disrespectful and rude kids..HELP?

Question

Im in desperate need to find a cure to control these kids without turning custody over to their dad cause i cant figure it out. call me stupid but ive grounded, taken things away, washed mouths out, went to a shrink who says i dont spend enough mommytime with them but when i try its a lost cause either by argueing or fighting. we cant have fun anymore constant bickering. i thought id never say i wanted to give my kids up but im gonna end up dying before im 40 if this keeps up. Someone give me some advice PLEASE!!!!

the kids r 12/9/6 and we have been divorced for over 6yrs personally nothing against their dad but i feel it would be worse if i gave them up but im at witts end on trying. when he does get them on the weekend he always calls more than once to find out what i do to control them, i say take stuff away and what does he do he does for an her or so and gives right back. i used to do that but im learning to stick to my word.

Answer 1

First, get the thought out of your mind that you are going to give your kids away. You're their mom. Mom's don't quit. We have the hardest job in the world, but we accept it because we love our kids. You love your kids or you wouldn't be writing asking for advice. You'd be sitting on the couch watching TV while your kids ran amok. You care. So, mom you have to step up here and get some rules in your house.

Your kids are walking all over you because they know they can. They are very good at sensing weakness. Therefore, you have to establish guidelines and you have to enforce them. You have to be strong.

The first thing you have to do is STOP YELLING. It's the first sign that you have lost control. Promise yourself that you will not raise your voice to your kids. Second, sit down with them and give each of them a chore to do. You are a working mom with 3 kids, you need help. There is no reason why your 6 year old can't put away his laundry. Your older children can dust and vacuum, help set the table, dry dishes. Give them choices. Let them decide which jobs they will do. Giving your children responsibility will make them feel better about themselves.

Tell your children often that you love them and are proud of them. Hug them every day. You may not have thought of this before, but your children are just as frustrated by all the fighting as you are. Sit down with them and ask them what changes they would like to see. Tell them you're a family and you're in this together.

You have to be strong and turn your household into a pleasant place to live. You can do it. Your children are looking to you for guidance. Good luck mom.

Answer 2

How old are they? Maybe you can force them to volunteer somewhere with really disadvantaged people that way they see how lucky they are to have you around. I know some kids are just terrible no matter what their parents do and sometimes it has nothing to do with the way their parents raised them.

I watch that show "Supernanny" and the moms always make the mistake of like constantly trying to discipline and yell at the kids ALL the time. They yell so much, and don't back up their threats with anything that nothing sinks in and the mom's yelling becomes "normal" to the kids. They don't even care if she's mad. I think they listen to dads because their voices are deeper and just naturally louder. Less easy to ignore. Maybe learn how to project your voice (like an actor).

Or take everything away (and I mean everything), so it's like giving them a fresh start with no distractions. Fun things are a reward and not a right, and if they haven't done anything good then why do they deserve it? Maybe give things back slowly once their behavior improves. They can whine but they can't whine forever.

Answer 3

First, find a new therapist, and find someone that will see all 3 of you, and keep trying until you find someone that offers real help. It sounds like a pain, but this is to save your family.

And that's not to say the other therapist wasn't right - he is - but for a single working mom you have hurdles to get over in order to spend 1 on 1. I find it hard and I'm a married SAHM so my heart goes out to you.

Anything else I have to offer just seems pointless. There are probably issues beyond just behavior. Just make sure you are strong and consistent.

Usually I recommend 1-2-3 Magic http://www.parentmagic.com/ (I just got it from the library)- which I found to be wonderful. You might want to try reading it to get yourself started, but I think you need more than that.

Also Family First http://drphilstore.com/famfirst.html by Dr. Phil is good.

Answer 4

You need a therapist that takes you seriously and wants to work with you to meet your family goals. You need a therapist that you can work with alone and then will work with you and the kids together.

Unfortunately some therapists are lazy and/or judgemental or downright stupid. You may have to visit several therapists until you find one that works for you; I know this is a pain, but when you find the correct therapist for you, you will see better results and feel a lot better.

In the meantime, don't let the kids get to you if at all possible and plan a mini vacation for yourself. Schedule a long weekend at their father's for the kids and go somewhere, even it is with out of town friends and TURN YOUR CELL PHONE OFF. Get some rest, swim, read non-parenting books, sky dive, whatever it takes to charge your batteries.

Answer 5

I think they are acting this way because you aren't spending enough time with them..by themselves, like..not enough one on one time. They are competing for your attention, even if it's the wrong kind of attention. You need to spend more time with them, yelling, grounding, and all of that won't help your children know that you value them. Your children can sense how much you dislike being around them, you need to calm down and remember that these are your kids and believe it or not they need you now more then ever. You will not die, all parents go through this, right now you need to look at the things your children are inadvertently telling you..each time they fight and/or bicker with one another..it's because of sibling rivalry...rivalry for your attention...you need to stand strong..and not give in. Punish where it's needed and be comforting and loving where needed. Don't favor one kid over the other..either.

It's a phase. You will all get through it together.

Taking everything away won't help, because the root of the problem still needs to be addressed, while yelling isn't getting you anywhere...neither will taking EVERYTHING away. Be a parent, use your judgement, if you think your child needs a hug or looks like they need to talk..[yes even 6 year olds need this from time to time] then take advantage of that.

Answer 6

Wrap your head around this concept: You cannot be your kids' friend... ever... you must be their PARENT. They are not play-pals... they are now your adversary because you did not establish dominion over them as a parent.

Since taking things away doesn't work, you have to remove their freedom and be ready to double up a leather belt and spank them into submission... or the occasional well-placed slap across the face... whatever it take to drill the message into them.
Since they are behaving like brats, you must treat them accordingly. Spankings followed by being sent to bed without dinner. They can eat in the morning, and they will be much more appreciative about that meal.

They will fuss and moan and behave like victims, but you must be strong and decisive and not pander to them. You have to do whatever it takes to get them into line. It is okay if they think you have gone psycho, just as long as you can get them to behave.

The longer you wait to get control, the worse it will get... you already know that. You only have so long before it goes from temper tantrums to drugs and gang activity.

It isn't like you are demanding a lot... all they have to do is pick up after themselves, do a few assigned chores to help you out, go to school and do their homework. You are the one struggling to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table and clothes on their backs. You should not tolerate any rebellion.

Your new mantra is, “If the mama ain’t happy, then NOBODY is happy.” The mama is the ultimate authority. You must get tough and step into your power as such. Your WILL must be done, not theirs.

Answer 7

hi there


think how the children acted while the father was around and how they are acting now. sometimes when parents break up the kids act up as well you have to get professional help for all you and your kids sometimes kids act this way to get attention or a way of letting there frustration out. sometimes they always blame one parent. You have to get family help if your still going to court ask your lawyer if he can help you. but never let go of your kids. I am sure they love you as you love them but they might be going through some changes themselves. try taking them out or just sit and talk to them trying to find out the problem that way you get a better understanding of the situation.


be well be safe god bless

Answer 8

maybe it would be best for you and the children if you did give custody to their father. If your life and their lives are this miserable on a daily basis... it's only furthering your relationship with your children. If they would not be in better hands with your husband, then you just need to try and find a way to get through to your children. I don't know them, so I can't suggest what to do about the situation

Answer 9

I don't know how old they are but get them checked for (adhd) it may be the case. That should help if not write back!!!

Answer 10

go to a parenting class. get professional help.