What should my role be?

Question

Ok so i had been dating this guy for 6 months he is a single father for his 2 year old daughter. We had problems steming from how he raised her. Now we are back together and i don't want to step on any toes so i pretty much just don't try and say anything about her actions or what he should do, i've realized it is not my place so i just butt out of it.
i just don't know completly what to do (i have no children) but i do babysitt a lot. So should i step in and play the whole "mommy" role for her, since she's never had one, or should i just keep out of it?
I would appreciate it if the answers i get are not so much mean but can just help me out, i'm in a huge predicament and don't know what i should do. I love both of them very much and want us all to stay together.

Answer 1

I am a single parent of a 15 year old. Single since my baby was three months old.
The most important person in this situation is the child.
There is no clear answer until you and he are CRYSTAL CLEAR about both of your agendas.
He seems to have no problem asking you to babysit, making his job MUCH easier. Parenting is the hardest job imaginable, and most single fathers start right away trying to find a child care provider, because single parenting involves ZERO freedom. You cannot do anything else unless you can find someone to watch the child while you do that something else, like go to work, take a shower, breathe...etc. It takes an enormous, unearthly amount of maturity and patience to be a good single parent. Being mature is a learned and earned skill that doesn't just come naturally. It's hardly ever about what is fair to you as a parent. It's ALWAYS about what is for the best of the child. Being a good parent requires more maturity than you can sometimes imagine.
My bottom line here is.... you and he MUST sit down and talk plainly about all of this. He has to tell you what he wants and you have to tell him what you want.
DO NOT TRY TO MAKE HIM STAY WITH YOU BY DOING MORE THAN YOUR SHARE. We all do this and it always backfires in our face.
It is always better to be brave and risk the outcome we may think we don't want, but doing only what we would expect from others, not more (because that just makes us act like martyrs anyway, and that's horrible..) and trust that we've done the best for everyone involved.
You guys have to have this talk often and continue to update your expectations.
If you are responsible for his child, that makes you either the babysitter or the step-mother. Bottom line. What do you want? What does he want? Do you know what you want? Are you being completely honest? Is he?
As long as you are both being honest, nobody will feel used and abused, including the baby.
As far as discipline, that's his deal, as long as he is the only person responsible for the child. If he puts you in a position of being responsible for the child, then it's a team effort and the team has to be clear on the rules. Even-Steven. Discipline (as in: boundaries, and rules, NOT IN ANY WAY PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE which is NEVER OK. That just teaches them to be angrier and use hitting as a solution...how stupid!) and expectations for that child have to be consistent and exactly the same for both adults.
The adults HAVE to be ADULTS.
Too many people want all the AUTHORITY without any of the RESPONSIBILITY. Those big shot types who just want glory but don't want to do the hard work to earn it. They get their success at the expense of others and that's wrong, and artificial. I have no idea if he is like that, but I'm telling you, constant clear communication so there's NOTHING under the surface that's unsaid, no matter what the outcome might be, is ALWAYS the best way.
Be brave and don't be afraid of losing him. If you're fair to yourself and you lose him because of it, then he's done you a favor because he wanted you only if you were unfair to yourself. That would be horrible. You're worth so much more than that.
Remember that precious child is the most important person here.
m

Answer 2

You've been dating, keep it at that. If you both are serious and in love that's good. But, just be the girlfriend and help your boyfriend with his daughter. His daughter is only 2 and looks up to you. So, just be good with her and step back when you need too. Which means don't think your the Mother, because you are not. If your boyfriend wants you to play this role while you are dating he may say something to you about it. You can just be there for this little girl and be everything comforting, loving and nurturing. Simple...

Answer 3

It would be better to be a friend to this little girl than a mom. I do not think a "mommy" role would necessarily be healthy for this little girl unless you and her father are in an extremely committed relationship ie: engaged or married. It could just get too confusing. Ask your boyfriend what role you should be in this relationship. If he wants you to take on a mommy role then he needs to be aware that you do not necessarily agree with him on every single thing in regards to how he raises her. If it is going to be too difficult for him or you to compromise on the way things are done, then it is time to get out of the relationship. It will be too difficult to explain to the little girl later on than just making a clean break now.

Answer 4

Don't play mommy unless you and your boyfriend intend to make that role permanent. You've already exemplified the instability of dating relationships, and therefore it wouldn't be fair to this little girl to have a mommy who is in and out of the picture.

If the two of you do decide to get married, come to an agreement on what your role should be before you tie the knot. It would be wise to seek premarital counseling to help you with this process. There are a lot of difficulties within blended families, but you can avoid a lot of them by discussing the issues ahead of time, and by making the effort to get on the same page.

Answer 5

I think if you are in a caregiver role for the child, then she should know there rules of behavior. You have to set boundaries for her, and that will mean discipline occasionally. You can't just be a bodyguard for the child if you are a free babysitter. I agree that you are not the mother, but there is nothing wrong with being a role model and guide.
It sounds like Dad might even be confused about this too. It's important to talk to him about what is making this difficult.

Answer 6

I know my answer may not help as much as you would like, as it is not a clear cut be a parent to your boyfirend's daughter or not.
My son is almost 3, and I have been dating someone for almost a year now, their relationship does not fit any clear definitions, he is not my son's "daddy" and he never wil be, he already has a father. However, if my son is doing something to hurt himself, he definately tries to speak to him, if my son doesn't listen, I am told so I can speak to my son.
What made the relationship between my bf and my son easier is that my bf and I sat down and talked one night and spoke of the boundaries in which he is allowed to cross with my son. He knows how he can or cannot address my son, that has caused us to avoid some potentially damaging circumstances....
So, my advice? Talk to your bf, you guys can surely establish boundaries which you may or may not cross. It is important that you let him know how you feel about his daughter and how you feel sitting back and watching someone you know do something wrong. Having said that, you guys should be able to reach an agreement having the best of his daughter at heart.
Also, try your best no to label whatever you are to his daughter, you can't be her mommy, just be whatever comes naturally after a talk with her father.
Hope this helps,
Peace

Answer 7

I think you should relax and do it very slowly it is not going to be easy but you should try to step in a way where they don't feel you are fillin in a space that's irreplaceable...be smooth and act slowly get involve with the kid first as friend then as a second mother always remembering that she is not looking for a mother...take his point of view into account and don't forget that no matter what its his kid you can suggest things but never act like her mother I tell you this for I hated my dad's other lady for trying to pretend something that I never asked for...be yourself and don't take the mother thing to serious it is not the same to babysit than to raise a kid...I'm sure you will do just fine.

Answer 8

If you were his WIFE, you would have every right to play the "mommy" role. However, you are his GIRLFRIEND, nothing more and your are not entitled to tell him how to raise his child, discipline her or anything otherwise. It is truly unfair to a child to bring someone into their lives only to have the relationship between the adults fail and then the child feels terrible because their "mommy" has left.

Best advice I can give you is love him away from his child unless and until the two of you are ready to make a family with the three of you.

Best of luck!

Answer 9

Okay, one step at a time.

This is something that the two ( three) of you are going to have to work out together. You and your partner will need to establish some rules about what to do. If you and him do hook up more permanently then you can't butt out. She will in effect be your stepdaughter.

There will need to be guidelines on punishments and such for when things go wrong and rewards when things go right. You say she's never had a mommy, where is her biological mother? Someone needs to be the parent figure(s), why not you?

Answer 10

You should be talking to him about this. And, you should be thinking hard about whether you want to tie your life & future up with a man who's parenting style you don't respect. What if you two have kids together - then what happens?

Every step-relationship has to define itself & has to be built up on a foundation that considers the feelings & needs of every person involved in it. You, your bf, his child - all of you need to decide together what your role will be.

I can tell you that, in my step-relationship, I am pretty much 'Dad's parenting partner'. I am not mom. But, my husband & I do parent my stepdaughter together.