How can you live life with a dysfunctional family and not let the stress/guilt/negativity consume you?

Question

My family has always had problems. My dad was very verbally abusive growing up. My mother was in denial about the abuse, is critical, & full of head games too. My sisters & I have our own sets of issues, mine being that I have a lot of anxiety in my life. But here's my question - I feel as though I feel better having a safe "distance" from my family, even though we live in the same city. Some times when the head games come out I get angry & tired of it all....but then immediately fall into a "guilt" mode, where I almost feel like I shouldn't feel that way, that I should try to just get over it and instead focus on the fact that at least my parents are still here, etc. I would be hurt to lose any one in my family of course, but that doesn't change the stress that they cause currently. So how can I live with it?? Talking to my parents is futile..my dad doesn't believe he ever did anything wrong, & my mother is the same way about herself. It is a take it or leave it situation.

Answer 1

Just let go of it. I have the same situation, and I am able to tolerate them because I have a couple of hard and fast rules.

- Never bring up the issues. You will not get honesty from them. If you want to discuss the issues, go to a counselor.

- Leave as soon as they start their crap. Simply do not acknowledge it. Never get yourself in a situation where you cannot get away. Do it politely and without drama.
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Answer 2

well I can understand what you are going through. There were a lot of the same things going on in my family. It caused me to develop panic disorder. I don't think there is really any right or wrong answer to this question it all depends on how you feel. What I do is I talk to my mom and dad maybe a few times a month and go to family functions but then in the mean time I keep a healthy distance for my own sake. Try to focus on your self and try not to put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable because your body will find a way to deal with......depression, panic attacks, mood swings, headaches things like that. I take meds and it seems to help but that doesn't mean meds are what you need. I suggest seeing a therapist someone who you can talk to that is not part of the situation......best of luck....carrie

Answer 3

I grew up in a similar situation and it has taken me years to get over it. Some really good therapy helped. The best thing that my therapist ever said to me was, "If you walked the woods and a rattlesnake hissed at you, would you be mad at it?"

Think about that. Of course I said "no" because that's what they do. She said "Exactly. And sometimes people are that way too."

It changed my life! It made me realize that some people are a certain way and it has NOTHING to do with you. You feel guilt because you have a good heart and are a loving person (I can tell) but PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. You need to limit your contact because it's toxic. Of course you love your family but they are obviously not going to take responsibility and apologize to you. And an apology would probably make all the difference in the world.

Someday you will have a family of your own (if you don't have one already) that you can pour all your love into. Moving out of state for awhile may be good for you too!

Best of luck! You'll get through this.

Answer 4

You can't control their behaviour but you can control your response. If you can only tolerate one visit per month, then that's how often you see them. If you feel the mind games coming on, leave (or hang up the phone), firmly but politely.

Most people seem to have some residual guilt related to parents, probably because that is a method of control many parents use either consciously or subconsciously. The trick is not to let the guilt feeling silence you. If you expose it, it has less power.

Give up trying to talk to them about what you see as the problem(s). If they don't see it, then your conversation would only be counter-productive.

Answer 5

The definition of guilt is feeling bad if you do something WRONG. If people are hurting you, it is only self-destructive to LET THEM HURT YOU.
You are an ADULT, YOU CHOOSE WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!!! No one is forcing you do deal with these crazy and hurtful people, you are LETTING them hurt you!!! That is only YOUR OWN FAULT!! If someone came to you with this problem, what would you say?

Get far, far away from them. If they call or invite you over, or want to come over, say you have something else to do. If they keep asking, say NO. if they ask why, TELL THEM WHY - they are destructive to you!!! You are not being mean or selfish or bad, you are protecting yourself!!! You can't change their behavior. If they won't change their behavior, get away from them!!

Answer 6

Ignore guilt. It is a useless emotion.