Is my fiance having an emotional affair? We've been 2gether for 5 yrs and have a 3yr old.?

Question

I just found out that he has been talking some girl that he is attracted to who he met at work.

She is his age, but about to get married. He says she peaked his interest because she is attractive and she is from a different country.

The thing is I found out they spend a lot of tiem on the phone (anywhere from 30 minutes to a little more than an hour per day, over the course of the day, between several calls).

They never talk during the times I am around or I am home.

This has been going on for about two months at the least and he says he is not interested in having sex with her, he just likes to talk to her, as it is something different.

He promises me that he would never do anything to break up our family (we have a 3 yr old daughter), and that I am the one for him, and of course I am sure she knows about his family.

When I brought him this information he opened up, but something in me is telling me it is more than he says it is.

He no longer works at the company, but this has been going on BEHIND MY BACK for 2 months.

My thing is why didn't he tell me?

Why did I have to find out on my own?

I don’t think he understands. I can’t really tell if this is innocent or something to worry about.

We’ve never had any issues before, and we’ve been together for 5 years.

I love him and he treats me well and is a really great man and father, but this is just something I am having a terrible time getting past.

I don't know how to bring this to him because each time we talk about it (which has been twice), I feel better one minute and different the next.

Also, I do not want to keep bringing it up.

I feel hurt and betrayed and I totally do not understand why.

I don't feel like he needs to sop talking to her because if there is a reason to stop, there is a reason it should not have ever started.

I feel that he broke my trust, I do not understand why he kept this a super secret from me if they are only friends.

Answer 1

He is getting something from her that he feels he can't get from you. Ask him what it is...if he doesn't answer then tell him he needs to be honest with himself and ask himself that question. He also needs to walk in your shoes and ask himself how he would feel if you were connecting with another man that way? I always have felt that if you are doing something that you can't do in your mates presence then you shouldn't be doing it...or you don't have the right mate.

Answer 2

People only lie about something that they think is wrong/bad. The fact that he felt he had to lie tells you right there that in HIS head, he knew he was doing something wrong. Now that he's been cornered about it, he's going to give you the "I'd never do that though" card. And you know, maybe he wouldn't. But the fact that it's crossed his mind and the fact that he's lied to you about it seems to tell me that he could very well end up stepping over that boundary line at some point...whether it is with this girl or some one else in the future. It's normal to feel attracted to some one else, but what you do with that attraction is what sets the non-cheaters from the cheaters. Admire some one from afar for their beauty, but realize that you have some one better at home - that's one thing. Cheaters start to casually dip their feet into "dangerous" waters....and slowly they start the transition of that relationship with that other person. I would be pissed if my fiance was keeping that from me AND telling me that he was attracted to this other woman. If I were you, I'd take a good hard look at the overall picture here....you can't always predict a bad situation, plenty of "good guys" have cheated...but as they always say hindsight is 20/20. I would be second guessing the relationship if I were you.

Answer 3

I think you are totally right and that he should consider your feelings and if you are really uncomfortable of them talking then they should stop talking especially if he doesn't work for the company anymore does her to be husband know what is going on? i'm sure he doesn't and it probably would be best for the two of them to stop talking before it gets out of hand and for the sake of your family. Tell him this and see what he says if he get's all mad about it then you know that there might be something more than just talking going on because why does he only talk when you are not around you have every right to feel the way you do i really hope everything works out and i hope he stops whatever he is doing best of luck to you

Answer 4

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I would say this is an emotional affair on the border of something worse. Preception is sometimes reality... If he is talking to/seeing her behind your back what's to stop him from going further? I would feel really uncomfortable in your shoes and wonder if I could trust him.
One way he could ease your tension is by the three of you sitting down perhaps at lunch or dinner so you see how they interact instead of you imagioning what they talk about/do.

Good luck and God Bless you!

Answer 5

You feel hurt and betrayed because he's essentially been lying to you for months.

Before I got married, my fiance did the same thing. He started talking to one of his exes (one he didn't bother to tell me about) and I found out and he finally fessed up - but still. Being lied to by someone you trust and love is the worst feeling.

You have to give it time. I hope he isn't talking to her anymore, but if he is - make him decide. I know that sounds mean ... but you have to watch out for you and your family. If he loves you, he'll knock it off. If he isn't sure - give him the space he wants and go from there.

You will heal - we all do. It's going to be a while, months probably ... but you love this man for a reason. So never loose sight of that.

Answer 6

I think I would feel weird about it too. That's a lot of talking going on between them. I can see once in a while, like friends, "hey, how are you?" type talk but this seems like more. Also, it is slightly suspicious that he never mentioned her to you until you brought it to his attention. I don't think this is something to pass off as nothing. Maybe you can find out why he enjoys talking to her so much. I don't know, but I think there is something deeper going on here.

Answer 7

Usually when people hide things it's for a reason. It sure sounds like he's having an emotional affair! Does he talk to you the same amount of time each day that he talks to her? Does he share the deepest parts of his heart with her or things that should only be shared with you? It doesn't have to be "romantic" between them to be an emotional affair, but if they are sharing their deepest feelings & thoughts with each other it WILL become romantic!!!!! Emotional affairs are sharing of one's deepest feelings that belong with the spouse. I'd highly suggest that you don't ignore your gut. It may be time for some counceling. You may need to put up a boundary with him, by saying you are the type of person who shares her marriage with another woman.
Hang in there! I know this isn't easy!

Answer 8

Bullshit.

If it was so innocent, then how come he was hiding it?

Tell me, if he found out YOU were talking to another male at such lengths in secret, how would he react? My guess he would be PISSED OFF!!!

Sure, maybe he hasn't had sex with her. Thats not what matters at this moment. The fact he was HIDING this PROVES he is CAPABLE of deceiving behavior. And there out the window flies ANY TRUST you had in him.

IF he TRULY loves YOU, he will drop this so called "friendship" with this woman.

If he wont, well, then you have your answer. He isn't worth keeping.

NO MAN gives up his wife and family for some woman who is "Just a friend".

Good luck to you!

Answer 9

RUN!!!
Maybe I'm just old fashion, but my husband better get a lawyer before he tries to get a female friend. I had several guy friends in my time, half of them tried to hit on me, and the other half said they actually got somewhere with me. Therefore I don't believe in opposite sex friendships. There is ALWAYS hidden interest. Whether they are out in the open or way in the back of one of there minds.

Answer 10

I define cheating as being intimate with another person other than your significant other.
When I first read your prob, i thought, its ok that he has a girl--friend. But then you mentioned that he starts going behind your back. ANYTIME THAT SOMETHING IS BEING HIDDEN, THEN HE KNOWS HE IS DOING SOMETHING WRONG. He may not be having sex with this woman but he KNOWS he is doing something wrong--something that you will disapprove of thats why he is going behind your back.
If he keeps doing this, then i suggest you not marry this man because it will continue and he can do it again.
His bestfriend should be you. I am not saying ONLY you but in marriage, husband and wife should be bestfriends. If he cant confide in you and starts looking for someone, then something is definitely wrong.
Is he being defensive when you bring her up? I kind of believe him that he will not do anything to mess up your relationship BUT its a red flag that he started going behind your back. Something is up his sleeve. If he believes he isnt doing anything wrong, he should not have been hiding it.