Should I go to my father's funeral?

Question

When I was 14, I made some normal mistakes teens do. My parents said I had broken their trust and were very harsh. I loved them and that broke my spirit. I did my best to get back their trust but they were extremely unforgiving ad it took a while. I made them proud of me, but could never see them *** loving parents anymore. Our relationship was destroyed, they did what no parent should ever do. Some people said I'd understand when I became a father. Well, I'm 55, have 2 great kids, a boy 25, and a girl, 21. In their teen years they made mistakes, of course, but we handle that with love, today they are 2 great young adults and we have a wonderful relationship. I wrote off my parents, though they tried to reconnect. But I refused, they hardly knowe my wife and my kids. I haven't talked to them for 25 years, to me they and my life with them are an extremely sad memory.
My father died yesterday and mys siter aked me to go his funeral, said my mom pleaded. But why? I see no point in this

Answer 1

Go. It will give you closure.

Answer 2

You don't see a point because you are still angry at your dad and now he's dead and he can't tell you he's sorry. More than likely he wouldn't anyway, people have a way of justifying their behavior and rewriting history.

I have a very similar story and am around your age. A couple of things that I have learned over time. You cannot blame parents for not knowing how to handle a situation. You did better because it was important to you to not repeat their mistake. However, my guess is that at some point you are going to have to admit to making some of your own. No parent gets off scott free, its the way it works. As you have learned, parenting is not instinctual and things happen that you have to make a decision and muddle through. You and I have the advantage of 40 years of looking at parenting from a different perspective than how our parents were raised. Children are valued and treated differently. My mother for instance was one of 7 kids who's parents openly favored the youngest, to the point of having a bedroom for her and the rest slept in the basement on cots. Imagine the havoc this caused in those 7 siblings lives, and since my mother was not the favored youngest child, she brought those feelings of worthlessness into her parenting. Your father may have had a similar situation, and really just didn't know how else to handle the situation.

I'm not telling you to forgive him, I am telling you that you need to do what is best for you. The reality is that nothing can go back and make this right for you. Its over and its done. Your family apparently didn't write you off.

What's the message you want to impart to your kids? What you are telling them is that its ok to handle difficult situations by simply removing yourself. Well you didn't "remove" yourself. You're still hurt and angry. Nothing has changed in all that time, except you are older than they were when this happened and your father is dead.

For the record, I've had several periods where I couldn't be in contact with my parents, I just couldn't and stay sane. My mother will never take responsibility for what she did, never. And as she has aged, she's written history in her favor. My father is just as ineffectual as he ever was. I don't feel a need to forgive them, I did however forgive myself. I see them when I have to, talk to them occasionally. I also hold my mother accountable and don't mince words.

You are in control of your life and your behavior, you cannot control anyone else. If I were you, and facing this, I would go with my anger and everything. I would tell my mother exactly how it effected my life and the lives of my kids. Sometimes it wakes up a part of you that is closed up to let all that stuff spill out. Then you can truly move on. I'm sorry for the loss of your father, and I'm sorry he did what he did to you. I wish it could have been better for both of us, but our kids are better for it and we broke the cycle. There is a reason for everything.

Answer 3

Follow your heart. Imagine how you'll feel after the funeral. Will you feel good - or will your mother and sister? Maybe it could be a chance to build bridges, maybe not. Sometimes leaving sleeping dogs lie is a good idea. Too much time has passed and you have seen parenting from the other side. You never felt it necessary to behave as they did and have proved to yourself that their approach was wrong. However, none of us are perfect and our expectations of our parents can sometimes be unrealistic - we're all flawed human beings and capable of mistakes. Did they ever apologise for their mistakes? Did you?
This is not giving you the answer you need - only you can decide that. But bear in mind that you must keep your integrity intact and your dignity whatever you decide.

Answer 4

Honestly i think you should go. For one its just shows the upper most respect, I mean the least you can do is just show your respect and show up, no one is saying you need to stay there or even act like you care for that matter but at least make a presence. Second I know that in your heart and your fathers heart the both of yous still have love for eachother. I mean come on now hes your father and your his son. And last, lets just say that you dont go and somthing happend down the line, you will always have that thought in the back of your mind that you didnt go to your own fathers funeral. You will always have that regret and for me life is to short to have regrets, and the last thing you want is for your last memory of your father to be a bad one.
I hope you find the answer you are looking for

Answer 5

I agree. You had no relationship with this man, and there are better circumstances under which you can visit your sister.

It's funny how death rehabilitates character. If you found your parents' actions unforgiveable during your father's lifetime, why would you feel differently now?

I had a similar relationship with my own parents, and did NOT attend their funerals. I would have felt uneasy and hypocritical. My siblings wanted me to attend, and their reason was "It will look bad if you don't show up." Bad to whom?

It's an unpopular stance for you to take, I'm sure, but maybe your integrity is involved. This might also serve as a lesson to parents (of whom I'm one) to be less punitive and more respectful in their judgment of their children's mistakes. The actions of parents have consequences, too.

Answer 6

You definately should go. If not for your father then for yourself. You'd hate to later on down the road wish that you would have went and it can give you some sort of closure to the situation and I bet it will make you feel good. You are being the biggere and better person in the situation. I do suggest going, even if you only plan to stay 5 minutes. They did raise you. It sounds like they did a poor job, but maybe that's the best way that they knew how.

Answer 7

There may be no point in your going from your point of view.

But you teach your children by example. You OBVIOUSLY have done a better job at parenting than did your parents. Don't stop now, show compasion for a woman who has lost her love. Don't look at it as your mom - but as a woman grieving. You would not do less for a coworker. My bet is you have taught your children to be compassionate.

You will be glad you did in the end - knowing you did the right thing - even if there seems to be no point.

Answer 8

Yes you should go, my father and I have had a fight recently about his selfishness among other things and it was the last straw for me. So I told him that if he couldn't lean to appologize that I would see him at his funeral. I know this sounds horrible but I have been through way too much with my dad that I hope its a wake up call for him, but if not I will come to the funeral because I think its the right thing to do.

Answer 9

It is my opinion that you should go. Not only for yourself, but as a peaceful example to your own family.

Not everyone is a great parent, but your not-so-good father made you a better father to your kids, no? Everything happens for a reason. Show your respect to your parents, even if they didn't make the best parenting decisions.

Answer 10

You should go, for closure. You probably feel like you are completely over this, that it happened 40 years ago and it doesn't effect you, but it does.
If for no other reason than it helped you to be a better father than he was. You should go and silently thank him for teaching you all the things you didn't want to be as a father. You children sound lucky to have you. You should also offer them an opportunity to go. They have a right to say good bye to him as well.

Answer 11

I think you are better off just going so you don't have any regrets later in life. Whether you had your disagreements or not, he was still your father and you wouldn't be here today if it weren't for him. There are some fathers that never even try to reconcile with their children and you said that he did at least try. I think you should go even if it means just to give your sister support.