I am engaged to the man of my dreams however he is a virgin and I am not. Please dont judge me!!! I have been baptised since and I have been forgiven I have attended church three days a week every since. I only did it once. And i have regreted it ever since. But it makes him mad at me when he thinks about it because of what I have done. We have not had sex and are not going to until the honey moon. I just want to know what i should say to him. I cant imagine what I would do if it was the other way around. I have told him that its not like I cheated on him. It was 1 year before we started dating. I feel bad but it is starting to make me mad. We have been together for almost 3 years and he has know this from the start . I dont want to loose him over something that happened before we started dating. What should I do? Please help. Thanks.
2007-10-17 05:00:21 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I know he is a virgin. He just isnt just lying to make me feel worse. This isnt a daily thing. Matter of fact it hasnt been brought up in a while. But he was like the perfect child. he grew up in a christian home. he has never drank, smoked, or experimented with drugs. (I know this for a fact!!) I on the other hand grew up in a single family home and God was not a big part of that. When I was 17 i went kinda wild. I tried drugs, drank a little and smoked. about 6 months after I had sex I began to go to church. We started dating in may and in Oct. I was baptized and started going to church with him. I love him and he is not a jerk. i just wanted to know how to explain to him how I really feel if (or when) this comes up again. i mean he is a very hard worker he is a farmer. But the only times he has cried infront of me was when he proposed and when this subject comes up. I know he is hurt. I just want to know what to do. Thanks for all your answers they are great!!
2007-10-17 05:24:57 · update #1
I know he is a virgin. He just isnt just lying to make me feel worse. This isnt a daily thing. Matter of fact it hasnt been brought up in a while. But he was like the perfect child. he grew up in a christian home. he has never drank, smoked, or experimented with drugs. (I know this for a fact!!) I on the other hand grew up in a single family home and God was not a big part of that. When I was 17 i went kinda wild. I tried drugs, drank a little and smoked. about 6 months after I had sex I began to go to church. We started dating in may and in Oct. I was baptized and started going to church with him. I love him and he is not a jerk. i just wanted to know how to explain to him how I really feel if (or when) this comes up again. i mean he is a very hard worker he is a farmer. But the only times he has cried infront of me was when he proposed and when this subject comes up. I know he is hurt. I just want to know what to do. Thanks for all your answers they are great!!
2007-10-17 05:25:48 · update #2
It shouldn't be an issue at all. If he cares more about your hymen than who you are inside, he's not worth marrying.
2007-10-17 05:02:45 · answer #1 · answered by . 7 · 4⤊ 2⤋
Bless you both for waiting. It's not an easy thing to do. Hopefully, he can get over this. It wouldn't hurt him to realize that pretty much anybody he'd get involved with would have some experience.
If you've only done it one, you really don't have any more experience than he does. You should both give yourselves permission to know that first times don't mean much. They're rarely that good and this first time with the two of you should truly be so much more special than whatever happened when you did it the first time.
Also, it doesn't hurt to realize and give each other the assurance that you don't expect the first time with each other to be perfect. It takes a while to get used to each other and the great thing is you two will get to experiment with each other.
I was a virgin when I met my husband though we didn't wait until we were married. He was a virgin too. It meant a lot to me over the years to know that we were both virgins. Though I have to say we sure didn't work very hard at taking care of each other in that department. Needless to say, our marriage ended after 20 years.
Let him be a little disappointed that he isn't your first but make sure he understands that for all intense purposes he really is your first. Having sex with the person you love is worlds apart from just having sex. He believes in God and hopefully, he can forgive you. He may never forget, but he can forgive you. He needs to practice detaching from this and letting go. You both have so much to look forward to.
Good luck....
2007-10-17 05:41:12 · answer #2 · answered by Holly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This man is not "the man of your dreams" unless you dream of being married to an abusive husband. If he is so controlling and demanding before marriage about something that has absolutely nothing to do with him, just think how much worse it will get after you are married. What you did is not that awful and it was in the past it is no business of his, you are absolutely correct you did NOT cheat on him or anyone else. The best thing you can do is identify his behavior as a future indication that your every action from now on must meet with his approval, he is looking for a slave, not a wife. The best thing you can do is get rid of him and find a real man who will treat you with the respect you deserve. The next best thing you can do is get couples counseling BEFORE you even consider marrying him. The probability that he will change and let this go is almost nonexistent though.
2007-10-17 05:12:47 · answer #3 · answered by Wiz 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow.. and here I thought most religions taught this thing called forgiveness.... or has that been replaced now with retribution?
1) have you two gone to any pre-marriage counseling yet? Most churches offer and/or require it. If not... DO IT... and bring this issue up.
2) If he is more concerned about your virginity than the person... there is a problem (see #1 above)
3) Get a full medical checkup (including STD check) just to rule that one out.
4) If after you have done #1 above and it doesn't work... then I'd seriously consider terminating the relationship. who wants to listen to someone complain about a choice you made before you ever met until the end of time?
5) It could be he is using this as an excuse to either end the relationship (because he doesn't have the nerve to do it any other way) or as an excuse/reason to be with someone else (ie. he has, is or is thinking about cheating on you). Again... #1 should help with this.. and if not.. well see #4
2007-10-17 05:05:54 · answer #4 · answered by .... 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Thats always really difficult..this is the best advice it can give.
Tell him that Love should keep no records of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13). You made a mistake..you sinned..you are human. He has probably at least thought about sex before he started dating you. You can change your past. Tell him that you had no connection to him whatsoever when you lost your virginity and if you had then of course you would have waited. Tell him about second virginity. Just because you lost your virginity once..you can become a virgin again. You can become clean again. Remind him that God forgives everything and we are to be Christlike so we need to forgive also. Life is very fragile and if we live regretting our mistakes all the time or judging others for the mistakes that they have made then we will loose some of the times that we could be happy and loving.
8)
2007-10-17 05:07:35 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
You are going to have difficulties. Here is why:
1) You already did it with some dude, for better or worse, you can't turn back the hands of time.
2) Your fiance is jealous (or perhaps downright pi**ed) because he has to wait and there is someone out there in the world who got the goodies for free that he is working hard for.
3) He'll never say it, but he thinks that he should have gotten some "strange" before he settled down.
No easy answers to this one, but at the very least, I'd say that making him wait untill the honeymoon is exceptionally cruel. Give him a taste. And then hope for the best!!
2007-10-17 05:37:55 · answer #6 · answered by dpilipis 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It was something that happened before you too were together. Tell him that he knew what he was getting into from the beginning and he shouldn't get mad this late in the relationship after knowing it for almost 3 years. If you feel it was a mistake to have sex let him know but by no means feel bad about about it. but if it wasn't a mistake and you have no regrets tell him to deal with it before your relationship goes any further because it will eat him up and ruin your marriage. Don't marry him until he deal with this.
2007-10-17 05:14:37 · answer #7 · answered by Video 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It shouldn't matter. The past is the past. If it's that big a deal to him then there may be some issues you want to talk to him about before getting married. You can also tell him good luck trying to find someone even close to being a virgin as you are, let alone a virgin.
2007-10-17 05:13:25 · answer #8 · answered by Die S 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First you never talk about your past relationships with your new partner. You've been with this man for three years and he can't get over it. You sure he's the one. The past is the past. Ask him how you are going to have a great marriage if he is going to hold this over your head. It had nothing to do with him. It happened way before him. It's none of his business. He's probably just jealous because he hasn't had sex yet. I'd be questioning the whole relationship, because he's already judging you.
2007-10-17 05:10:37 · answer #9 · answered by shellshell 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm glad yall are waiting. :) Tell him this, sin is sin. No matter what kind, no one is any better than anyone else in God's eyes. You are sorry for what you have done and are making God proud by learning from your mistakes and doing the right thing. God has given you another chance, He has forgiven you. If your fiance is a Christian, then he should forgive you too. Marrige is about loving eachother unconditionally. Also read to him this, "4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always TRUSTS, always HOPES, always PERSERVERES.
8Love never fails."
1 Chorinthians 13:4-8
I will pray for you both and for your lives together. :)
God bless.
2007-10-17 05:14:57 · answer #10 · answered by suthurnbabe 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ok, first of all I have to say how happy I am for you both deciding to wait until marriage. Your honey moon is going to be a very special time you will both never forget, and will build a strong foundation for a good marriage.
About you having sex prior to dating him. It was a mistake- you can't go back. The past can't be changed and Jesus has forgiven you so why can't he? The only perfect person in this world was Jesus Christ and we crucified him. People have a terrible habit of not being able to forgive & forget. Your fiance is going to have to accept this part of your life if he wants to be a part of your future. We can't look back in life we have to look forward to be truly happy! Best Wishes
2007-10-17 05:14:28 · answer #11 · answered by QTpie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋