We aren't married but have been together for 14yrs, he has 3 kids living with EX 23,18,16, I have 2- 26,23 both now living on their own. During the past year I've had some rather not so subtle hints at how they really feel about me and how I'm not part of the "family". I've been to every family event, holidays, birthdays, etc. My grandson, born 04/06 invited all to shower.. non showed .2 sent gifts 2 no RSVP,no gift ,no card. Christmas.. same 2.. no card no gift! Then last weekend mother passed.( called baby greatgrandson) Pastor asked family(I was asked) to give poem or say something about her. I found a really nice poem Ito read.. Brother did nice power point presentation, asked me for pictures. I gave them a web address for my "photo albums" told them some I thought would be nice. Told at service he couldn't pull any from the site but "put in pictures of everyone they had not to worry". Not only did my poem NOT get read, NO pictures included. I'm really hurt by this. Tell or Not?
2007-10-15 18:11:08 · 12 answers · asked by Ramoth41 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
They did as an after thought, include my kids in a separate flower arrangement, because "they felt bad they weren't included in the one from the grandchildren" Also I was asked to take pictures of all the flowers for the family to have and send to those not able to attend.
AND to rub salt in the EX was there and treated more like family than I have ever been.. and I know they dislike her in no uncertain terms! All because we aren't married! I really think now that Mom is gone it's going to get harder to gain acceptance from the more "religious" side of the family..
This is really painful for me and I don't know what to do..
2007-10-15 18:25:29 · update #1
we are engaged but just haven't "done the deed" lol 1st it was for tax and EX reasons now we just figured it didi't really matter to us, we are happy they way we are... but seems it does to them.. I don't want to get married because they want usto I want to get married because WE want to.. both of use were married for 15 yrs last time and for all the wrong reasons
2007-10-15 18:33:48 · update #2
Um, I have more questions than answers. But maybe these will help you figure out what to do.
You've been together for 14 years. From what I read, you don't have any children with this man. But you both have previous partners and had children with them.
It is possible that your partner's family considers you some sort of an usurper, whether that's true or not. They may not be comfortable with your relationship status. Are any of these people religious? They may not approve of your relationship for those reasons.
It's clear that they don't mind being passive-aggressive and rejecting. So, where's your partner in all this? Why doesn't he stick up for you? If there's anybody in this family you can safely ask, and expect an honest answer, you are welcome to try. Just don't be angry or accusing about it, because if you annoy anybody, don't expect them to talk.
It's your partner that I'm worried about. You hardly mention him in your problem description. Why have you been with somebody who, for 14 years, has not stuck up for you? You mention "in the past year." Did something happen in the past year? Is it only in the past year that something changed and they started ignoring you? In that case, I'd ask your partner to get to the bottom of it.
I do sympathize with you, and I don't think you should have to remain silent. But if these people don't like you and don't consider you family, you may not get far by doing the complaining yourself. I really think your partner will have to speak to them.
2007-10-15 18:30:59 · answer #1 · answered by chuck 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I say no don't say anything... First of all would it really change how they feel about you? Do you really think it wpuld make them think of you more as family? Second, I don't know if this is thier reason, but you are not married.... If you want to be seen as family, maybe you need to officially join the family via marriage. I know it sounds old fashioned, and I am not telling you how to live - but you can't expect everyone to agree with the decisions you and your boyfriend have made ( to live together all of these years without marriage ) either
Well if you don't want to get married "Because they want you to" then I suggest you stop worrying about how they treat you or how they regard you. You are not respectng thier beliefs so they are being disrespectful to you. Again, I am not saying they are right, but it seems clear that you knew the score when you "joined" this family, if you wanted to make it easier you would get married....
2007-10-15 18:18:26 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If its bothering you, which obviously it is, say something. If you bottle things up its going to hurt you, not them, and yes it will affect your health. I have been there and am currently having to learning to open up and saying how I feel about things, even if I come across as the evil stepmother or ungrateful daughter-in-law. Granted it might not work the way you expect but once you get whats bothering you out in the open, it should help the way you feel. I was shaking after I told my mother-in-law that I how I felt about her giving something that was made for my wedding to my daughter-in-law because she wanted it for her wedding, when I was never even asked if I wanted it. So yes I know where you are coming from.
2007-10-15 18:38:27 · answer #3 · answered by Chris C 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel. My husband and I have been married for 24 years and have 5 children together. I have never really been accepted as part of his family and our children are not treated like the other grandchildren. I'm a bit bitter, I've let my husband know that I do not accept them as part of my family and neither do our kids. I think you just have to chalk it up as their loss and don't make it too important to you.
2007-10-15 18:21:00 · answer #4 · answered by Ellen L 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That you are not married apparently matters a lot to them. They may regard you as some mooch their father picked up.
Get him to marry you.
You can throw a nice little ceremony without spending a whole lot, but still make it public enough so they get the idea that you aren't going anywhere.
Other than that, there isn't much you can do.
2007-10-15 18:19:01 · answer #5 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
UH...YEAH! Unless you say something...they will NEVER know how you feel. PLUS, whats the worse that could happen, they'll either hate you or see that you DO care about the family. (COMMUNICATION is the only way to get across to someone) In this case they need to know, if not you'll torture yourself dying to know what they think. OR...JUST BE YOURSELF, and if they don't want to accept you...there's really nothing you can do but live YOUR OWN life.
2007-10-15 18:21:00 · answer #6 · answered by Kilikina 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dizz we all do it sweetie, being honest and tell them how you feel is the best way of dealing with it. If they are a true friend they will see past mistakes and forgive. Love ya hun Hugs Sugar bug
2016-05-22 21:48:57 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should tell your family how you feel, that must hurt alot to not feel included, just tell one of them how you feel and im sure things will work out for the best. Good luck!!!
2007-10-15 18:18:04 · answer #8 · answered by writersbestfriend 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
been married to my wife for 10 years (I'm her second husband)
her dad still refers to me as "the bastard who is raping my daughter"
whenever they have a family get-together they make sure to tell my wife that I am not invited
from the day they met me they have been openly hostile and rude and it only got worse as time went on
I stay away from them and refuse to allow them on my property
it really angers them that their grandsons (wifes nephews) look up to me and spend alot of time with me
2007-10-15 22:57:02 · answer #9 · answered by 1 free American 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell them how you feel once you get it off your chest you might feel better and that was pretty low of them not to read your poem
2007-10-15 18:18:53 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋