Will I Ever Get Her Respect ????

Question

my husband and i adopted a sibling group of 4. ages 11, 5, 6, 20mo. everything was going fine until recently. all my children calls us mom and dad except,you got it, my 11 yr. old girl. and recently she has been very disrespectful to us. exspecially me. i don't require my kids to call me mom. but i do reqire them to respect us. my 11 yr. old thinks she can do what ever she wants and should suffer no consequences. she is very mouthy. and although she is almost a straight A student i hesitate to reward her for that because she is so ungrateful for anything we do for her. nothing is ever good enough for her. i love all of my kids very much. but i am almost to my limit with her atitude. and you would think someone coming from the situations she did would be more grateful. and actually at one time she was and now she is not. is this a normal age thing or is this something else. please help me what should i do. and how can i help her to understand that we are only trying to be her parents.

when i say i am hesitant about doing things for her for her good grades and all the other good things she does,i mean buying her things. nothing i have bought for her seems to be good enough. she always finds something that she doesn't like about it. such as she wants a mp3 player. and yes i do let her know i am proud of her when she does good. but i am not going to buy her expensive gifts and she doesn't appreciate them. she is kind of acting like she wants me to buy love and respect from her. and that is not going to happen. am i wrong?

Answer 1

Safely guessing she has RAD because she won't call her mom and is being disrespectful is as far out of left field as it comes, but I wouldn't expect it from none other than AdoptionsWithLove.

Shes been through some rough stuff.

Maybe you could try and just be there for her, and not try replacing her parents. You cannot force somebody to call you mom, like you said you don't, but you can provide stability and strength of security into a home for them.

Shes getting good grades, thats wonderful considering her and her siblings have had to be removed from their parents. This could be a mix of age, and experience. Maybe shes not happy with you, maybe she misses her parents, I don't know her situation, but even the abused can grieve their lost family.

My suggestion is therapy to help her grieve. Boundries to allow her own growth, and feelings to come, and shoulder after shoulder full of empathy and understanding.

Keep all expectations of "gratefulness" out the door. Who on earth would EVER want to be grateful they were removed from their parents and are now being raised by strangers? Grateful to be abused? aborted from your life and thrown into another with an expectation of "thanks for saving me."

Its a HUGE misunderstanding by the general public that we, foster children and adoptees should feel GRATEFULNESS because people are raising or did raise us.

No thank you.

Answer 2

You already have it and don't realize it! She is testing you. And the fact that she is taking the time to "bother" you means she loves you. She's doing her worst to see if you are going to give her away like her birth parents. What you need to do is make sure she knows she is loved, individually, even without the siblings, you would still love her. Let her know that you will NEVER give up on her, you will always be there for her and most important, you love her no matter what and always will. Try spending some one on one time with her, such as, every Saturday morning, your time, the 2 of you go do something....every Sat. morning. Make it a routine and no matter what, stick with it. She will eventually come around and realize that you do love her and will not give her away. She's making straight A's because she is a good kid, she's acting out because she wants to be loved and feel secure. Trust me, I know this from experience. Good luck, just have patience and understanding. She knows her parents did not want her, that's why she's testing you, to see if you really want her or is it time for you to leave her, like everyone else has. Let her know that you are going to stay and that you love her, really love her. Sit her down, explain that you won't tolerate the disrespect, that you respect her and she should you. Make sure when you are going thru the list of things she cannot do or say, you tell her that she is your daughter, that you love her and this family is forever and that she can bank on it. Start the quality time immediately after the talk, tell her that you are going to start a new tradation, starting tomorrow morning, the 2 of you will have girl time. Never let anything interrupt girl time, except an emergency. 5 & 6 yr olds adjust to changes in families easier than an 11 yr old, that's why you are not having trouble out of them. They just want to be loved and won't do anything to jeopardize that, 11 yr olds, are always waiting for the other shoe to drop! Again good luck!

Answer 3

Perhaps as she is entering teenage-land, she is revisiting grief. I would set aside some special time without the other kids around and do something fun - perhaps manicures and on the way there and home in the car have some talks about her adoption, her past and her future. I don't think an 11 year old has the cognitive skills to be "grateful" she is no longer in a dangerous setting. She is where she is and she only can comprehend how she feels. The world is a confusing place when you are 11, not a little kid anymore, but not a teenager with more freedom. I think it's a great sign she is still getting good marks, and give her the mp3 player, she will be happy you were listening to her wants.

Answer 4

Everything you are seeing is stemming from the fact that she's becomming a teenager. However, that doesn't mean the fact that she's adopted can or should be ignored. All your other children are still young, so it's likely most of the parenting literature you've read, the experiences you've had, and your parenting approach are geared towards younger children. Teens are a whole different ballgame.

One thing to remember is that teenagers are pushing boundries to the max in an attempt to establish who they are and where they fit in the world. This can be EXTREMELY annoying (even hurtful) to a parent, but it's important that as a parent you remember that it stems from the teens own internal insecurities. The more insecure the child, the more likely they will act out. Because your daughter IS adopted (and was likely adopted very late in life) she is naturally going to be more insecure than most children around her.

The solution to this is two-fold. First, you must begin to lavishly praise her for each and every thing she does right. This does not always mean buying gifts. Simply letting her know how proud you are, setting her up as an example for the younger kids, and saying constant "good jobs" and "I'm so glad you're MY daugher" are usually sufficient. At all costs, avoid comparing her with anyone else. It's kinda funny, but in many ways, manipulating a "tweenager" is alot like manipulating a toddler, since it's an equivilant stage of new development. Secondly, you must increase your discipline. Do not let her "slide" with anything, but avoid calling HER ungreatful. Make it very clear that it is the action that is getting punnished, not her. In fact, it would probably be best to sit down with your daughter with a chart of offences and consequences, that way she knows you're not reacting to her as a person, but what she's doing. If you don't want to force her to call you "Mom" that's fine, but you should make sure she's always respectful to you. In fact, it might even be best to have her call you another title, like "aunt" or something instead of your name... but that's your choice.

Good luck!

Answer 5

I think she has probably been through allot. I know shes difficult but you can never love a child to much. I noticed you said something backwards in your sentence. Its you who should be grateful to be gifted this wonderful little girl, no matter how tough it is. I think you must have a big heart to adopt all these children. She might be scared to love you because she's probably been hurt before. Be patient with her and let her know that no matter what she does you will never leave her, never quit loving her and just because shes not blood doesn't make her any less of your child. You can also try to work with her through counseling or some sort of social work program. Raising kids is tough but I'm sure your doing the best you can. Keep up the good work. Also dont be afraid to reward her with non material things when she gets good grades. She deserves allot of praise for it. Make her a special supper if shes doing well. Single her out and make her feel like a star!

Answer 6

I don't know if you'll get her respect or not but something troubles me about what you wrote. "and you would think someone coming from the situations she did would be more grateful." She's an 11 year old child. Your JOB is to be a GOOD parent. You expect an 11 year old child from a troubled background to be "grateful" to you for taking her into your home? This MAY come later or it may never come. Are children ever grateful for all that their parents do?

You need to sit down and have a conversation with her and tell her that the disrespect is not acceptable. I also recommend counseling. If you have someone in your area who has experience dealing wth adoption issues I recommend you and yoru whole family go.

Answer 7

I am having the same problem with our 9 year old foster daughter. While some of it may be the age, I don't think it is right for a child to talk to an adult the way some children do. It is disrespectful and it hurts. But, she is a child and you need to let her know that even though you don't like the way she is treating you, you still love her. You dislike the action, not the child....I'm sure you have let her know that. Best of luck and try to keep your cool, even though I know it is difficult!

Answer 8

It's probably because of when she was "visiting" mommy, she would buy her things. I have this problem with one of mine (not adopted yet). Luckily for us we caught the problem early and we put a stop to the shopping. You never said how long ago you adopted or what the situation was like before hand...ie...did parents still have visits, were they totally free. I would sit her down and explain to her that as well as you are proud of her she is acting like a little girl and until she learns respect / acting her age not to expect "big girl" toys...ie..mp3 player. As I think that is a little big for an 11 year old, that's not my call and I don't know how mature she is for her age. But from what she has been through and being the oldest, you have to understand that she still remembers alot. Try getting her to talk to the school councelor / therapist...etc. It has helped ours out tremensly!

Answer 9

It will be EXTREMELY hard because you or whoever this is already acted slutty, and guys dont really think of the slutty girls like someone they can be with, just someone they can spend a night at. BUT if you try REALLY REALLY hard you or whomever might get that reputation away from the guy but you have to show him that the pearson you are going to be when you are with him is the person that you are all the time not just an act for him. I think you should forget about him thou cuz im pretty sure he forgot about you, but if you want to go after him, go for it but know that the expectations are going to be very small, I would suggest that you look for another guy and not give him that slutty impression, ESPECIALLY the first time he meets you or whomever. Good LUck :) Merry Christmas

Answer 10

Firstly you are doing a great and challenging job! Well done. Hang in there. Is this pre-teen changes with the 11 year old? Emotional and hormonal changes can made even a pre-teen more demanding and moody. Is she acting out because of her past too perhaps? Set firm boundaries, be clear about your expectations for her, encourage her strengths, include her in decision-making processes where appropriate, spend one-on-one time with her and find an activity or club she can go to on her own. All the best.

I do not require an answer to my questions!

Answer 11

I've known many children in this same type of situation and lash out the same way.. why don't you try talking her out to lunch or something, just you and her. Don't just buy her stuff, give her that extra emotional care. I'm not saying you don't do that now, but I think it would really mean a lot to her to spend some alone time with her and you can tell her your true feelings for her.