my daughter realised shes adopted.. i hadnt told her... shes angry.. help..!!!?

Question

my daughter just realised that shes adopted. i dont know how she knows about it. shes angry i hadnt told her. ihad actually decided to tell her when shes 12 years.. shes still 9 years... so i hadnt told her.. now she doesnt talk to us properly, tries to ignore us if we try to talk to her.. i want to talk to her... but she doesnt listen to me... i also have the fear that she may attempt a suicide that shes not living with her own parents... plzplz help........
im really tensed and worried about all this..................

Answer 1

Wow. I cannot imagine the pain and confusion that your daughter is going through. How horrible to realize the people you thought you could trust most in this world have lied to you about your very existence, and that you have other parents out there who abandoned you. One set leaves you, the other lie to you, who do you trust?

If your husband came home and told you that he was living a double life, and the entire time you've been together he also had another wife and 3 kids he goes to see and whom he loves very much, how long would it take to trust him again? How many times could he tell you he was sorry and he was trying to do what was best for you by not telling you? What could he say to make you go, oh, okay, it was just the biggest betrayal of my life and I feel completely shattered, but since you put it that way, we're totally cool now? Would you be suicidal? Would you trust him on other issues?

My only advice is for ALL of you to get counseling for your issues (why only make her go like she's the one who did something wrong?), be absolutely truthful with her about everything else, realize she's not going to trust you again for along time if ever, and when she's older you can give her the address to www.adultadoptees.org so she can join the rest of us miserable people (tongue in cheek).

Answer 2

You always want to tell a child when he/she is adopted, as soon as they are old enough to understand. I am adopted, and am happy that I was told. It is a wonderful thing. She could have been aborted, but you were amazing enough to give this little child the opportunity at a life she probably never would have had. My parents had a birthday party and an adoption party for me when I was younger, and it was very special to have that. How many other children have a chance to be brought out of a troubling situation and into a loving family? Good for you, and I wish you and your family the best of everything. Also being a foster parent, especially one of the good ones, is very special too. You're are heroes to these little children. Don't forget that.

Answer 3

First, tell her that you're going to talk to her about this and she has to sit down and listen. You are the parent so insist. Then tell her something like this: I realize that you are upset but, that does not give you the right to disrespect us and we refuse to accept this behavior. Now if you want to know why I did not tell you it is because I was waiting until you were older and would be able to handle it better than how you are handling it now. I may not be your natural mother, but, I am your mother. You may not have come from my body but you have been in my heart from the moment I saw you and you always will. I love you with all my heart and no one will ever take that away from me. The moment I adopted you I felt like I had been blessed. You are and always will be my child and I expect you to behave better than what you have been. Now if you are unhappy and just can not stand to be around us anymore then I guess, I'll just have to let you go because I love you that much and I wouldn't want you to be unhappy. Though if you did want to leave, it would break my heart. Of course this is just an example. You know your child better than anyone. So take what you can use and discard the rest. I have two adopted children and we went through a situation like this. But they also were a bit older too. So just take what you can use. She is hurt right now and just needs some reassurance that you still love her and that you're not going to discard her. But don't let her use that to her advantage. You have to kind of be loving and reassuring and firm at the same time. Parenting can be tough. Good luck to you and yours.

Answer 4

Get her into counseling if you think she's suicidal. If you think there's an immediate danger, take her to the ER.

You can't undo what's been done, so at this point I guess I would try to apologize to her--profusely. (Not because she's adopted, but because you never told her.) I would see if there's any kind of specialist that deals with things of this nature. Maybe through an adoption agency. Start there and if not, then a child psychologist. You really need to handle this properly, and I'm sure there's a right/proven way to go about it. I don't know what that is, but I hope you are able to find out.

Answer 5

She's going through the stages of life's top stresses. She needs to realize that anger is only a emotion that she "has" to go through....it's one of 5 stages. Sorry, my mind is blank on the others stages. Talk to her with truth, you may need to regain her trust and the fact that you had plan to tell her at 12 when she would be more mature...doesn't mean that you had no intentions of never telling her but you where waiting for her mind to mature. Until she was 12 you felt that not knowing was the best way of her having a normal childhood. What you did was what you felt was best for her.

The stress may cause a mild illness of the kidneys or adrenal glands. Serve more salads and rice to prevent this. Cut back on sugar, oils and fats because these foods will make her anger worse. Drink more water.

Know when it's time to see a psychologist ...pick one out and be prepared.

She may react well with a talking stick or something similar....when the person that is holding the talking stick, no one else can talk, only the person that holds the stick and they can hold it as long as they are talking. Call the family to a meeting, explain the talking stick rules and why this meeting is being held, make a statement...pass the stick...good luck and you know that this is going to work out fine.

Answer 6

well shame on you for not telling her long time ago. it woudn't have been such a shock. now you have to sit her down and talk and tell her why you were waiting so long. that is hard and i am sure somehow someone told her or gave her an idea and you knew that would get out. there are so many that aren't worried about hurting others. yes, its sad but shes so young she doens't know why. it could be shes thinking of doing away with her self. i mean hey its horrible to not know why and all the worries that come with it you and hubby neee dto sit her down and talk and let her feel asured.

Answer 7

to start with tell her how sorry you are for not telling her sooner,but explain you wanted to wait til she was a bit older so that she would understand all about it,

at the moment she is going to feel very confused,frightened,and totally mixed up,
you really do have to try and sit her down to explain things,if she wont sit and listen then write her a letter and leave it in her room so she can read it when shes ready.
although talking is better you need to get through to her somehow and very soon.
you may want to talk to her teacher and let her know whats going on as she may play up in school,also she may talk to her teacher.
your going to have to just keep trying and trying as she really needs to talk to someone as she will be so mixed up,
unless your adopted you really dont know what goes through an adoptees mind and i can tell you its alot of things that just make you more and more confused.
good luck and hope it all works out for you,
(im an adoptee,so i know how hes feeling)

Answer 8

I realize you probably had good intentions for not telling her right away..but really, what were you thinking? I can't imagine adopting a child and not telling them from the BEGINNING that they were adopted and have an open relationship with the biological parents.

I can only imagine that she's feeling very alone and betrayed right now. You need to get some counseling for your whole family. Be prepared to answer some difficult questions that she may have, and answer them honestly!! No more secrets.

Answer 9

First off, apologize every time you see her. Tell her that you will support her and try to explain why you felt that 12 would be a good age. (I think 12 is way too old, and they already have all of the other pressures of that age to add to it). She has every right to be angry with you. Ask her what you can do to help her now that she has this information and put aside your own insecurities and rebuild her trust. If it's counseling, then do it. Ask her if she would like to talk to other adoptees. There are groups and web sites for people who find out on there own. There are many many resources but find people who can relate to her and not tell her that she should just appreciate the family that chose her. This she already does, she is just angry right now. Please feel free to e-mail me through answers and I can pass on lots of state specific information and web sites to visit and offer more advice if you want it.

Answer 10

I am now 51 years old, I too am an adopted female. My adoptive parents started telling me as soon as I was old enough to start understanding things. I always felt like I was "special" because they had wanted me so bad that all their dreams came true when they received the phone call, that they now had a daughter. My parents had already adopted my brother and now their family was complete. They put a birth announcement in the paper and everything. I do remember thinking that my friends weren';t as special as I was, because their parents just had them, I was a dream come true. And as the years went by, I noticed that I looked just like my adopted dad, and you know, I couldn't have ever looked like my biological dad in the same way, we had so much charachteristics it was scary. My adopted brother and my mother were the same way. You know I believe that even though I now know I am adopted, the only way I would ever want to meet my biological parents would be to THANK THEM!!! MY Cousin, who was also my age, bursted it out in class in 7th grade one day that I was adopted. I was, so hurt and felt all of a sudden like a downcast. You know that age is awful anyways, and was very upset with my cousin for just bursting out with it. It was, I felt up to me and the way she said it was hurtful and made me feel degraded for being different. I think your daughter is feeling that way now. It must have been traumatic to her to find out from whatever source it was , that she was adopted. You really should have been the one to explain things. Now, that you can't undo the past, it is up to you to reassure her that it is the most important thing you could have ever been given, when you were given her. Perhaps, you could find a slightly older girl , either that lives in your area or as a pen pal that also is adopted and can mentor her through this. If there is anyway I could be of help, please contact me. Be patient, Be there, and continue to love, that's all any parent can be whether biological or otherwise! My best to the two of you!