what would you do? breaking an engagement?

Question

my boyfriend and i have broken off our engagement...well he did...we have had alot of minor problems and i think he is scared..well i know he is..the thing is..that it hurts soo much..we are still together..but we were engaged for four months before that period ended...my thoughts were moving towards being a wife...and building a life together..we KNOW we are going to get married..thats not the doubt...the thing is..every where i turn is weddings, engagements, and happiness..i still cant stop wishing and thinking about the wedding...i want soo bad to be engaged again and to know that we are together..and to have a date to look forward to! i want to be married to him soo terribly! i love him with everything in me..and i know he loves me too..we cant live together till wedding day..and i just want to be with him!!! HELP! ! ! !

Answer 1

Look into going to premarital counseling together. That should help you both overcome all your minor problems.

Let me tell you something else, as an "old" married lady. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. The worst time by far, in our relationship was our first year of marriage, followed closely by our engagement. It was rough. We both have strong personalities, and meshing our 2 personalities into a team has been some hard work. But it's totally worth it. He's absolutely the man for me, no doubt. At this point, I don't think anyone else would put up with me...LOL

Make sure you're getting married for the sake of a marriage too, not because you want a wedding. If you guys love each other like you say you both do, sometimes you've just got to jump, and go for it. If you honestly feel he's the one for you, and you're the one for him, then by all means go ahead and get married. There's really nothing to be all that scared of. Until you have children, and they become teenagers--now THAT'S scary!!! ;-)

Good luck, I hope everything works out for the 2 of you.

Answer 2

Yea, the best thing you can do is work out your "minor" problems. I mean just because you were so close to having what you want don't go nuts by locking into not having it come true as soon as you expected. I mean marriage is a really big deal. Its so much more involved than just simple dating. So I think you need to set aside all this grief over what ended. And be thankful you two are still together. If I were you I would go to him and try and talk to him without any mention of the wedding or a marriage, and figure out what his concerns are, how we can fix the problems. Because if I just sat around not trying to figure out what was on my sweetie's mind, then in all reality I would never get married. Simply because of the fact that I'm pining away over one event that happened to someone else too, that I'm so lost in my own feelings I'm not willing to pull back and talk to my man and figure out what had him scared or worried or even afriad. You have to pull yourself together and be there for your guy and give up your momentary grief and deal with the present issue here.

P.S. It sounds like you are one of those women more into the wedding and being engaged and even becoming a wife more than you care about the actual person that is going to be your fiance/husband. Bring your head out of the clouds and work through your partner's problems as well as your own. Because to go into a lifetime of commitment you need a real partnership, not just one person controlling another or having such lofty aspirations they don't know what the real world looks like anymore. Be real for yourself and your man. Cause if you don't, there will be major trouble in paradise.

Answer 3

Instead of focusing on how much you want to be married and your feelings, you need to step back and take a hard look at your relationship! I agree that you need premarital counseling! What may be minor issues to you could be large issues to your fiance! Simply sitting down and talking it over isn't enough. Nor is just ignoring the problem because your too interested in being married. If you go into marriage blind, your marriage is not going to make it. you need to make sure you both are compatible and want the samethings in life for example: same # of kids, lifestyle, if 1 or both of you work, education, money/finances, religion, and so on. A disagreement in any of these areas will create a large rift between the 2 of you later. So find out exactly what is bothering him and truly listen to him. That means giving him the voice to say what he wants and needs to without you interjecting.

Again, schedule premarital couseling...it really is an eye-opener! It helps to ask all the difficult questions and helps you to answer them aswell before you get married. This will help to either put your relationship on the right road, or show you the new road you need to take. And again, don't focus on the "white picket fence" dream of just being a wife! It's not all a bed of roses! A strong and committed marriage takes time, patience, compromise, and above all...a lot of work from BOTH partners, not just one!

Answer 4

i understand you. i have a long distance relationship, and we are not able to be together until we are married. there were lots of times when i just thought, "we can solve this later!!!! i want to be married!!!" i really felt that a lot of the minor issues we had were a result of being seperated, and that once we were together, it would be find. and yeah...we both knew that we wanted to be married. i struggled a lot with being angry over why he just wouldn't ask, so things would be easier and we could live in the same place (same country!)

but...now that i've gotten through that...i can see that timing is everything. and somehow...through all that, we became better arguers, better supporters of each other. and despite the distance, we really did get through those minor disagreements (which were really just symptoms of a larger communication/insecurity issue.) i feel so much more confident now...even though i felt fine before too!

i just think that this is the most important relationship you'll ever have, and it's very important to start it on the right food, with the right feeling in your heart. it will set the tone for your whole life. and you may have the right feelings now, but he doens't. and obviously he needs to wait....and you just have to support him in that, and you'll come out feeling stronger later. i know it hurts, and i'm sorry for you...but you'll make it.

Answer 5

kiki has hit it on the head. in the church all engaged couples get premarital counseling to reassure each person about the things they are thinking about. now, if he has broken it off and will not go to premarital couseling or set a date, it may be because he just is too young, how old are you two? if he is in his early 20's he is just way too young and it aint gonna change.
you can have perspective of this and listen up, you simply need to stop spending time with him and go out with friends. that is right. like it or not, you have been demoted. and that is okay, if he feels he is too young, but your job is not to spend all your time wishing, hard as it is, fill your time and thoughts with other things.

yup, hon, i looked and you are only 20 and he is 21. he is just not gonna get married. you are also way way too young. so, do not continue to date him, no sex, you need to get another circle of people to be around, cause he is not gonna change his mind, and you are lucky here. so no begging no drama, and you will look back and see you kept your dignity, you wont regret being a lady about it. it will serve you well in the future.

Answer 6

without knowing how serious his reasons are for calling the engagement off it is hard to offer help. i think there are good reasons to wait. however, i also think it is important to and trust his intentions. many women love men that never marry them b/c it is not truly their intention to do so. if you honestly believe it is his intention to marry you then suggest counseling. making a relationship work is an active process. this means that you have to at times put real effort into it. take this time to get some personal counseling as well and to focus on you growing as a person. this will help you but it will also help the relationship.
and it hurts, of course. there is no easy way to deal with this part. it will be even harder b/c you still have him in yoru life and it will often feel like the carrot is dangling right in front of your face. if it gets to hard take a step away to allow your wound to heal.

Answer 7

You are better off calling it off now before there is a legally binding document. Prolong the engagement, change the date and figure out if it will work. Counseling is a great idea. Do you watch that show Tell Me You Love Me on HBO. These couples will make you think about your own relationship. Scary stuff. Relationships ARE scary and exciting.

Answer 8

I would still tell him you love him, don't be pushy, but tell him you know it's not easy but part of being married is going through things together. Let him know u are commited and want to be with him, engaged or not, and that you will work with him to sort through your problems because you just want to be together... GOOD LUCK :)

Answer 9

Listen to Kiki & MrsPrincess07.
After counseling, I'd recommend going to the courthouse for a civil ceremony and get it done!

Answer 10

You guys need to check into some premarital counseling. You can resolve your issues/fears/concerns now before it's too late.

Good luck to you both :)