As an adoptee I met my biological sister recently....?

Question

Is it wrong for me to want to discontinue a relationship with her? She is 27 and her life is mess. There are way to many details to mention, but she makes me feel selfish for not wanting to spend every waking minute with her and help her work out all her problems. She expects that now that she knows me as a sister I should always accommodate her. Because "we are blood" But I don't feel the connection with her that I thought I would when I decided to finally meet her. I don't want to be in her life. I have tried my best. I have done so much for her in the short time that I have known her and I feel this is a one way relationship. Just because an adoptee meets their biological relative, is wrong to say "I can't handle this" and decide to cut ties?

Thank you all for your responses. It has been very helpful. I really didn't what the right to way to react was going to be. My sister suffers from some mental issues that chooses not to address properly. She has been babied her whole life by her adoptive family and now she wants me to baby to her too. She wants me to watch as she makes horrible mistakes and help her fix them. I cannot, I am not strong enough and have my own health and mental state to handle. But in some ways she has made me feel guilty because I am her sister. I have tried to be her mom and sister. It is all to heartbreaking for me to watch anymore. I do plan on seeing a counsler and once again I thank you all for the considerate responses. It is good to hear other peoples experiences.

xx

Answer 1

Ironic isn't it? Some adoptive parents manipulate the feelings of adoptees, instilling the idea that the latter should be grateful because they were chosen. By the same token, more than one biological/natural mother is guilty of telling her child, "Didn't I carry you for nine months," in an attempt to cement an unwanted relationship. This is the first time, though, I've heard of a sister going down that path.

I suggest you are no more responsible for helping your sister than you are any other human being. In fact, you have tried to help. That is admirable. That help, however, appears to be taken for granted.

It is not wrong to say, "I can't handle this." It is honest. Perhaps your sister, if she is supportive and loving, can understand and give you time and space. If she cannot, consider the possibility that you are being exploited.

Answer 2

You have got to do what is best for you. There are adoptees that find biological relatives and decided they really don’t want a relationship with them, for whatever reason. They go their separate ways though the adoptee often comes away with a bit of closure as they at least know more about their birthfamily. It can also work the other way around with biological kin ceasing contact with the adoptee for whatever reason.

It’s not your job to fix her problems she’s 27 the only one who can fix her problems is her. Frankly it selfish on her part to try and put her problems on you and call you selfish. Thinking that you have to help her just because you all are blood related. From your post it seems you found out that blood is not everything. Just because someone is biological related doesn’t mean they are going to have this strong instant connection.

Perhaps you can tell her that if and when she straightens out her life she can contact you, but only if that’s what you want. If you want to never speak or see her again that is your choice too.

Answer 3

I had a similar situation though the girl wasn't my sister, we were friends from childhood. She had made a lot of mistakes in life, choosing wrong types of men, etc. We hadn't talked in 20 years and she found me through classmates.com. We had a blast at first, hanging out, she visited me from Fla. ..we are from NJ. The n she has some more relationship problems and her new husband left her and returned to his country causing her to have a mental breakdown and so I sent her money and she moved in with my husband and I. We were in our 40s mind you by the time this reconciliation happened...and she continued to have problem after problem, financially, relationship wise, etc. etc. Then she had an illegitimate child, and on and on it went...I wanted to help her get better but her behavior and decisions never changed. It drug me down. I tried to help, I tried to help her see the error of her decisions, but she would just point out my faults (which I do not deny) ..and I just felt guilty all the time ...so one day, I just cut it off. It hurt, I miss her and her baby, but I couldn't help her, she was never going to make better decisions...it's been almost a year since I've talked to her...but my life is now mine instead of hers. Sometimes, we have to just take care of ourselves. You did what you could. No reason to feel guilty. If you can remain in touch without falling into the cycle, do so. If not, remember, it's not your fault she made the decisions she made and hasn't learned. Love doesn't go away just because the people aren't in our lives, but sometimes we must love people from a distance and pray for them, (give them to God so to speak,) for it isn't in our strength or responsibility to fix their lives. If only my friend knew that I do still care about her, I just cant deal with the 24/7 drama.

Answer 4

I even have the call and handle of my bio mum, I even have additionally written a letter yet no longer published it yet. Why? guy it relatively is frightening. The rejection i will take care of yet as she lives below 5 miles from me and that i'm traumatic that she perchance come clingy or stalkerish. additionally i'm uncertain what i desire out of reunion and till I do it relatively is not any longer user-friendly to contain somebody else. I dont desire to apply all people just to respond to a pair of questions and then walk away. I also have a great courting with my adoptive Dad (my mum died 8 years in the past) and siblings which skill holiday journeys and so on are spent with them - I dont think of i will do the entire mixing 2 families jointly. i think of you describing wanting sufficient want and braveness sums it it up completely - good success.

Answer 5

You never know what you will find when you search and you have to be prepared for the outcome, but......it's time to put your foot down. She is too needy and has probably gone through all the other relatives. It is not your responsibility to fix her. It is not wrong to say you can't handle this, but how will you feel is you do? If you feel good with this decision, then do it.

Answer 6

If I were you and your sister, I would want to be seen by a counselor, for at least a short time, to really determine if the
relationship can be connected.
Perhaps you both, need a third party involved, to help get
the differences ironed out.
Then if it doesn't work out, sever any ties, or else just stay
apart until you both feel the need to be close.

Answer 7

You have every right to cut the ties. You have a different family that you were raised with and just because your blood doesn't make you family. I have a half brother who I met for the first time when I was 16 and he was 23. He had different values and lots of problems. He met my dad (his biological dad) and my grandparents and some aunts and uncles. Then that was that. My dad didn't feel he was going to be good for my brother and I so we cut off ties. It was really best for everyone.

(Just so you know my dad didn't actually give him up. He didn't know about him till the boy was already 19. He was always open to telling him about where he was from and such but didn't want to jeopardize my brother and I while doing it.)

Answer 8

i am adopted and found out i had sisters and i had one that wasn't too messed up she was rn and working and stuff well when she retired she turned to drinking so badly i had to stop it and she and i dont' see eye to eye at all. its very sad but i did it period. you can just put a stop to it just because you are blood means nothing you dont' even k now here i was around for about 20 years and then bang it happened. i woke up one day and realized we weren't raised together and i am done. it isn't bad and you won't feel nothing just take care and do it.

Answer 9

It is perfectly fine that you feel the way you do. You may be blood, but you have your family and you have your connection with them. Being blood isn't everything. You have your family. If you don't want her as part of your life that is okay and it is your choice. Also, it's not your responsiblity to fix her life or be in it every waking moment. Tell her how you feel and tell her you need space between the two of you and that she needs to take responsibility for her own life, it's not your job. Good luck!

Answer 10

OOOOh, tough call. We'll that's your decision. You recently met her and she really knows nothing about your past. I'd keep my distance, but not cut total ties.