I'm a very physically affectionate person, and there's a big part of me that wants lots of attention. But whenever a guy tells me I'm beautiful or wants to spend lots of time with me, I get scared. I feel this instinctive urge to fight it off. I used to be touchy feely, but now I only like it from guys I have known for a while, not new people. It's like I'm afraid of getting hurt or that they'll change their minds. I was sexually harrassed last year and propositioned a lot by a few sleazy building mates. Do you think that is another reason why I'm scared of male attention? How can I train myself not to be afraid of it? I have pushed away some decent guys and I don't want to do that again. I really want a loving, attentive mate one day.
2007-10-18 16:33:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Well, there's nothing wrong with wanting to warm up to a person before you get physical with them. Sex and other types of physical intimacy build attatchment and affection between two people. Once you feel this it's painful if you don't see the person anymore. So you want to be careful of who you get physical with because you know of this consequence.
But there's a balance here. If you're afraid of intimacy, the knowledge of this consequence can keep you from being physical with ANYONE. You know that if you get physical your heart will start to feel for that person. You will be attatched to that person. And if this is something you have a lot of negative emotion about you will generally avoid it.
Problems with intimacy typically, but not always, spring from bad childhood experiences with intimacy. How was your relationship with your fatther? Were you afraid of him? Are you angry with him? Did he hurt you, or just plain pretend like you weren't there most of the time? Ask the same about your mother or other siblings too. These issues typically take a long time to uncover and deal with. But no better time to start than now.
The statement you made "It's like I'm afraid of getting hurt or that they'll change their minds." sounds like a self esteem issue. You may feel you don't deserve the attention. Or once they get to know you, they will eventually figure out that you're somehow bad or unlovable. Of course this isn't true, but somehow somewhere you got the impression it was.
Start digging into these feelings. They are the key to being intimate with someone someday. Use therapy, friends, self help books and so on if you can. Like I said before, these things take time to get to the bottom of. There's usually a lot of well burned in behavior and thought patterns, denial and attitudes that prevent you from feeling these painful feelings most of the time. But if you keep pushing and asking and don't give up, you WILL eventually find resolution. Good luck.
2007-10-21 11:21:09 · answer #1 · answered by LG 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know a couple girls that have the same problem as you , infact I was just thinking about one of them tonight , the girl is real nice , she did mention when I first met her that her ex husband did put her through some kind of traumatic experience when he left her , she never mentions him and I don't ask..she has a full time day job that pays very well and works weekends and nights as a waitress and takes college courses on her other free nights..I know that she is interested in me and I like her but I don't see this going anywhere , it's like she burrys herself in work and college just for an excuse not to have a guy in her life that will hurt her again...
Maybe you should try giving one of these nice guys a chance , the last thing in the world we would want to do is hurt any girl..
2007-10-18 17:06:50 · answer #2 · answered by Confused 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Infinity is a puzzling concept to hold close for some, yet fortuantely the bible starts off with "interior the beginning up" and that i'm ever so grateful that it ends with "Amen". Wuld it have been a greater appropriate instruction manual if the final word had looped back to the 1st at limitless velocity ~ or what if it began and complete on an identical web site ... shall we call this new version the lacking massive purple e book of gazpacho? in line with probability many will want my "roll your very own" version... experience the affection, toddler.
2016-10-07 05:00:47 · answer #3 · answered by earles 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi again. Lol. I think that is why you are scared of men because you've experienced been sexually harassed before. YEs, someday you will meet the perfect guy for you. How old are you anyway? But note that NOT ALL guys are like that and just look for pretty women to have sex with, yada yada yada...
Good luck!
2007-10-21 20:07:57 · answer #4 · answered by Blah. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i'm like that too, but i've never had any bad experiences like that, with me anyway i think it's just that i like to be independent and even though they're nice sweet guys the though of them having any kind of control (financially or other wise) causes me to push them away - like even to the point of kinda lieing to myself to find reasons to make them leave (i haden't really though about it untill now) i usually just date losers that are smaller than me so if anything weird ever happens i know i could take them out =/
gah =/ i'm gonna watch yer question, maybe we'll both get some answers =/
2007-10-18 16:42:39 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋