My boyfriend wants my daughter and I in his life...wants us to be a family...some questions...?

Question

He wants to be a family, wants to be the father figure for my 13 month old daughter...but he also wants to spend time at his friends house, drinking, smoking weed, and having "guy time" I understand this, but I don't know how to explain that if we are a family, and he is "in this" then as a parent, the "guy time" can't happen as often, am I wrong in feeling this way? I also think he should help more with the bad stuff; diapers, baths, meals, daycare drop off and pick-up etc... He just wants to discipline and tell me what I do wrong, how can I explain that you have to take the good with the bad? If we are going to be a family this too has to balance out...right?

Answer 1

first, how can he be a father figure if hes drinking and smoking weed with his guys all the time?

second, what kind of father figure tells YOU what to do?

third, it sounds like he wants someone to take care of him so he can pretend hes living a grown-up life, without actually doing anything grown-up-like

fourth, you can find a real man who will love, respect, and take care of you and your daughter and not drink or smoke pot!! =)

best of luck, i know how hard it is to let go of a relationship, but the more time you waste with this guy the more you'll regret it later!

Answer 2

No...and yes. He's entitled to his "guy" time, as much as you are entitled to your "girl" time. You cannot shoulder 100% of the child care responsibilities, nor can he shoulder 100% of the earning responsibilities. A marriage is the ultimate team, and a team doesn't win when there's fighting within.

I have another issue with the weed smoking. You don't want that around your child--period. Take it from a parent of teenagers. Your child will come into enough contact with that stuff at school, even if you live in an upper middle class neighborhood in a good suburb. You certainly don't want the child exposed to it at home. Even if dad only smokes it with "the guys" eventually kids figure stuff like that out, and if it's ok for dad to do it, then............ Need I say more about that? Didn't think so.

You and he need to work out a compromise here. Figure out what an acceptable amount of time spending with other friends is, for each of you. When you're doing things with your friends, then he gets to stay home with the children, and vice versa. Possibly even consider some couples counseling here. You've been doing this parenting thing solo for the past year, you're going to have to both make an adjustment to doing it as a team. You and your child will be better off in the long run for doing this, so good luck!

Answer 3

He wants the best of worlds as most guys. What he is offering might sound great to you, but he's not ready to grow up and he really doesn't know what he is getting into. If he isn't taking responsibilty now he's not going to later because all of the sudden you officially make him "part of the family". Also remember, even though I have always loved smoking weed, I stopped 2 years before getting pregnant, and won't again until they are adults. It's not safe to be stoned when you have kids, and you could have them taken away, weed is still considered an illegal substance.
He should be thinking of having more mature friends, where you guys can go hang out with them, having BBQs and such, fun activities with friends that the whole family can attend. He's just not ready, as much as he may love you and your daughter.

Answer 4

Sounds to me like he is alittle too immature to be a father figure right now. I don't know if your child's dad is apart of her life but he is her father and don't let anyone come into your life and try to take his place. It is also not his job to just disipline your child....if he wants to have the responsibility he needs to be responsible all the way not just on one thing. Also, if he is already telling you what you are doing wrong and he's just a boyfriend it's only going to get worse when you live together.

I met and married a guy and he would go around telling everyone my daughter was his, he also disiplined her and put me down. Eventually he abused my child...I dunno what made him do this maybe he was on drugs as some people say but maybe its like statistics show and the only reason he got in the relationship to begin with was to get at my daughter....its sad what lengths a pedophile will go through to have the opportunity to get close to a child and these guys have a field day on the single mother because we are alone and have already been hurt. They come into your life telling you things you want to hear and are so great with your kids in the beginning....which is what every single mother wants.....someone who will love and accept our children. Please be careful, your child is your very first priority and if this guy is just immature think about this...do you want to be raising two kids instead of one? That's what will happen if he is still wanting to "hang with the guys"...etc.... Good luck!

Answer 5

You are absolutely right. A family isn't something that you get to put up on a shelf, only to dust off & admire it when you feel you have the time.

I am a strong supporter of parents getting the occasional break for "Me" time away from the kids & all.
So where is YOUR "me" time in his plan?

I am afraid that you came along too late in your boyfriends life to be able to "explain" to him what you already know so that he truly understands and appreciates it.
I suspect that his belief system (just like yours) comes from the example set by his parents. The role he sees himself in with you, & the family he wants to have with you is the same role he saw his father take when he was growing up.

I suggest that instead of you explaining things to him, you try to do some LISTENING. He's telling you about your future together, and the role he plans to take on as the so-called head of the household.
I think that what you want in a husband and a father is perfectly reasonable.
What is totally unreasonable, is that you expect that of your boyfriend. Sorry, but he probably can't deliver on the standard that you set for your children.

To his credit he's being honest with you.
Now can you be honest with yourself?

Answer 6

This fellow needs to grow up. You need to tell him that he choses either one lifestyle or the other. You can't have both, especially with a little baby invovled. And I worry about the kind of discipline he is giving to a 13 month old baby. Especially if he is under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Please don't leave this child unsupervised with him, you'd never expect it to happen to you, but it does happen. IF you are going to be a family, then he has to act like a family man, and real men don't behave this way. And as for telling you that you're wrong, you're the mother, you know best. Don't let loneliness make you make a really bad decision about keeeping this fellow in your and your daughters life. What kind of a father figure carries on like that? Please be careful, and protect yourself, your spirit, and your daughter. How do I know all this? I was in the exact same situation. I was frightened of being alone with my baby, but I took a chance, got rid of the fellow, and not long after, met the most caring, giving man that looks after us properly. He is not looking after you like this. You sound like a smart girl, make some smart choices.

Answer 7

This is a good question and is something many people might found as a very similar situation. I would say not to imply anything always be protective over your kids if his only comcern with being a father is discipline and pointing out your fault it might be more about the control and less about the father figure role. If he is indeed a good man I would say explain to him your discomfort with his guys nights out and if he really loves you and your daughter and really want to be a father then it shouldnt be a problem with changing these very small events for the bigger picture

Answer 8

Ok, here's the big question. Would you be happy living like this. Pretty much he's doing whatever the hell he wants to do while you are home with the baby. Yes he should be helping out a lot more. Let me tell you... You can not change them. Even if he decides to change, he will eventually get tired and move on. I got married to a guy that sounds exactly like him. We ended up getting divorced because he became abusive. The way he acts now is the way he's going to act married or "together"... remember that. It doesn't sound like he's going to be a good influence on your daughter. Think about her as well.

Answer 9

He sounds immature. Most likely he hasn't turned 30 yet. Most men in general don't start maturing and thinking seriously about family values until they are in their late 20's (28 is the average age for men). Let him know you would like for him to enjoy his youth, and later on when he can prove responsibility as a father figure you can reconsider it. If you push him into an ultimadum he will resent you down the line for forcing him to choose between his friends and partying so that he can play dad to a baby girl that isn't his biologically. It can turn out really badly for you and your daughter as well. if she grows up around this guy and knows him as her father figure, and later on (lets say 2 years later) he decides he doesn't want to play dad anymore to your daughter and he finds someone else, or accidentally gets someone else pregnant at one of those parties he's at drinking and smoking weed at.

Also, what if the police came to your place due to something he did wrong, and he had marijuana on him. The baby would be placed in protective custody because you would be seen as an unfit mother due to the simple fact that you allowed a man into her life knowing of his addictions/habits.

You're better off without him, until he straightens up his lifestyle.

Answer 10

What kind of example will this set for your kid ,her "father" drinking and doing drugs?What kind of people will be in and out of your house?
What if he gets busted at home and you are living together?
You go to jail and your kid goes to CPS.
Dump this guy and find a man who doesnt do these things.No man is better than a druggie any day.
Does he work?How many jobs has he had in the last 2 years?
Does he have his own place, car etc?
You REALLY REALLY need to step back and ask yourself,"if my DAUGHTER were dating this guy, would I want her to marry him?"
If the answer is no for your daughter it should be no for you regardless of your feelings.Use your head not your heart to make this decision,You will be happier in the long run.