Military wives vs. Military girlfriends. Is it me, or is there some animosity?

Question

I'm an army girlfriend & it’s been my experience that military girlfriends are not viewed very favorably, especially by military wives.

I personally have never dated anyone who is in the military before so I'm a little confused as to why that is :(

My boyfriend is in Iraq right now & I was looking for support from people who could relate to my situation. What I found where comments like "wives only", you’re only a "girlfriend" & some other snippy, unsympathetic remarks.

Your thoughts?

Answer 1

I am a former military wife/veteran (he has been out of the military for 4 months, I have been out for 2 years) and I know the answer to this... honestly... most military girlfriends dont turn into military wives... and when you are a military wife, you are as good as IN the military too. The wives are the support system behind the sences not getting near enough recognition. (I am not saying you arent by any means) but the younger troops from my experience change their girlfriends more than they change their underwear. At my base alot of the guys ended up with some doozies of girlfriends... one of my male friends had a fiance, got deployed, she took all his money (extra pay for being in war) and left before he got back. This is the rep military girlfriends get unfortunatly because it is very common. I am not saying you would do that to your boyfriend, but alot get their dear john letters while they are over in Iraq for a year or however long. When youre a wife, you have that piece of paper that is supposed to mean more than just a girlfriend. And the military is not just a job or a career, its a way of life and when you marry a military person, you have to take on that way of life. I dont think that a girlfriend is any different than a wife, we all needed support when our loved ones go over there. Its hard as hell! And another truthful answer about your question is alot of military spouses are just B*TCHES! Seriously! Your probably better off not getting their half-assed, "support" anyways. My hubby just got back from Afghanistan in May so if there is anything that I can help you with, if you just need to talk or ask questions or anything, email me or IM me anytime. I will support you! :) Thank you for your b/f's sacrifice and YOUR sacrifice! Let me know if there is anything I can help ya with, I've been there too....

Answer 2

Military wives lead a strange and often unappreciated role in history, being that they raise the children while praying the doorbell doesnt ring with that dreaded visitor.

They also have a somewhat poor public image, due to a percentage of the wives that are or were, gold diggers, or that have loose knickers that easily fall down around their ankles when the husband is gone. These women are a brassy section of the military wives and earn their reputation, while the honest and faithful wives dont deserve the rap the other women give them.

Keep in mind that the job of a military wife is pretty much a thankless job, with very little reward other than new orders to move to a new base. They can be...irritable at times but then again, consider what they have been dealt. Loving a man that may never come home again.

Its a tough job.

Answer 3

I think part of the reason may be that services are so limited, especially in some areas, that wives tend to be a bit nervous at the thought of having them spread any thinner. Also, it is drilled into our heads from the moment we marry our military man that so many things are "for dependents only" that we can have a knee jerk reaction at times as well. The truth is that any of be support groups sponsered by the military, on the bases will be for military dependents only. Family members of the military would be the primary focus of the support agencies and,in all honesty, are often effected far more by the long seperations. It is also a security issue...bases generally do not allow unaccompanied civilians on base. I do feel for you during your boyfriends deployment. I know many women in the same boat you are in. All I can recommend is to start a group on your own for girlfriends/boyfriends of deployed soldiers. If you live near the base there is sure to be others who would welcome it.

Answer 4

Part of it is the military mentality. They can only officially recognize the people who have taken the steps to make their relationship legal. Wives are more long term. They don't come and go as fast or as easily as girlfriends. And when they do end up going you have a definate stop date to the legal relationship.

Recognizing girlfriends is all up to the command of your boyfriend's unit. A lot are hesitant about dealing with girlfriends because...well, when they deploy a huge number of girls show up claiming to be dating the guys and wanting information and its almost impossible to tell if anyone is telling the truth. That's a bad situation to be in when dealing with classified information and it's easier just not to deal with it by banning all girlfriends.

Also, if meetings and events are held on base you need to have a dependent's ID card to get through the gate. Which means you have to be married or have a parent serving. That makes it impossible for GFs to get access.

One thing you can do is look at the online groups. There won't be as much movement information passed along; in fact most groups will kick you out for posting classified info. Because of that they seem a lot more tolerant of girlfriends and even parents of servicemembers.

And when you do find an FRG (Family Readiness Group) willing to work with fiances and girlfriends make sure you let them know how much that means to you. Make them aware that they need to keep that up.

Answer 5

I'm a military girlfiend my bf has been in Iraq 13 months. I know there are wives like that because I've seen the sites. Girlfriends do come and go but my boyfriend is in the Army in infantry, he said there is almost a 90% divorce rate in the infantry. So girlfriends come and go but so do marriages. Why my guess is because it is one of the hardest things to go through so u have to have a strong relationship to get through it, then again some women can't keep their pants on. I don't think girlfriends should be viewed any different, everybody going through the same day, missing their man and wanted him to make it home alive.

Answer 6

I'm a military wife and personally couldn't care less if your a girlfriend, fiancee or wife...its all pretty much the same.

That being said...there's A LOT of discrimition when it comes to this. Not all, but many wives look down on the girlfriends and fiancees because they're just not good enough or its just not the same to them as actually being married to a military man. Then there's the officers' wives who think the wives of enlisted men aren't as good as they are. Many wives wear they're husband's rank when they have no right to. I personally am in the military myself and am the same rank as he is (although I have more time in service), so its a little different for me...I don't get the disrespect of the officers' wives like other women do. It sucks, but its just the way it is.

Answer 7

That's pretty sad, but the military is a caste system.

There are general officers, field grade officers, company grade officers, warrant officers, senior and junior NCOs, and junior enlisted. I can see where it might rub off on civilian spouses.

Once you get that ID card, there's something of a feeling that you're "married to the military." You have to toe the line for fear that your sponsor's career will be harmed, etc. You have to pack up your family and move on little notice, or do without your spouse for a year or more whenever he's needed. If you dump a deployed husband, you're looked down upon (no matter how bad an SOB he might be). If you dump a deployed boyfriend, people are much more supportive.

I can see it from your end as well. Members of a group of people with no rank, who love their soldiers...refused to see common ground with you. That's pretty damned sad and catty.

MSgt, USAF (Ret)
Married to TSgt, USAF (Ret)

Answer 8

I'm so sorry that someone has acted like that to you! I have been the wife of a army soldier for 13years now and it upsets me so much that this would happen! There are so ladies that will be like that but I'm not. PLEASE don't think all army wives are like that because we are not! We are all going though the same thing there is no reason for any of us to turn on each other!

My husband is in Iraq too.. so if you ever want to talk I'm here!

Answer 9

I've been a Marine wife for over 8 years and I must say I have no animosity towards military girlfriends. Alot of my military wife friends were military girlfriends when we met and became friends.

Answer 10

I suppose there is some arrogance that they have their military man for life (50% of the time) and that you may just be temporary. It sounds totally ridiculous. But some women just want to be "army wives" and act like they walk on water.

My dad is Iraq with the National Guard and my mom has found support in our family and not really with any of the other wives. You just got to keep in contact with your soldier and support him. Find support in your own family and friends and let those women cry themselves to sleep when they realize their arrogance is a shield for their own insecurities.