Stay at home mothers?

Question

My husband and I have been fighting for the last month and it is to the point where I want to leave! We have to very diffrent point of views on the subject of stay at home moms see my mother was a stay at home mom and was there me whole life and I could not imagine leaving my one year old daughter with strangers and want to stay at home, but his mother was never there when he was younger and worked all the time and he feels both parents should work, I have checked into child care ex: nannys, childcare centers, babysitters and they all run about 8 to 12 dollars an hour and Im 20 I had my daughter a year ago and had to stop going to school due to having her so right now I could only bacially get a job at min wage which is 6 dollars so why would I get a job just to pay more in child care? also he is in the navy and is gone for months at a time so arranging a scedual would be even harder , someone with any insight please help he is so mean about the whole subject I would just love a 2nd op

Answer 1

My wife is a stay at home mom. We did the math and realized that the extra expenses of her working (daycare, additional auto expenses, meals away from home, etc) far outweighed any gain we might make by her working.

I suggest you sit down and figure out the REAL cost of having you work. Then figure out how much you have to make AFTER taxes to make it worthwhile. I suspect you'll be able to use the information to convince your husband that you are saving money by staying home.

Answer 2

I think it should be the parent that has the lowest income that stayed at home to raise the children! Which in most households it would be the mother! Some couples still can't afford to do this though even if they got a "huge tax credit." I am fortunate enough that my partner earns more than enough so I can stay at home - I will be getting Maternity pay from my work for 9 months and then I plan to stay at home for another 3 months and then go back to work part time (only a few hours a week) - As I think this will help as going back to work after been a stay at home mother for 5 years would be hard going - so I think it would be better to continue working a few hours a week. My child will be at my mothers or my partners mothers while I am working so I wouldn't have to pay for childcare like most people!

Answer 3

I sympathize with you completely. I have been a stay at home mom off and on for the last 5 years. Mostly at home or school. My daughter just started Kindergarten this year and my son is 3. I have been working for the last year with a friend watching my kids in the summer. When I had to find something else, it just wasn't feasable. So, I am now a stay at home mommy again.
I think being there for your kids is very important. If your hubby makes enough to support your family, I don't see what the big deal is. Why not stay at home and enjoy your child. If it is going to cost you more than you make to put your kid in day care or have someone watch him or her then it is totally out of the question for me anyway.
Good Luck to both of you.
Just sit down and talk to him about it. Open and honestly. Tell him how you feel, completely, including the part about possibly leaving. That is the only way the two of you can come to terms with this.
Good Luck!

Answer 4

I am sorry that you are having this argument. I am a stay-at-home mother who was previously a preschool teacher for a number of years, and went to college for Early Childhood Development. I come from both sides of the coin.
I spent many years 'raising' other mother's children. The main issue I had was that the working moms that I encountered felt guilty about working therefore allowed the kid to act whatever ways he/she wanted to because it wasn't fair to them. This behavior is very detrimental to the home, the school and society at large because it teaches kids that whatever they want, they deserve, which is an unheathy start in a world where rules must be obeyed and to live peacfully, we must be taught to think of others before ourselves. My husband and I are of the opinion that the mother, primarily, holds this responsibility in her hands and it should not, if at all possible, be passed off to another. That responsibility is too precious and important and needs to be done correctly.
With that said, I am also a Christian who believes that aside from adultry or physical abuse, divorce is not an option. Marriage is so hard, I know this well! However, it can work, it just takes either both sides or one side (if the other refuses to meet half way) to bend to help the other in what they think. My husband and I have learned this the hard way sometimes, but it gets much easier the more you practice. Hang in there !! There are ways to get through this disagreement!
If I were you, I would brainstorm options. Do some research on the internet and make a list of all the jobs you can do from home. You could do dictation for a lawyer; have a home daycare yourself; be a grocery shopper for older people who cannot get out; etc. Get creative! Or, you could go to work at night when your husband gets home. My brother and sister-in-law do this and it works out well.
I am 25 years old and know how hard it is. I thank God for the blessing of being able to stay at home with my 2 babies. Please don't add to the divorce rate statistics. My parents divorced and it has lasting effects for me now. It's just not the way God designed things to work. Press on! You can do it!

If you do have to put your child in child care - there are many home daycares that charge only $20-$30 for a whole day. If you do get a divorce, you're going to have to work anyway, so try to make it work ;-)!
Blessings to you and your young family!

Answer 5

That is a common situation regarding the cost of childcare versus what you would actually be making from your paycheck afterwards. Personally, I can't afford to work - childcare around here is expensive, as it is where you are. If I worked full time and paid for childcare, I would come out just about even if not a little in the hole. I think it is much more worthwhile to be my child's caretaker and educator in her first few years, instead of having someone else be with her for 8-9 hours a day just so that I can feel "productive" in the workforce - it does not make financial sense for me, and it sounds like it doesn't for you either. Not to mention that being a mom is a very worthwhile job - it's difficult, pays nothing and is often thankless, but it may be the best thing for all of you.
Good luck.

Answer 6

Have you looked at your local base's CDC? They do childcare based on your husband's rank and how much you make if you work. Or a childcare provider who is certified by the Navy? They charge the same as the local CDC would.

You should look into going to school. Where are you stationed? When I was in San Diego, the community colleges had reasonable childcare rates for people who were attending school, so you could go to school while your husband was deployed or whatever.

Having been in your shoes, I think its hard for the guys, when they're gone for so long, they don't really realize what goes in to raising kids during the day. I'm pretty sure the first deployment we went through my husband thought I was sitting around eating bon bons and watching The View. :) You could keep a journal for a day and show your husband exactly what you're doing and at what times. It might help to open his eyes a little.

Answer 7

being a military spouse and having had two kids..i understand both of your points of view...yes you should get a job just a few hours a day out of the house a couple of days a week...if he is gone for months on end..you have nothing for the most part going on other than taking care of your child and keeping your household running..although those are huge undertakings you can be a better mother and spouse by having some time for you...make a little extra cash..talk to adults outside of the house away from or dealing with a child..your child also would learn to be with other kids at some point in the future this will be a good thing for her..you should seriously think about it..if you have a small job outside the house when he comes home..it wont be such an emotional you have to talk to him about everything because there hasnt been anyone else for you to talk too..you would have adult convos everyday

Answer 8

If you cannot get a job that pays more than the cost of child care, then you are correct. There would be no purpose to working for the short term.

However, there is a lot of purpose to working for the long term. You are 20 now, without a degree, and without the ability to get a decent paying job. But you won't be that way forever. It will make economic sense for you to get a job at some point in the future.

What you need to do is go back to school. It will cost more money now, but it will allow you to make more money and lead a better life very soon. Go to school part time, whatever you can afford. After you graduate, you can try to get a job that will allow you to afford child care, and a lot of other things.

Answer 9

If it bothers you that much to leave your daughter I really don't think you should. Society tries to tell us that staying home with our children is some how wrong - but it's not!! They just want more people in the workforce so the country can make more money. Don't let it fool you. You're not a bad person. You're a GREAT mother.
I have an 18 month old. I haven't been working since I was pregnant. We don't have a lot of money now but I would rather have this time to spend with my son. Children NEED their mothers.
I'm sorry that you're having trouble with your husband. Tell him that it's not forever. Your little one will be in kindergarten soon and you will be able to work then. Good luck!

Answer 10

he may feel the need 4 ur help financially. let him no u love him and want to b ther 4 ur little girl, and as it is u feel he is doing a great jo of supporting the 3 of u.

maybe a compromise would b a good way 2 start. c if he will let u wwait til your daughter is older. these r the crucial learning times 4 ur baby. u need her 2 learn who u r.

that being said, u need 2 realize that once she is in school she won't need u 2 b there 24/7. do online schooling 4 u & 4 her. start her on the jump start computer games, so he can see how well u r doing @ teaching her. when u r both ready, she goes off 2 school & u get a good job.
if he needs u 2 b out of the house, go back 2 school part time. but u need 2 b very careful, u married him bc u luv him. respect his decision, while explaining carefully 2 him that it would actually cost u $ 2 send her 2 dc. u earn $7p/h, and spend $8-$12p/h. not a financially smart decision. he may b getting slack from other men in the service, so his manhood may b suffering. hang in there. u can work this out.

Answer 11

I have read much about this and if a child is left in child care too Early a development problem can develop. I have heard it said when they can tie there shoes then it is time to go back to work. But part time back to school a few days a week, to help for work later woud not hurt, The Military can help there also.

As far as Dad there, well he is a little put out as things are different now at home and he feels a Little put out. I think you two need counseling and the Navy has it free for you all.