How do i tell a guy i've been abused...?

Question

before anything gets to serious between me and this guy whos 2 years younger then me, i want him to know that i cant give him everything he's expecting and that im probably really difficult to be in a relationship with but i dont want to turn him off but at the same rate i don't want to hurt him. and he really needs to know that i have been abused by men sexually physically verbally and every which way you can possibly imagine so he can understand my odd ways and decide whether he wants me or not. P.S. we are both very young, im 17 he's 15, so i know you guys are going to say he cant handle that but i want to know if i should try or not. Also, i can't go out with older guys, they make me really really uncomfortable. Please help?

Answer 1

Don't tell him.

As you say, you are very young, and young men are less mature than young women.

He probably is not mature enough to understand what you mean.

Likely the reason you choose younger guys is that you feel more in control.

Now, if you tell him your deepest, darkest secret, you will be testing how much he loves you...and, how much you are in control.

Because you have been abused, you lack the self confidence to enter a relationship based on your strong points.

So instead, you let boys know about your greatest hurt. In a way, you are hoping for him to save you. In another way, you are doing your best to scare him off because you don't know how to slowly build a satisfying relationship.

So, it's easier to tell him now and have him reject you than it would be to try and have a relationship with him and end up turning him off...or, disgusting him.

Whatever the truth, you are obviously much more in need of a good, safe therapist than you need a younger boyfriend.

Please ask the school nurse or an adult that you trust how you can get professional help for yourself.

Answer 2

Well, my opinion is....

first of all, you both are little on the young side to even worry about telling him this, especially if you aren't already serious. I would think this is something you would tell someone with whom you ARE serious... Because everyone can't handle a serious conversation, let alone, a serious relationship. First, I think you should just ride it out easily to see if you are going to be with this guy. Just be yourself, your NATURAL self. Allow the real you to be friends with this guy, and any other guy for that matter. Learn to be a friend. If thats not enough for them, they are pressuring you in any way, then you should already know the deal, and where its going to lead for you, downhill again.... Also, learn to be a good judge of character. See if you can feel, hear, or see your senses working for you about the character of a person. Stop falling for everything that will misuse you or abuse you or even someone thats not treating you well enough for you to feel special. Yeah, its hard to tell, well, thats what we mean when we say you are TOO YOUNG.... Thats what that statement means, teens always seem to think its some hidden message behind it, like 'oh they don't think we know what we are doing or talking about..' well, as you can see from your experience, sweetheart, you REALLY -KINDA- DON'T KNOW, right?

Well, anyway, whats done has been done, so from now on, just kind to yourself and be yourself, and be friends first with a person. Sex never has to start off a relationship. Actually, it doesn't have to end one either. Its when two people really care enough about each other only to take it to another level that they are sure they can be responsible with together. Especially if there are reprecussions..such as baby, disease, etc... There is always the chance of not wanting to be with the other also after these 'sexual encounters'. Sex makes a relationship quite different when you are younger or older. I have been in both places, so you can trust my answer from experience. I have been on both ends of the 'spectrum' as they say. The receiving and giving it, so they have told me. Anyways, just let him know, you have been through some things thus far and you wouldn't mind kinda just taking it gradually. You can tell him, you are interested in his friendship but you wanna make sure it is a real friendship before making any concrete decisions... If he can't handle that, then you can rest assured that he was probably just as the others were. If he can appreciate your stance, then he may be worth being friends with. 15, wow, thats a lot to handle for a fifteen year old boy anyways, I work with preteens and teens at school and they hardly can handle knowing that a girl is interested in them, they don't know what to do, they immediately think of sex. They are usually thinking of how to stack up their side of the points system in the locker room. Its kinda hard to find a really mature 15 year old guy that can handle the type of pressure you are ready to drop on him. Be careful and slow down a little. Hopefully, you'll have the rest of your life to be so worried about such decisions. Well the rest of your young adulthood...

Answer 3

If he cares about you then he will respect you also. you are only 17, and how does it that you have been so abused by men at such an early age? Men are pigs. they say. but you know there are those that are not like that. and don't expect that all men are that way. regardless of their age. even a man 2 years younger then you could also do those same very things. its not the age that did this to you, but the guy himself.
If you are comfortable with this guy and you like him and you get along good. then tell him about your past with men and that you have some issues with what happened and that you do care about him and hope that he can understand.

Answer 4

You are in a very difficult situation. It really saddens me to hear stories like yours because men, boys or anyone for that matter have no right to violate you or anyone else like that, even if it is something ad littlte as grabing your butt. I think men and/or boys need to know that they cannot treat anyone, boy or girl like that. If your boyfriend really loves you and wants to be with you then he will be there for you and will understand and will do anything that he can to help you through this and show you that some men CAN be trusted. I feel for you and wish you the best of luck!

Answer 5

If this guy wants to be serious with your relationship, there's no way he can be hurt by telling him your past. At least thru this you will know if both of you are compatible and understanding to the needs of each other.

you are still young and perhaps if this will not work you can spend your time looking for someone who is prepared to face all the consequences that goes with man and woman relationship.

Answer 6

You need to get some counseling to help you deal with this. It is hard to handle some of the things that happen to us, but you will never forget, but you have to learn to live with it. If not you will never be able to have a meaningful relationship no matter how old you get. Until you deal with this don't get in a relationship, because it isn't fair to the guy.

Answer 7

Be really careful with that situation.
I had a gf who was 2 years older than me and she told me she was abused too.

I was in a whole different state and couldn't do anything to help her what so ever. So it burdened me because I didn't know what to do other than sympathize.

I thought about it and realized that all we ever talked about was how rough her life was and stuff. Eventually I broke up with her it just wasn't working ya know?

We had good times too but the depressing times out weighed them. If you do tell him don't drag it on especially if you know there's not much he can do about it.

Good luck.

Answer 8

you want through something nobody should face. You may not trust any guy the same way again you have three options. 1: you could turn lesbian. 2: Tell him your secret and if he really undersands you and likes you he will get over that problem and comfort you. or 3: Never tell him and look I you are too scared. I would pick 2.

Answer 9

It sounds like you've had some tough times. If you aren't already seeing a counselor, it's important that you start. It can help you understand why you've been in bad relationships in the past and how to discuss what has happened to you when you begin a new relationship.

Answer 10

i think you should know that the outcome of being abused is a thread that will weave its way through your life with some pretty nasty effects....my advice would be worry less about this guy and take care of yourself...seek some counseling..it will help in ways you cant imagine....good luck.