My husband and I received an invitation to our daughter's (his biological, my step daughter) 9th birthday party from my husband's sister. She never even called us and asked if we were doing something or if we minded her hosting a party. His sister made arrangements to spend the day with our daughter during her bio mom's weekend as to secure the time with our daughter without us knowing. Is it appropriate and how would you reply?
2007-10-18 09:42:35 · 12 answers · asked by Mom of 4 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
No, that is inappropriate. She should have discussed this with you and your husband.
2007-10-18 09:45:24 · answer #1 · answered by Lauren B 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is tricky, since it appears that the child's mother agreed.
It seems to me that the aunt was trying to do a nice thing. While divorce is just a fact of life, it can make arrangements for birthdays, graduations and weddings a little more complicated. If the aunt thought she could sidestep some awkwardness by playing host, her heart was in the right place.
It does seem like your daughter's mother ought to have mentioned the party plans. She probably didn't need your permission, but it would have been thoughtful. (It must be a bit of a stunner to get an invi to your child's b-day celebration!)
But, on balance, I'd go. It sounds like you're all trying to make the best choices for a child you love very much, and it would probably mean a lot for her to have everyone together. You can mention to her mom that it was a surprise to get the invitation, and give her a chance to apologize. Maybe it really did just slip her mind?
If I'm misreading the situation, and there's more tension than your message implies, it might be better to sit down with your daughter and explain that you're celebrating separately.
2007-10-18 17:24:09 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My first response would be no, it's never appropriate for anyone to make any kind of plans with your child without your permission! However, you are in a different situation. Did your step-daughter's mom know this was going on? Maybe your husband's sister talked it over with her mom and they thought they were being polite by inviting you. She obviously made sure to not intrude on your time with your step-daughter. Did she do this 'secretly' or just by talking through the mom? You say she did it 'as to secure the time with your daughter', do you not allow your daughter time with her? If she didn't okay it with anyone, then definitely handle the situation appropriately and let her know you need to be asked first next time. However, when it's the step-daughter's mom's time with her, and she's okay with this, you really don't have a say in what goes on (unless it causes harm to the child obviously). That's one of the unfortunate side dishes of divorce. Hope your family can work this out!
2007-10-19 13:01:38 · answer #3 · answered by The A's 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your sister-in-law should have discussed the party with your husband before sending him an invitation.
If your husband believes that plans for the party are appropriate for his daughter, I suggest that both of you go to the party to be supportive of your step-daughter. If you have other plans for a birthday celebration for your step-daughter then go ahead and do it also.
If he does not feel that the plans for the party are appropriate, he needs to talk to his sister and daughter's mother about it.
Good luck. Step-parenting can be so hard.
2007-10-18 17:13:29 · answer #4 · answered by Kathy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends who has main custody and whose weekend the birthday falls on.The custodial parent should really be the one who should have been consulted.
If Bio mum has main custody and the party is arranged for the Bio mum's weekend and you have been invited then I dont see the problem. If it was arranged for one of your weekends or you have main custody then that is a different matter........
Just go and have a nice time. It is the little girls birthday and I am sure she would be very happy that all of her parents, both bio and step, were there.
2007-10-22 16:24:42 · answer #5 · answered by Lexy31 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow -- pretty nervy! On the other hand, since she is staying with the bio-mom, I suppose it could be argued that she DID discuss it with a parent -- just not both of them. Why on earth would the sister not discuss it with her brother?
There's a lot else going on here that we don't know about. I'd go to the party, just to see what all the fuss was about -- and because it was my daughter. You could really trip her up by being extraordinarily gracious and calling to ask what you can do to help . . . :-)
2007-10-18 16:49:56 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If it is the weekend that the child is with the other parent, then there is nothing wrong in what was done. Now if they had planned the party on a day they didn't have "Vistation" etc., then that would be out of line and inconsiderate. Be grateful that the child has loving parents that care, including you as the step parent. Don't get yourself out of sorts in this when it is the other parents allowed visit with the child & on their turf. There is nothing wrong in what have done.
2007-10-22 14:53:03 · answer #7 · answered by cnored9528 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Completely inappropriate. I get the feeling there is more to this, as a normal person in a healthy family relationship would not pull this cr*p, but if it were me, I'd have to let her know that we definitely had other plans, and she'd have to cancel this event.
That's just weird behavior. How does one go about writing an invitation to someone for their own minor child's party? Creepy...
2007-10-19 00:09:29 · answer #8 · answered by ~Biz~ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would be miffed at first, but it IS a party for your child from a family member who loves her and wants to spend her OWN money.
Of course you should go, but let your sis-in-law know ( and not at the party!!!!) that in the future she must consult you, husband and bio-mom of events regarding your daughter.
2007-10-18 17:04:01 · answer #9 · answered by marli 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like she did discuss it with the child's mother, who is, also one of the child's parents.
It's a little unusual, but I'm guessing that there are all kind of hurt feelings & past history that lead up to her decision to do it like that.
It's not on your weekend. You don't have to go. If you're not comfortable with this, just go ahead & do your own thing for her birthday, when she's with you.
2007-10-18 16:56:08 · answer #10 · answered by Maureen 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if it was me i would tell them you already had made birthday plans that exact same day to ask them nicely to ask ahead of time to be sure it'll work out! then be the nice one and say that they can go ahead and have the party. you'll save $ !
2007-10-18 16:48:48 · answer #11 · answered by blank 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋