My dad was phsically and mentally abusive to my mom and sister. My parents are now divorced and both my brother and sister aren't speaking to him. Today my dad told me he would like me to live with my mother so he can have a normal dating life (I have been supportive because his girlfriends often replace his attention on me). At one point we got into an arguement that left me with bruises and my mom got DSS involved. He also continually says things that are abusive. When asked if he would die for me (stupid question, I know) he replied Well.... It depends.... He also says that I'm a liar when I tell him I'm depressed. Since he kicked me out I've been feeling guilty for not being approving of his dating and i just want to have a "normal" relationship. That may not be realistic so I would really like some ways to stay strong because he will come back to me like he always does and I usually give in.
2007-10-17 15:25:08 · 6 answers · asked by Emily 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
There is something called an "institutional man" (see the Shaw-shank Redemption DVD). The reality of the situation is that when people are being abused or prisoners of a situation, they become so used to the abusive and prisoner-like situations that they start associating it with love and safety, so much that they feel unsafe outside of the abusive environment.
You desperately want his approval, and proof of his love, like any sweet daughter deserves. He seems quite selfish and narcissistic. He can't have a normal realtionship when he will treat the person the same way he treats you. It is ironic that you are protective of his dating life. He must have you desparately hungering for his approval is that the case.
If you stayed after DSS gave you an opportunity to leave, and after your siblings deserted quickly, in self preservation, it is extremely concerning how desensitized to the abuse you are. Of course you are depressed, you are living in a partially self imposed hades!
You dad is gifted in manipulation and you have to see it for when it is. My "spidey sense" tells me there are more abusive behaviors going on than you are comfortable admitting to yourself and others. Please, open your heart and head and lift it from the fog that this abuse has left you in. Your life was not meant to be this painful and confusing.
Insanity, in my definition, is doing the same failing action over and over again and expecting different results. You are trapped by this insane situation, and like a puppy that begs for scraps, you keep hoping he will change. You are a beautiful person that deseves much more than this existance.
If you don't get out NOW, and even if you do, you are looking at a life time of relationships like this. Boyfriends, husbands, and watching your children live the same hades you are.... Do you really want to subject them to this? To feel the same pain and unsureness? You need to be your own protector... of your own future.
Go to your Moms, or find a friend that has a healthy, loving family and see if you can live there. Get counseling, journal everything you remember, and be ready to start healing. Open a dialog with your siblings - and have them help you. By comparing memories, you can stay stronger.
You need to tell him that if he comes back again that you will turn him into the authorities and get a restraining order. (And be ready to do it... I know you are not ready to do this yet... but make sure he knows you mean business).
Leave - this is a gift in disguise! Don't look back. Gather friends that have seen the abuse and the bruises, and have them ready to talk to the authorities. And that you really want out - once and for all!
Mostly in domestic violence situations, it takes battered wives an average of 7 times leaving in order to stay gone. Each time the violence gets more severe. Each time they die a little more inside.
I have counseled many and it is painful to see them subject themselves to maltreatment and misery time after time. It is a helpless feeling to see beautiful people allowing themselves to die a little more each day.
You deserve an amazing life. Be loyal to yourself, and GET OUT. Would you tell your best friend, or a sweet, innocent 3 year old to allow themselves to be in an abusive home, living in chaos? There is hope for you. It starts today. It starts this instant... if you let it...
My prayers are with you.... Fight for your happiness.
2007-10-17 16:14:32 · answer #1 · answered by feliciathefierce 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry hon.Sounds like he is selfish and self centered, but then again he gets lonely for adult female companionship.He could be a lot better about it.
The answer he gave to your question could have meant if it was to save your life when you are innocent , I am sure he would.If it was because you did something evil and was facing the death penalty, that might be a different story, then he may have just been joking.
Get in church and realize, JESUS loves you no matter what regardless of whether anyone else does or not, and HE will ALWAYS be there for you and HE DID die for you!
2007-10-17 22:32:22 · answer #2 · answered by Joe F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I do agree with the first 2 answers here, you need time away from Daddy so he can get on the right track with his life. He is still fighting with his ex wife thru you.....This relationship with you and your father is not normal. You are right this is not realistic for you and him to be fighting like this. You feel sorry for him, and you are too young to take on that responsibility, you aren't going to fix this. Go back with Mom and just let Dad visit with you and your siblings. That will be easier for him right now, and in time he will be able to come around. He seems to still be hurting....that takes a long time to heal....
2007-10-17 22:38:44 · answer #3 · answered by Toffy 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your father, as heartless as I may sound, is selfish. To put his personal life ahead of his own family is ridiculous. Move on, stay with people who care about you, and get some therapy. You may think you don't need it, but abusive parents leave emotional scares. Talking to someone about it will really help you out. Don't let it get you down, do things that make you happy. Get away from the bad situation, and start focusing on your own life. Do NOT go back to him. Stand strong.
2007-10-17 22:33:42 · answer #4 · answered by mathias 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Why are you living with your father? You are alluding to a sexual relationship with him, surely you know that's wrong. Pack up your stuff and move back to your mother and have her get you some counseling. Something is screwed up in there.
2007-10-17 22:29:44 · answer #5 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
BASTARD!!! SEVERE ALL TIES WITH HIM.
2007-10-17 22:34:21 · answer #6 · answered by verylazy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋