Why does my daughter not get over her teen issues with us?

Question

When she was 15, she went through a difficult phase, got rebellious, messed up, joined bad crowds. She disobeyed, lied. sometimes was mean to us and to her lil sister. We had to give her a severe punishment. She apologized, but we sttuck with her punishment anyway. What made her really devastated is we told her we couldn't trust her, though she apologized and begged for our trust, and it took us some months to trust her again. This broke her spirit. Today, at 24,still single, a brilliant professional, great young woman, graduated in Chemistry, she hasn't changed her mind and still thinks we were cruel, didn't act as loving parents and no parent should ever say to their kids what we said to her. She decided to write us off her life, says we bring her sad and painful memories and she'd rather forget about her life w/ us. Actually, the last time we talked, a year ago, it was terrible. For 10 years we've been devastated, but she's an adult and I don't see any chance of reconciliation

Answer 1

Well, just out curiosity, what was this severe punishment you speak of?

Answer 2

I am so sorry for you! You will always be her parents no matter what she does or says. If you have any communication with her like sending her a birthday card always put in a little memory of a good time she had as a child. Try not to get into any discussions of the problem years as she has apologized and it is in the past. Always tell her you love her and are proud of her! You won't convince her any time soon that you were right about what happened in the past. Always remember that kids don't come with an instruction book and every parent makes mistakes. Take it one day or one communication at a time with her!

Answer 3

Oh my gosh! I cannot tell you what you should do, but I will tell you what I wound do if it were my daughter. I certainly would not let a year go by without talking to her and telling her how much I love her. I would crawl back into her life any way I could. I would call her on the phone, I would write her letters, I would send her gifts and arrange visits and fun things to do with her. I would use each opportunity to tell her that the past is the past and that I love her deeply and hope she can eventually forgive me.
As far as her teen behavior and your punishment, let me say, you did the right thing! You all are losing out, and I am sorry for you. Some hurts just fester and grow out of all reasonable porportions. It seems that this is what happened with her. Good luck to you all!

Answer 4

I know this might be really counterproductive, but I feel compelled to say that I feel much the same too. I hate my parents to this day too and will never forgive them. For all the years of repressment, all the years of physical and mental abuse, their lack of common sense and reason, lack of trust, patronizing, delusional "fears", their useless philosophies and ideologies, their negligence and misunderstandings, their mistakes that they'll never regret or own up to it because they don't have a conscience but only an empty heart... They do care, just in the counterproductive way that can only create anger and hatred. What was the punishment that was so severe? She was rebellious and mean, disobeyed and lied-alot of teenagers are like that. As far as joining bad crowds, was she destructive to herself or others around her that merits action and punishment? The punishment is always said to must fit whatever she did wrong to deserve it no matter what age the child. When she apologized to you, that was her reconcilment. You didn't reconcile by going through with the whatever punishment that was so severe, she knew her fault and apologized whereas you didn't and made matters worse. To her it was a betrayal of not only trust, but love. What you should've done is drop it all and explain why you were so angry she's behaving this way, then move on with happier prospects. Whatever the punishment was, it must've been severe enough to scar her emotionally(like said). Though we don't know your and her life history, I would say she has a point about that "no parent should ever say to their kids what we said to her". Don't say things you'll regret later on or betrays the love of a loved one. Disagree without being disagreeable and all that... My parents called me useless and a savage more than one occasion, sometimes for no reason but to put on a show. You were right to put a stop to her dangerous behaviors, but it was not right to do it in a way that hurts the heart. Trust is important to any relationship, and her trust was betrayed. She trusted in you enough to admit her wrongdoings, but you didn't put it behind you and move on. If she's unwilling to talk with you at all in whatever way you tried, then I suppose the only thing you can do like others said is to show you still care and love her by sending her cards and gifts for the holidays. In time her conscience may get to her to the point she feels guilty and lonely. That the hatred hurts everyone. If you can all sit down, you can amend all your faults and hope you and she can accept each other again-this time with trust and love. She's a very headstrong woman. A respectable aspect... If you were good and loving parents from the start(which mine weren't), I don't see why she would hate you for so long just because you punished her once. Unless the punishment was really out of bounds or opposite the former. I sound like a hypocrite, but there's no hope for my parents. They won't even apologize once in their lives because they still think what they did is right, so I could care less...

Answer 5

Exactly - you didn't mention what the punishment was, or what you said to her. You did say that YOU have been devastated for 10 years.

It sounds like she is living a good and happy life - that she is successful. Isn't that what parents want for their kids?

you could always write to Dr. Phil .

Answer 6

You need to appeal to her as an adult. Some children never get over hurt and hold it against the parents as a means of feeling some sort of control over their lives. I was a sexually and physically abused child and did not speak to my father for 15 years. I then was able to relate to him as an adult and not as his child. I have never discussed any of my childhood with him. I will not subject my self to his denial. Ask her to start a relationship with just you first. Vow not to speak of the past and never deny any of her feelings. As parents we are always looking to defend our actions as parents and sometimes we just dont see it the way our child saw the behavior. Time heals all and if you keep trying and stay calm and not be defensive. Let her know you will try again if you are denied access. Someday she will come round and you can resume a relationship. Good luck

Answer 7

Your daughter feels guilty for what she did as a teenager and is trying to place that guilt on you. I have a daughter who did the same thing but I refused to accept the responsibility.

Just bide your time and watch the situation. Your daughter may yet have to go through some painful times to bring her to her senses but the day will come when she will come back to you. Telling her you couldn't trust her is not enough to justify what she is doing now, and she already knows that. She is dealing with far greater psychological issues.

Answer 8

Well I won't defend you guys till I know how you punished her? Did you make her leave a bf, send her to boarding school? Anyways give a few more details and perhaps we can come up with a better of understanding what went on.

Answer 9

She's still only 24.
If she's as successful as you say, you can take
satisfaction in that.
Maybe she'll understand when she has a
kid of her own.
You don't say though, what the "severe punishment'
was that "broke her spirit".
(One should generally avoid going quite that far
with a kid).
Maybe a qualified apology is in order.
"It may have hurt, but look how well you turned out".

Answer 10

I am a 39 year old woman....and they way my mother "punished" me as a teenager has a huge bearing on our relationship today. It stinks. My mother wasn't into beatings, but rather mental cruelty. I was just a normal teenager.....didn't do a tenth of what other kids did....but if you hear her talk, she makes me out to be Lizzie Borden. I have purposely raised my children in a complete and total opposite way from the way she raised me....and I am happy to say they all talk to me, respect me and genuinely seek out time with me. The same can't be said for my mother....who will die a lonely, bitter woman.

Answer 11

Talk to her, or at least try to. I think that you didn' t have to give her a SEVERE punishment, just the sort where you let her know what she did was wrong. I think you had to accept the apology, but what is done is done.
Really, try to talk to her and make it clear thet you love her no matter what.
Good luck