.
Bad habits - if there's anything your fiance doesn't already know about you, now is the time for you to tell him. Explaining the bad habits you think might cause issues in the house now will at least let him know what he's getting into.

You've probably been living together, so some of these will already be worked out, but the shared resources and responsibilities are the ones that will require the most forethought. Don't completely discount the sentiments of family and friends - analyze the issues they raise carefully. However, in the end it is you who is in the relationship and no one else can possibly have that perspective.

Answer 3

I wouldn't say there is anything specific you MUST agree on, as long as you understand and are willing to meet any challenges you encounter along the way because of the difference in your opinions.

I would say that it is probably important to at least have a similar idea of where your lives are going. It probably wouldn't work if you were ready to settle down and buy a home after marriage and he wanted to spend your first year together backpacking through Europe. I also think its important to agree on whether or not you want to have kids ... I've seen this drive couples apart and it never ends nicely. I also think its important to have an idea of the "roles" you will play in marriage -- you seem like a very strong, independent woman to me, so it probably wouldn't work out if your fiancee wanted you to quit your job and stay home to cook/clean all the time.

If you truly love each other, and you are both willing to put in the work, there is nothing that can't be overcome. The trick is that you BOTH have to be willing. If you disagree over something major, does your fiancee have the perseverance to stick it out, or do you think he'll give up easily? These are all things to think about before you get married. Ideally, these are things you should think about before you get engaged.

Marriage is far from easy, but it can be so worth the hard times! I wish you the best of luck Linz, whatever you decide to do!

Answer 4

I am not sure "agree" is the right word.
My advice is this (maybe you are already doing them): Stay engaged for an extended period of time (a few years). Live together for that time. Spend day and night together (sans work) and see if you are still compatible. If your arguments are frequent (even little ones) then maybe you should think again. Also, the major things that should never be done in any relationship is abuse, physical or mental. I would be weary of the religion difference, but it is not a relationship killer.

After living together for a while (my wife and I were engaged and lived together for over 3 years), you have a better understanding of how each other ticks. You must be able to do more than tolerate each other, love is not enough, you must truly want to spend all that time with them.

Each of you can change slightly, neither of you is going to change too drastically; you are who you are, he is who he is.
Good luck.

Answer 5

Yes - you should agree to be able to disagree and you should discover the points in which you can both compromise

Find out what is non-negotiable for you both - religion, family values, money, etc. If it's non-negotiable, can you live with that? Can he?

My husband and I have VERY different religious backgrounds, family values, etc... but what we do have is the need for open and honest communication and mutual respect.

He and I agree to disagree on religion and while our sundays are spent apart most of the time, we respect that our beliefs are important to us. We also disagree when it comes to raising children - I have 2 boys and he has a daughter. We agreed (1) that 3 kids was enough so we aren't having any more and (2) that he won't interfere with how I raise my boys and I won't interfere with how he raises his daughter but that we will support the other no matter what...

If you both truely love each other, you CAN make it work even with the differences...if there is open communication and respect. Just don't leave your "love-goggles" on so long that you begin to compromise you or your beliefs... that's what happened to both of us with our first marriages.

Just remember - the things that bother you now, will only intensify over time. HE WILL NOT CHANGE and hopefully neither will you!

Answer 6

(1) What was important to me and my fiance (now husband of 3 yrs so far) is that we had the same core beliefs.
(2) It was also important to me that we liked to do similiar things. Of course there is plenty of things he likes that I don't and things I like that he doesn't but we needed to be able to have things we both enjoyed so we could keep our friendship going even after married. If you have absolutely nothing in common it would be hard.
(3) It is also important that we were raised similiarly. What I mean by that is that our cultures aren't so drastically different that we would disagree on how day to day things were to be done. I have seen an Asian marry a American and eventually one or the other's culture gets stomped out by the other and it is very sad to see. Some marriages have thrived anyway and been very blessed and happy but some have not. Just a thought to think on.
(4) being able to communicate with each other is right up there with love
There may be more but I can't think of them right now but hopefully this will give you some insight into your situation.

Answer 7

If you BOTH love each other very much and agree on the major issues of marriage, then by all means, get married. By major issues, I mean,
1. Do you both want children?
2. Do you both believe in God ?
3. Are you both on the same page about day-to-day issues like working, sharing home chores, recreational interests?
4. Do you have fun together?
5. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life loving this person and being true to this person only?
You don't have to be totally "alike"....some differences are okay. You just need to agree on the major issues.

Answer 8

I think the top things that you should agree on are:

1. Importance in the sanctity of marriage. (Do you both highly value it or does one or both feel, ehhh....if it doesn't work out thats okay.)

This WILL determine if you'll make it through the tough times. (There will be a few)

2. Children, do you both agree on them or are you on opposing sides? (This will cause much heartache if one of you thinks they will change the mind of the other.)

3. Religion, do you believe and if you don't would you support your partner in what ever religion they choose? (You don't have to agree on a religion, just the respect of your partners belief.)

4. Money, do you have the same values in saving or spending. (If one of you is saving, saving, saving and the other is just out of control with spending there will be huge probelms.)

These 4 things are most likely to cause bigger problems AFTER people say I DO.

From personal experience my husband and I are polar opposites and have been together for 25 years. I believe that one of the reasons we have lasted so long is BECAUSE we are so different, we are really the 'other' half of each other. (and a deep respect for each other as separate people.)

Make sense? LOL

Blessings!!

Answer 9

You should have the same goals in life: Social status, religion, economics.
Agree on family values, and number of children.
There are 7 key ingredients to a long happy marriage:
1 Make time for the relationship
2 Confide in one another
3 Let go of the small hurts, and try to understand the big ones
4 Express your love for each other
5 Show an interest in your spouse's life
6 Be there in times of need.
7. Communicate constructively and positively about problems in the relationship

I always strongly recommend marriage counseling. Studies show that marriages are strongest in the beginning, but happiness tapers off considerably throughout the course of it (mostly due to children) and increase after retirement (but the numbers are against actually making it here without the proper tools and understanding).

If you aren't in your 30's yet, can you wait? Statistics also show that marriages beginning in early 20's are 6x's less likely to last than those who marry in their 30s.


Tina Turner had a good point: "What's Love Got to Do with It?" ;o)

Answer 10

Linz,

I would encourage you two to get pre-marital counseling. Even when everyone is in favor of a marriage, there are issues the couple didn't think about that suddenly come up no matter how long they've been together. It would be good to get some of these things uncovered prior to marriage to make sure they are not deal breakers.

The big issues that you should agree on are:

How do you each handle money?

What are your views on sex?

How do you intend to raise your children (with your atheist / christian differences--I guarantee this will come up)?

Here's another bigee: How do you both handle conflict?

You need to be comfortable that you are compatible in those areas--because (and I hate saying this) love is not enough--resentment and anger that build up over these types of issues will strangle your love.

Answer 11

The fact that you're different doesn't mean the marriage won't work, as long as those differences are not about the really important things, like do you both want kids, etc. Having the same attitude to money also helps. I see your question is in the relgion section, so if you have doubts about the two of you having different belief systems, I think you should discuss these before the marriage, because eventually it will affect your children as well.