ok, I'm 18 years old, my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my dad was just in the hospital with a serious illness and im the only family member who can take care of him, my mom says i never spend time with her, im going in to nursing school aka taking all my prerequisites, im engaged, my familys against it but his cant wait.. thats not til oct. 16th 2010. i work 12 hours tuesday and thursday, and go to school monday wensday and friday and work everyother weekend, im in 17 credit hours at school and my fiance lives with me as we house hop from his parents house, my moms and my dads. i am extremely stressed. can anyone help?!?!?!?!
oh and...
ok.. yes I AM the only one who can take care of my dad.. he cant afford a nurse.. NO my fiance is not muching off of me..he travels with me because its our only time together... our sex life is suffering horrible also :-(.. we house hop because we feel like our parents will be upset if we dont spend time with them.
2007-10-18 23:21:25 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I am a little older and more experienced in this are and trust me when I say this...I wish someone had told me this at your age....
1) The best way to help your dad is by helping yourself. You have to be able to go to school and do well so you can get a job and make money and while you are doing ok at the pace you are going right now, you will burn out soon and it will make it difficult to do any of the things that you are trying to do right now.
2) It is rare that I would give this advice to anyone as young as you but, chicky....cash in the dream of having any kind of fancy wedding for now, get a marriage license and get married. If this relationship is truly one you see lasting and if it is the source of strength and support for you, then protect it with everything that you have. You can always have a wedding or a party later.
3) This kind of speaks to number two...get a place of your own...even if it is a room in a house, you and your fiance should make that your home base. Go to visit family and friends from there, but come home and sleep in your own bed at night. You are a person with needs of your own...you need stability and security...don't underestimate the value of that.
4) Instead of spending time caring for your father spend your time calling various agencies that will offer care to your father. Sweetie, I know you say you are the only one in your family that can care for your father, but the truth is that there is a huge number of services that will provide low or no-cost aid to your father. Start by calling the hospital where your father was and ask to speak to a social worker...explain your situation and refuse to hang up until they help you.
Look, if your parents are going though a divorce right now...and you are engaged at the tender age of 18...I am going to guess that your life has been full of chaos...
Undoubtedly your parents have been having a hard time for a while now...arguing and creating a lack of stability for you...you strive to make things better for yourself but you keep getting sucked back into the drama that you have known probably most of your life....
After all, what would you do if there wasn't so much chaos in your life? What would you do if everything were calm and stable and everyone could take care of themselves? You think you would like it...you think it would make you feel so much better...but the truth is you will probably find yourself feeling a little empty...which is why you allow this stuff, this emotional upheaval to surround you constantly.
Ok, I know that you are going to probably ague with that point...
I know you are going to say "But people keep putting stuff on me, people expect things from me...."
Yes, true...but that is only because you are available to have stuff be put upon you.The good news is that this doesn't have to be the case. If you can start giving up certain things...like responsibility for your fathers healthcare or responsibility for your parents and his parents feelings...and replace that with other things...like yoga or a cooking class or something you enjoy...and you ration your spare time and emotional energy...if you do this you will be well on the path to healthy relationships with people in your life....
Trust me, someday you will need people to be there for you and if you continue to allow people to not be considerate of you and your own workload/stress level...when you need them to be there for support, they won't be beause you never taught them how.
Best wishes.
2007-10-19 11:20:54 · answer #1 · answered by joellemoe 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For some reason, I was drawn to your question. Not even knowing what your situation was. Now that I've read your question, I see why I was drawn to it. You see, I watched my fiance go through something similar this past year. And it all came to an end in January of this year. My fiance's step-father suffered from a long term illness. In her case she was the only person he felt comfortable with. He depended on her for everything. I watched her life change right before my eyes. I mean from us spending a lot of time to only having just enough time to say hello.
There is medicaid and medicare available. I strongly suggest using them. It may take some time to screen certain agencies to help aid your father. But it will take some of your stress and worries away.
My only advice to you is to really take the time to take care of self. You will run yourself into the ground tending to your family and forget all about your own health.
2007-10-19 05:16:17 · answer #2 · answered by turnedcydwayz 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
someday you are going to have to realize you cant take care of everyone else in the world, and taking care of YOU is your first priority.
if your dad can't afford a nurse, then someone needs to help him by applying for medicaid services -- if he's in a nursing home, then he will receive adequate care there. if he is at home, you need to talk to other members of his family and bluntly ask them when they can help with your dad. YOU are not responsible for your dad, but it's nice to help. EXPECT other family members to pitch in.
I know what it's like going to nursing school -- you have little time for other things... and you work on top of it all! running back and forth to your boyfriend's parents' house and your mom's and your dad's, without getting adequate time for YOU could make you ill....
I think that you might consider writing down a list of priorities. If going to your mom's and your boyfriend's parents' homes is low on the list, then you will have to stop going there so often, and do what it is which is most important at this time in your life.
You have the rest of your life to visit your mother and boyfriend's family -- right now, there are other things you must do for your future. TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! I can't stress this enough.
2007-10-19 03:14:00 · answer #3 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're trying to please too many people. The main thing is that you take care of you. Stop trying to please all the parents. Tell them what you're feeling and ask them for help in caring for your Dad in whatever way they can help. If they are unable or unwilling to help tell them you can no longer deal with the house hopping. Your Dad needs you more right now and his house is where you will stay for now. If they are upset that you can't spend time with them, challenge them to come up with a better solution that will help you all.
Stop worrying about what the parents want. You have to live your life. Right now you've got school and work to deal with. You also have taken on the role of caretaker to your Dad. If you spend some time living in his home, you can simplify things a little by commiting to staying in his home until he doesn't need you to take care of him anymore. That will help to stablilize things for you. If your Mom can't handle that, that's her issue. Tell her the way things are now is driving you crazy and unless she's willing to pitch in and help with your Dad, you have to stay with him for now.
On the weekends that you're off, schedule a little alone time with your fiance and make that your special time for sex or whatever else you want to do. Right now you have a lot on your plate but you are working toward something that is meaningful to you and will help you both in the future. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to get what we want. This is a trying time but it is also practice for when you get married. How your fiance responds to the stress you're feeling and how he tries to help you through it will show what your marriage will be like. There are blessings in everything. Stay strong and take care of you.
2007-10-19 02:04:42 · answer #4 · answered by innerradiancecoaching 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Boy, I'm not sure what to say about your dad, but I do want to say I think you are doing great. That's awesome that you are doing all that stuff you are doing. I think anyone would be stressed out. Congratulations on going to nursing school. Keep up the good work. I wish there was someone you trusted that could take care of your dad. And congratulations on getting married.
2007-10-19 00:28:54 · answer #5 · answered by bostonchick 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all take a deep breath, Cry if you need to and take yourself to a real quiet place and just SCREAM. Tell yourself its going to be fine.
Now write a letter to each of the important people explaining how you feel- you dont have to give it to them if you dont want to, it will just get it out of your head and on to paper.
You and your fiance need to stay in the house you are most comfortable in and most convinient for you. (preferably your Dads) Then all this moving can stop.
Make a point of having Sunday dinner with your mum and dinner at his mum on a Wednesday every week. (this will also save on your grocery shopping. The rest of the week you will be tired so rest with your fiance knowing you are in the next room to your Dad so if he needs you its OK.
If your parents cant accept this then they will have to deal with it. Your an adult now but make sure you text/Email your mum every day to show you think of her.
Your a good person and your Fiance will be a great Support to you so dont shut him out. Take time out for him atleast an hour or more every night before you go to bed.
I hope this helps
Flic x x x
2007-10-18 23:34:58 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Aw you poor thing this reminds me of my parents story exactly in the end your partner for life is who will be with you in 20 yrs or so time so concentrate on him see your parents less give them a phone call or something they have to understand their little girl is moving on.
As for the stress well you need to just take a min or so to realx have you tired taking a walks or going to a coffee house or something for a little break everynow and then? As for your Dad there should be something the (if you are in the UK) NHS can do for you have you spoken to his doctor beacuse its unreasonable for them to expect an 18 yr old in full time education to look after him all the time! There should be somekind of help or services out there avalible for him.
best of luck x
2007-10-18 23:28:48 · answer #7 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How about prioritizing better. See short article on site below to see how your inner peace and happiness is the most important thing. People without it can commit suicide or have a nervous breakdown. You admit that you need to take some stuff off your plate so you do not choke on all of it. Forget what others tell you. Endless love and perfect peace is what you have wanted since the day you were born. This advice makes me your best friend ever.
2016-05-23 16:25:07 · answer #8 · answered by lanell 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1st, in my opinion, live with dad full time. he is the one who needs your help right now, the others can wait. schedule time with your mom at lunch on school days, even if it is a bologna sandwich in the parking lot in the car. schedule date night with your fiance' twice a week and time with the future inlaws on sunday afternoon. perhaps a neighbor could sit with your dad then or maybe he would be ok alone a few hours while you visit. MAKE TIME FOR A BUBBLE BATH FOR YOU...LIGHT CANDLES, TURN OFF THE LIGHT AND RELAX. you cannot take care of dad, school and work if you are stressed to this point.....
2007-10-19 04:31:41 · answer #9 · answered by zelman069 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all take a 1o when you start feeling like this. Second your not living for your parents you need to live for yourself! Speaking from a parent here. Your life is moving way to fast for your age girlfriend, slow down. I know your gonna say "but I can't" but you can and better before you make yourself sick. Your Parents are adults and if they can't understand why you can't be with them all the time well then the hell with them for just a little while until you can put yourself back together. I am a parent and if my daughter was in your situation I sure in hell wouldn't put pressure on her like that. Sounds to me that there a little jealous and are putting you right into the middle of it. Just reasure them that you will alway's be there for the BOTH of them but that you have your own life to deal with and having to deal with the both of them leaves you not much time. Make them understand or you will be doing what your doing for the rest of their lives and yours probably. You must remember that your parents made it together before you were born and they will do it again. Its our nature to do this. Trust me.. they'll be fineEven your Dad. PS wasn't trying to be hostile but trying to rensure you that "it will be OK for you to take a break and get your education in"
2007-10-18 23:39:28 · answer #10 · answered by sunnydays 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋