5 year old asked by friend 'where's your daddy' what do I say?

Question

I left my partner when my daughter was a year old, he was abusive and violent - I haven't seen him since and he hasn't seen our daughter, doesn't want to. My daughter is now 5 and asks why she hasn't got a daddy, her friends ask her where her daddy is, and she's said that he must have not loved her. I want to tell her as truthfully as I can but what do I say so she'll understand - and what can I tell her to say to her friends when they ask.

Answer 1

Tell her that he loved her very much but sadly mummy and daddy couldnt get along any more and had to part. Mummy and daddy loved her so much and they knew the rows were upsetting her so daddy decided that though it was really hard to do, he would stay away so mummy and baby could be happy. Be careful of telling her the truth about the violence and abuse at such a young age - kids have a way of blaming themselves xxx

Answer 2

Five year olds can be quite philosophical, so don't worry too much about her age, only in how you explain it. She want to know and she has a right to know. Truth heals much quicker than time. So tell the story of how you and your partner met and how they had a little baby girl, and what happened and why he has never visited her. Not all her questions you will be able to answer, because when all is said and done you can't really speak for him, and little girls want a mummy and daddy and to know that they love her.

What you also have to be prepared for is to offer her is a coping strategy, and you really need to know what you are going to do before you tell the story. It may be fantastic but it must be meaningful, and in some way ought to be related to how you have coped with the pain of parting, and the disappointments that you yourself have faced.

Don't rule out the possibility of meeting another man, who may become her daddy. After all someone to see and hold is important for a child.

For a young child life is a very serious matter. They don't know they are only little children. Trust your instincts and if you feel uncomfortable saying anything then it will probably be best left unsaid.

Answer 3

Tell her that her daddy didn't know how to be a daddy and that doesn't make your daughter any less of a person because of that and that her daddy didn't leave because of your daughter either. Don't tell her that he didn't love her either, just let her know he couldn't be the daddy she needed and that's why he is gone. As she gets older, you can give her more information that is the trueth and nothing more. When she is older she can make up her mind how she wants to think about her daddy and just make it as positive as possible that doesn't degrade your daughter. She is the most important person here and its a shame her daddy doesn't iknow how to be the person she needs in her life.

Answer 4

You don't have to tell your daughter EVERYTHING, and its always in the child's best interest to not verbally bash her father. Don't paint a rosy picture either. Just simply tell her that families consist of more than just a mommy and daddy, and not all families are the same. Explain the difference between the "title" and the actual role of a parent. You are both the mother and the father and it's ok to say so. She can tell her friends, "I already have a mommy who loves me enough for both, and I have other people (like grandparents or aunts and uncles), who love me as much as a daddy would." If that doesn't seem to be enough for childhood curiousity, you can explain that it was best for her sake he not be a part of her life, and that he wasn't ready for the "daddy" role. Its good that you do not sugarcoat things for her, but just don't paint the picture for her. Wait til she's older to tell her the truth. You sound like you're doing a good job.

Answer 5

mummy and daddy love you very much but didnt love each other (never say stopped or shell wonder when you'll stop loving her) we find it easier to be friends when we're not together. daddy thinks about you all the time and is sad he cant be here but he lives somewhere else now and its too far away. you can talk about daddy though if it makes her feel better (then dont lie or tell her the nasty things, just the good bits and stick to the truth)

if you tell her ths now she should accept it (i did when i was told i was adopted) and when she's old enough to ask more she'll be old enough to understand

Answer 6

Although honesty is the best policy it is never a good idea to let a 5 year old think that he or she is the spawn of Satan. You can sugar coat it and remain honest. " Mommy loved daddy so much but mommy and daddy could not get along so we had to say goodbye to each other, but I still love your daddy for giving me you" or something along that line. As your child gets older then you can start being more honest. If ever she ask a question directly, answer it, never lie!

Answer 7

When people ask my daughter that question, she tells them the state he lives in. Because that's where he is.

She knows that we both love her, and that we could not be a family so we decided that I would get to raise her. She doesn't know all the details, and she knows she has a dad. Just like she knows her dad's dad is her grandpa, even though we'll never meet him as long as I'm alive. Your daughter DOES have a dad - just not in her life. I think that's a good enough explanation for a 5 year old, as that worked with my daughter. Good luck...

Answer 8

Be very careful of saying anything negative about your ex, my parents constantly bad mouthed my ex in front of my son and one day he asked me "if I am half you and half my dad does that mean I'm really horrible and bad too?" My son had never met his father.

I always told my son that his dad loved him too and lived a long way away (not true!!) and that we just decided that we would be happier if we didn't live together (I was living in a women's refuge when my son was born!)

Just tell your daughter the basics, you couldn't get along and so you split up - but that means he doesn't love her too. And don't forget if her father ever turns up she will think he is wonderful to start off with and everything you have said about him will be in her mind! Eventually she will learn the truth about him on her own and you will come out as the good one!!

My sons father turned up when he was 11 saying he had changed and that he really wanted to know his son (he has since had 2 more failed marriages and has 2 daughters!) I let my son make up his own mind and to start off with he was over the moon to be going out to dinner with his dad - but shortly afterwards my son told me that "grandma and granpa were right - he is horrible" and my son wants nothing more to do with him!!

Answer 9

i'm 40 3, and issues I rather have been advised, and discovered at age 4 and a 0.5 nonetheless handbook me in my daily existence. maybe, you will be able to desire to return sparkling with the mum as she is maximum rather in daily soreness and affliction over the inability of her infant. seem at those circumstances that handed off interior the previous as a mode that helped formed you to who you at the instant are. seek the mum out no be counted if that's permissible, and confess to her and allow her meet her daughter. seek for God out and pray that he will have His hand in this company as He already is conscious. purely maybe, the mothers forgiveness will safeguard you from any legalities, because of the fact the regulation forgives after seven years of any crime settle for homicide that's punishable no be counted how a lot time is going by making use of. Your daughter may well be yearning for her mom and can experience that she could be alive, so rather get her in touch if and once you do meet her mom. As in telling her, the certainty you could tell her that her mom is alive and correctly, and sooner or later you will meet her. you could make sure what to tell her then with the mothers approval. good success RD

Answer 10

I agree to not bad-mouth the father, no matter how bad he really was. I also agree to tell her that he loved her, and maybe that's a lie but I would tell her that. You could say that not everyone is meant to be a full time daddy. Surely she has at least one other friend who's parents are separated that she can somewhat relate to.