How do I get him to stop? My dad is saying that I've been "sheltered" (and spoiled) all my life.

Question

He says I've had it "made". He got together with a new girlfriend who has led a hard life but I feel like I respect that. I have just chosen recently not to have him around because of his constant criticism. But now he's just doing it behind my back. I work everyday, pay bills, and take care of my husband and child. I don't feel like his criticism is even fair.

Answer 1

Then why are you paying attention to it? My guess is that he knows your buttons and is doing what he can to hurt you cause you hurt him(in his head at least). Tell your dad that you didn't know that there was a competition for who has the hardest life, and while you appreciate all he did for you, at least his g/f didn't have to grow up with a father that constantly criticized his daughter instead of nurturing her. That should shut him up.

You need to be the best parent you can for your child and realize that sometimes how we were raised sneaks into our parenting. Be on the lookout for behaviors that reflect your past, and get help moving past them if you have to.

Just because someone reproduced doesn't actually make them a parent, and apparently your father fits into this category.

Answer 2

If what your father is saying to you and/or about you and you feel that it is unwarranted, I suggest you take him aside and have a good old fashioned heart to heart. Let him know that you are familiar enough with the way you were brought up but you have grown and matured. You appreciate what you had growing up but now you understand the importance of doing what you are currently doing. What parent in their right mind would criticize their daughter for working outside the home in order to provide necessary money needed to raise a family? You have a right to be proud that you are a contributing member of society who has the willingness and capability to make your own way in life without being a financial drain on your parents or the system. If during this conversation your father continues to criticize, give him an ultimatum. Let him know in very direct terms that his putting you down and not giving you the recognition you have earned is very upsetting and is an insult to the woman you have become, and that you will no longer associate yourself as his daughter. Also point out, what should be obvious, that you are now a mother and his grandchild does not need to be exposed to such unjust negativity. Inform him that you want him in your life and that you want his grandchild growing up knowing him but if he is unable to refrain from not giving you due credit, you will find a way to make your life continue without him. I hope this advise is helpful. Good luck.:}

Answer 3

How sad. Your dad seems a little angry that perhaps you've had an "easier" life then him. I'd keep my distance if I were you. Do you really want his negativity around your child? When you are around him, regardless of his behavior, treat him with compassion and respect...set an example for your child. Don't hang on to the hurt or anger you feel, it will eat away at you. You know inside that you are doing right by your family, and that is what matters.
You probably can't get him to stop, he obviously has issues. Be strong!

Answer 4

you can't get him to stop...you just need to know that it's not how he really feels...he's listening to the new people in his life who are jealous of what you grew up with...nobody "has it made" who is working and taking care of her own family without needing his help...and that could be the problem...you don't need him like you did when you were a child...parents have an odd way of showing their love sometimes...don't shut him out...include him in your life so he can see just how hard you have it...it may not seem hard to you, but think about the single people who don't have anyone else to take care of...THEY are the ones who have it easy...not the other way around...once the newness wears off of his girlfriend, he will calm down...but it's up to you to decide if you can handle the criticism until that happens...don't sink to the girlfriend's level...show your dad that you are the bigger person and you're not going to let his girlfriend interfere with the relationship you had with your dad...she's not worth it...

Answer 5

If there's anything I've learned about people, you can't make them stop anything they're intent on doing.

I think you've done all you can by not allowing him to remain in your life. If there is some family event when this sort of behavior cannot be avoided, you may want to embrace the idea. Tell your father "yes, I lead a great life."
you could follow up with something about respecting the the hardships and achievements of others.

Answer 6

I think you are doing the right thing. When I first read your question, I thought maybe you were a teen still living at home, and maybe he was right.

but it sounds like you are a full grown adult, living on your own with your OWN family. You don't need immature, petty BS from a bad father. Tell him that unless he can treat you with the respect you deserve, that he isn't welcome in your home, or around your family, and leave it at that.

Don't worry what he says behind your back. His girlfriend sounds like she is influencing him, and maybe SHE'S JEALOUS of you and she's being snide. Don't let it bother you. Your life and your actions speak volumes compared to his words. Use this as a lesson to set a good example to your own child - that you should treat people with respect and not speak behind their backs, or those people won't want to be in your life.

Answer 7

Negativity and criticism come from fear. Your Dad lives in fear and so he spews out negativity. You've made a choice that you don't want that in your life and you have a right to that choice. If you choose, talk to him and explain that you still love him but you can't be around his constant negativity. If he decides to change the way he looks at things be there to help him make that transition. If he chooses to continue his negativity and talk about you behind your back, he's choosing to push you away. You have a right to live your life in peace and to teach your children to be positive. Just live your life and don't let your Dad's words hurt you. They are just a product of his fears. This is all about him. It's not about you.

Answer 8

This is a tough one. If you can find it in you, try to talk to him about this. At the end of the day, he raised you so he can hardly blame you for being brought up the way you were. He is comparing you to another individual. This is the one thing we, as parents, are always cautioned against doing. If he is proud of his girlfriend for her achievements in life, then good. That's fine... but that takes nothing away from you and your efforts.

While you're doing all that, try to care a little bit less about what he says. If you are confident in your life and your actions then just nod and smile ;-) Leave him to it and do your thing.

Good luck!

Answer 9

If I were in your situation I'd walk up to me dad and say, "What's the deal? You never complained about how 'sheltered' and 'spoiled' I was, when I was little. Raising a child, is a decision that you can't take back. It's a little too late to be complaining about how much you spent on me, but it's not really my fault for being here, now is it?"

Of course...that sounds a bit sassy...You can re-word it.. Although, I hope you get my point.

Answer 10

Your father is like mine always was -- critical, a put-down artist. Instead of minding his own business and taking care of his own issues, he is looking outside of himself for someone to beat up emotionally.

Looks like he chose you. I understand completely.

If you were sheltered and spoiled all your life, hon, HE and your mom were the ones who sheltered and spoiled you, so in my opinion, he needs to shut UP (but he probably won't).

I think your best bet is to IGNORE him... and realize he has big problems and emotional issues which he has never dealt with (and he probably never will). He was likely put down and emotionally abused at sometime during his own life. This sort of behavior comes in cycles. You and me are the ones who can stop it in our own generation.

You could probably talk to him until you are blue in the face, but it likely won't change... never worked in my situation.

If he tells you that you're spoiled and puts you down to your face again, just agree with him. See what he does? After that, ignore him.

I know and YOU know that you are a good person, and those who love you know what type of person you are, too! Even though we all want our parents' approval, we don't always get it... especially when they have "issues", such as our fathers do.

take care of YOU. sending warm thoughts and hugs your way.