My New Girlfriend is an Alcoholic! What should I do?

Question

I have just found out that my new girlfriend of only 5 months is an alcoholic. I had know idea until this weekend when I found her totally drunk, dilerious and injured. It scared me like nothing in my life previously had. Neither she nor her family (who all knew) had told me about her 'disease' at all, and she gave me no signs of it over our short relationship. I feel foolish not to have seen possible signs. I have read and meet a lot of people involved with alcoholics over the last few days in order to try and understand what she is going through. I love her dearly but don't know if I (now) want to stay with her and over time 'help' her someway OR leave her soon. I am scared that if I leave her then she will get much worse because I have left her, and that maybe she might get badly injured or try to commit suicide someday. I think I would feel very responsible if these things occured. She's been an alcoholic for 7 years and is fully aware of her disease and wants to stop. PLEASE HELP!

Answer 1

Speaking from experience, alcoholics cannot just drink one or two adult beverages and stop. If you have seen her do this, she is not an alcoholic she is a binge drinker. Binge drinkers have an underlying painful reason that "gives them permission" to get totally out of control.

You are in a tough spot. If she gets to the root of her behavior and it turns out to be a serious repressed memory, she will either get professional help or get worse. If she intermittently remembers some horrific memory (post traumatic stress) and tries to drown it in alcohol, her reaction will remain the same until she chooses to get professional help. Either way, you have a difficult decision to make.

Worst case scenario: (1) she lies to you about everything to keep you in her life which is a cry for help but not your problem (2) she chooses to get help but sneaks around to avoid being caught (3) she gets help but gives up anyway which is not your problem either.

My suggestion, if you are capable of backing off your relationship to strong friendship the outcome will be worth the wait if she seeks help. Let her know binge drinking is a deal breaker for any future involvement together. She will need a strong man to protect her from herself in the very beginning of therapy, someone who can remind her of HER choice to get better. Make no mistake; this is very hard work which is why the reward is well worth it. In the end, your relationship may not stand the test of time but your friendship will endure.

Remember, it is important to put your mental health first. All relationships require hard work and communication. Nobody can boast about being perfect relationship material. However, some relationships are just not worth pursuing no matter how good they seem at times.

Answer 2

If you really want to try and work this out you need to sit her down and talk to her (while sober). Tell her that you really like her and would like to continue spending time with her but you will not accept her alcoholism as part of the relationship. Tell her you want to help her and will seek help for her so long as she's willing to do her part. Tell her the only way you will stick around is if she commits herself to being helped and only if she gives it her 100%----NO EXCUSES. You can only do so much, it's really truly up to her. I mean if she's been an alcoholic for 7 years now, it could be allot worse than you think and whether you break up with her or not might not make too much of a difference. I wish you both the best of luck.

Answer 3

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She's certainly at risk. Try having a discussion with her when she's sober to express your concern for both her wellbeing and the relationship. Ask her if she won't consider other ways of dealing with stress, whether therapy/medication or more holistic methods like exercise, meditation, yoga, etc. Be sure to mention that you fell second to the alcohol-if that doesn't affect her she definitely has a substance addiction and you must decide if you are ready to try to stick with her and hope she'll get help at some point or get out now before it gets worse. If she's an alcoholic, rather than just using alcohol to cope, things are almost sure to get worse before they get better.

Answer 4

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RE:
My New Girlfriend is an Alcoholic! What should I do?
I have just found out that my new girlfriend of only 5 months is an alcoholic. I had know idea until this weekend when I found her totally drunk, dilerious and injured. It scared me like nothing in my life previously had. Neither she nor her family (who all knew) had told me about her...

Answer 5

I used to drink almost everyday from the time I was 12 years old to about four years ago (I'm 28 yrs old). From experience, there is nothing you can tell her that will get her to stop. You can threaten to leave her if she doesn't get help, but chances are she is so deep into this disease and will not falter.
You need to ask yourself if you really want to deal with this and hang in there. It took me getting 2 DUI's and losing some good guys to realize I needed to straighten up my life. It really is out of your hands.
Now you can try an intervention with her family, but she may not go for it. Let her know how you feel and know if she threatens suicide, chances are it's just the liquor talking. Alcohol alters your train of thought and controls every aspect of your life. She will seek help when she hits rock bottom.
Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

Answer 6

Please stay there and be there for her. I know it will not be easy, but maybe you are the one that can get here out of this. At least she admits it, and wants help. When I met my husband, he lied to me. He was on methadone (did not know as he was unsupervised and got 2 weeks at a time and he worked away. He ended up reducing himself, or risk losing me, as I am totally anti drugs, we moved away (not far away, but enough) he has been clean now for 4 years and opiate free for three. Today I have been with my niece, who is an alcoholic, but will not admit it. A few weeks ago we confronted her, and she came up with lots of excuses, BTW they are very devious and can hide it very well, even her husband didn't realise. She is still in denial now. To cut a long story short. If I hadn't been there for my husband, he would have still been in the same, place with the same people and taking wobblies and temmy's, blue's and green's and yellows. Probably a bit of crack. When my niece is ready, I will be here. When I met Kenny, he had been on something for16 years. Sometimes it only takes one person. If you love her, you can't give up on her. Sorry to go on, but this is something I feel very strongly about. She needs your help. Be her crutch. Good luck XXX

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Answer 7

Oh boy! Just let me tell you this. My sister is an alcoholic. She has been to us for help many times and she continues to go back to it. We have bought her clothes, taken her and paid for her doctors and dentist bills, etc. She swore that she didn't want to go back to that life, and she does everytime. Its one of the hardest things my family has dealt with. We worry about her continuously but at the same time, were tired of it and feel that there's nothing else to do. My advice to you is, if you want to put up with this behavior, then stay. If not, then leave. Yes, she'll continue to threaten suicide, but that usually happens. They never do. The bottle means more to them. You've only been with her for 5 months. She's been an alcoholic for 7 years. She's survived so far, she'll survive without you and you'll keep your sanity. Good luck. I know this is a very hard thing to deal with.

Answer 8

It is not your responsibility to worry about your girlfriend getting help if you break up with her. It's HER responsibility to understand the consequences of her behavior. Leaving her gives her a clear, no nonsense statement. The next step would be in her court. Besides - is this the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and risk becoming the mother of your children? Nuh-uh... walk away and let her know exactly why. Then don't look back.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

First - there is no reason why you should feel foolish.
Fact is, you were lied to.
She created a false illusion as to who she was and what she wanted you to think she was.

Secondly, you say she wants to stop.
The only person who can help an addict IS THE ADDICT!
Don't get sucked into her private hell - she must accept responsibility for her own actions and seek help...as the saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" - in her case, you can't make her get sober.

Finally - while I applaud your noble actions, your best bet is to leave her.
You are responsible for your life and that includes your sanity.
It is clear that her own family enables her with her disease.
You will end up just another enabler if you stay.

Sure - that was pretty damn brutal advice, but I know what I'm taking about from personal experience.
You can take it or leave it and find out for yourself.

Good luck.