Family Issues PLEASE HELP ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Question

I told my mom that I can’t keep paying all the rent and the late charges. I told her I can pay $650 a month (which is MORE THAN HALF) & that’s it because I can’t keep giving 95% of my salary to rent and not pay my own personal bills & take care of myself. She didn’t respond (this was over im) so I called her & she would not pick up the phone. She was like the issue w/ her & my sister’s dad is none of my business (but yet she is telling me that he is going to buy a new Ford F250), I’m like if he has money for that, then he has money to give you more child support (he makes of 200k a yr). So in essence she was telling me to mind my business, that the situation w/ her & my sister’s dad is none of my business. She also said that until last year she was paying the majority of the bills. I said that’s true but still 95% of what I made was going to those bills so for me, I don’t see me getting a break. No my mom is not on drugs or alcohol. I make after taxes a little over $1400 a month & 1300 of it is going to rent & feeding her & my sis. I barely have enough for transit to work & school, and I owe the school like $350 and if I don’t pay they wont let me register for Jan classes. What should I do? Am I right to pay only $650 or should I just keep giving her my entire salary?

No my sis is a minor.
My sis my mom & myself live together

My sister's dad is in WI

I can't move out the lease is in my name.

Answer 1

This might seem harsh, but here goes....

This is, of course, just my opinion. Others may disagree.

You should put yourself first, even if you view your situation from an altruistic perspective. Think of it this way- There's no way that you can help your loved ones the way that you'd like to if you allow yourself to be in a situation that leaves you impoverished.

I think you are right to tell your mother that you can only pay x-amount of money for rent and so forth. After all, you are on a certain budget. And, if you were to live on your own, you would choose a place that suits that budget. So it makes every bit of sense that you would explain to your mom that "this" is your budget and "that" is all you can pay. And, given the circumstances, it appears that (while maybe not intentionally) she expects you to carry the load for everyone who isn't "footing" their share of the expenses- which is even more reason for you to lay down the law, so to speak.

What REALLY concerns me about your situation is that you're still in school- meaning that you are still working towards your goals, trying to establish stability and a career, and moving toward the place that will define your life (or at least a big part of it). You can't afford to shoulder unnecessary responsibilities that will prevent you from this. Doing so could mean the difference between owning a business or working for a business as a minimum wage employee. Please don't let anyone place you in either position regardless of how much you love him/her. YOU make the decision.

I am definitely NOT encouraging you to disrespect your family (and certainly not your mother). But my opinion is that we can't fully respect anyone else without fully respecting ourselves. Love and respect, in my opinion, comes from within and can't be shared with others until we first apply it to ourselves. Put your foot down. You can't allow yourself to be sucked into remaining in a slump for the sake of supporting people who will allow you to do so (even if they are family). The slump may very well be permanent if you do so.

I have some idea of where you're coming from. We (me and my husband) encountered hard times some years back and lived with family for a short time. The amount of money they required of us was, well, completely unreasonable. What's more, they scrutinized everything we did if our activities involved spending money.... "What did you do, and how much money did it cost?" "If you could spend $__ on __ then why can't you give us $__?" "How dare you spend $__ when we need __ that costs $__?" The questions and pestering were seemingly endless. It got so bad that we left before we were ready. But "jumping out there" was easier than trying to tolerate that crap. I truly believe that it would have taken even longer for us to get on our feet had we remained with family as opposed to what we did (leaving and living in a motel until we found an apartment).

Do what's best for you. There comes a time in each of our lives when even the most unselfish of us have to think about ourselves.

I wish you the best. You'll be in my thoughts. ☺

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This is an EDIT due to your giving the following additional details: "No my sis is a minor." "My sis my mom & myself live together" "My sister's dad is in WI" And "I can't move out the lease is in my name."-

The fact that your sister is a minor- This means that your situation is completely different from what I initially thought. Since you provide most of your income to your mother and sister, you are your sister's primary caregiver. This entitles YOU to the child support that your sister's father is (or should be) providing according to the law. Contact your state's department of child support enforcement. Be prepared to offer some kind of proof. They will most likely require that you show them something which strongly indicates that you are the primary provider of the minor child. If, by chance, you don't have any proof, please don't let that discourage you. Establish dialogue with them (child support enforcement). They may be able to help you in some manner.

I should have said this in my above response and apologize for not pointing this out, but here goes- You should check with the IRS about tax breaks for being the primary caregiver for your sister and your mother. I'm in no way a tax expert, but you should be able to get SOMETHING.

On another note- I noticed that someone mentioned United Way. Scratch that. I'm not criticizing; so, fellow Y!A user, please don't take offense.... But United Way only assists other charitable organizations. If you call them, they will tell you the same and suggest that you call other orgs such as, for example, the Salvation Army. But PLEASE DON'T LET THAT DISCOURAGE YOU. Take the advice of the other user and seek help from various orgs.

As far as your sister's dad living in WI- First things first, try to get the child support order amended to include you as the primary provider. Secondly, assuming that you're not in the same state as the father, request that child support enforcement petition the court to have the case transferred to the state and locality in which the father resides. This may or may not be a convenience to you, I don't know, but it will help in more ways than I have space to explain.

Do NOT think that you can't move simply because the lease is in your name. Your future is more important than the present. Poo poo on your credit is the worst that can happen, which is heaven on earth compared to you sacrificing your life to support people who may be willing to allow you to throw away your future. I'm not, in any way, claiming that having a poor credit report is a good thing.... I'm simply telling you to weigh the positives and negatives. You can repair your credit, but other things may not be repairable. What I'm saying is that, if it comes down to your thinking that you need to get out then, by all means, get out and don't worry so much about your credit.

Please take care of yourself. You can leave. I realize you may feel an obligation to your mom and baby sis. That's ok... But, as I said before, you can't provide for them in the same way that you could if you were to ensure that you're where you want and need to be in life. And, again, you're free to move. If you're hung up on the idea of bad credit then think of it this way- If you allow yourself to remain impoverished, you will have TOTAL CRAP for credit. You mentioned that you owe your school. That'll go on your credit if you don't pay it. Everything you fail to pay will go on your credit- And, given that you only have $100 left after footing it all for your peeps, it won't take long at all for your credit to suck a whole lot of hard damned candies. Believe me- You can repair one little lease agreement boo boo in very little time compared to the many, many years that it would take you to repair a gazillion poops on your record. And a gazillion poops on your record is exactly what you'll probably end up with if you choose to remain in poverty.

Help yourself. Make yourself your number one priority.



EDIT: As someone politely reminded me earlier, child support laws vary from state to state. So don't rely 100% upon what I said concerning child support. But do contact child support enforcement regardless and inquire about your rights in the state where you live.

Answer 2

We may not be able to change your mom (or anyone else for that matter). However, we may start to change you.

Learn to set your priorities - then you will be able to set your boundaries. Learn when to say no and when to stop.

Remember that you have a choice always. Saying no does not mean you love them or respect them any less. It is good to acknowledge them and be grateful to them (your parents).

However, there is greater harm than good in letting this situation continue and your resentment or sense of unfairness with the whole deal just growing and simmering beneath. Bitterness may set in and with it a host of many ills.

Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Give what you can only, willingly and freely.

We can not change our circumstances but we can resolve to change the way we sink or triumph over them. Choose to overcome and not be swallowed up.

Be strong. Do everything in love and not in anger.

Love is not earned, you know...it is freely given.

Answer 3

well if ur mom said its none of your business than stop making her problems ur business. shes a grown adult who can be responsible for her own actions. stop letting her lean on u and make u feel guilty about the things u do to help. u sound just like my bf, nothing is ever good enough for what he does for his mother, she feels self entitled. when in reality she has had 30 + yrs to get her self together. stop paying ur moms bills and take care of yourself.

Answer 4

Whew! THis is tough! Have u tried explaining things to your mom? in a very gentle way? Old folks seem to be very sensitive and insecure. So u have to be very gentle. REmember she was gentle with u when u were stil an infant, a toddler, a pre schooler???

Just give a little love and it all comes back to you. God bless.

Answer 5

I think your doing the right thing you can't not take care of your responsiblities. And you have to further your education.

Answer 6

UPDATE: Concerning the United Way: Many United Ways have a service called "community resource referral." You can call them, and they can refer you to an agency in your area who can help you with your problem. Since I don't know where you live, this is the best advice I can give to direct you to helpful resources. You can call them and ask if they can refer you to an agency for ... (and state your problem). Even if they can't help you directly, they can direct you to someplace that can.

Given the new information you've provided, I'd do the following: Tell your mom that if she doesn't pay the rent, you will have to take other steps to make sure it's paid. Explain to her that not paying her minor daughter's rent is neglect, and illegal. Then I would do the following: 1. Contact child protective services and explain that you are sole support for your minor sister, even though your mother is living with you, and even though it is possible that child support is being paid. 2. Contact your local child-support enforcement office. Explain to them that you are sole support for your minor sister, and that you believe she is either not receiving child support that is being paid to your mother, or the child's father is not paying it. Explain that you are unable to pay the bills and that it has become a crisis. 3. Contact the United Way or another local charitable org'n. and explain the problem, and ask if there's any help they can provide with rent, for instance.
Question: If you live with your mother and sister, why are you IMing and calling her?

Your question is kind of confusing, as there are details missing. It sounds like your mother--and your sister's father--would rather rely on your limited income to pay the essential bills so they can spend their money on themselves. And, maybe you and your sister are sharing a place, and your mother (and your sister's father) are living elsewhere, and are not paying your sister's share of the bills.

I also don't know how old you and your sister are, or what your sister's circumstances are, all of which would be good to know. It's important that you make your story clear and provide the essential details, so that when you do go for help, you don't annoy, confuse or exhaust those people who might be able to help you. Add these clarifying details to your question and people might be able to help you more.

It sounds like your parents just don't care enough to help. Sometimes this is the hardest thing for us to accept, that our parents just don't care. And we spend a lot of time and energy trying to get them to care, when they just don't. It also sounds like your mother knows that you're trapped in this situation, and if she doesn't help, there's little you can do but suck it up and pay. This kind of not caring behavior goes with being a current or ex-alcoholic or drug abuser, or just being incredibly selfish.

I have been in circumstances similar to yours. And the only way to deal with dangerous, evil people like this, is to protect yourself first, and stop playing nice. It's hard for me to give specific advice, because I don't know all the circumstances. But here are some suggestions:

If you are living with your mother and sister, just stop paying more than your share. Save the rest, because probably within a few months, you're going to have to move out. If you are living with your sister and she's a minor, call child protective services and explain your situation. They might be able to help you with welfare, and/or to require that your sister's father pay his share of support (child support enforcement works pretty well these days). If your sister is disabled and unable to support herself, call adult protective services in your area.

These financial considerations are your business, because you're paying the bills. Your mother is merely pulling rank, and since she has some control, she can do this. You're going to have to pull back. Remember that your mother is obviously not rational, and she doesn't care about you. So you will have to make decisions in your own best interest. You may have to change your plans for awhile (such as stop going to school) so you can afford another place to live. Personally, I think I'd make finding another place to live a priority here, no matter what the other circumstances are.

If your sister is a minor, and she is not being supported by her parents (shelter, food and clothing and medical care), you have an obligation to call the authorities. But you can give your mother one last chance, by calling her and explaining that if you don't have her financial support, you will have to make other decisions, and you think it's in her best interest to help right away. Do not tell her what you plan to do, except in a vague way--just tell her that you will seek outside help. Tell her that you aren't bluffing.

If you and your sister are majority age, and your mother has simply decided she's tired of paying the bills, then legally, you don't have any clout in this situation. You will have to accept that you must support yourself, and you should start making plans to do so, and you should tell your sister that you will not be paying her bills any longer.

Don't expect to get through this by playing nice--you've already tried that. Do expect that some of these people aren't going to like you anymore when you stop playing by their rules. But you have to learn to protect yourself from evil people, even if they are in your immediate family. Make some clear decisions about how YOU can take care of YOURSELF over the long haul, without factoring in other people's/your mother's help, and get moving.

The following advice is for anybody who is in a situation with somebody--a partner, spouse or parent--who is taking advantage of you financially or in other ways: START SAVING MONEY IMMEDIATELY. Start socking away some money. You're going to need it to get out on your own, and it is simply a matter of when, not if, you will have to do this.