I cried today, after what my brother told me, there is nothing I can do, or is there?

Question

My brothers children from his second marriage are becoming the same as his children from his first marriage. So sad, to see children, sexually active, so young, my niece is 12, and has had many boys, my nephew is 17 and has been with several girls, I just don't know what they need, what is it they are needing. The obvious one is affection and love from their parents, why do, they need to "start" so young with this side of their life.
Young people out there, please share. Why, is it so attractive to you all, what is it that you need, that you feel you are getting from casual sex.

These children have lived with their mother, with their father seeing them every 2nd weekend for approx. 6 years.

My ex sister-in-law, who was abused herself by her father, has put her on the pill?
My brother has offered her everything to live with him, it is heartbreaking, it is like out of control.
Sex at this age is so powerful, it becomes an identity, Those that do and those that don't.

Thank you all so much for all answers, all very much appreciated. I will show my other brother these, as he has no children yet, and also it may force him to try to talk to mother. She won't talk to me. Interesting, my brothers feels he has tried everything, am I feel he sees love as what you give. We are all products of those first yrs to some extent, until we find something greater, God. My sister in law has "her God", who she shes as looking after her, and wont let anything happen to12yr. Such a childlike way to live. She thinks God is the great intervenor, so to her all is fine.
Such "head under blanket" stuff, does not cut it.

Answer 1

Unfortunately kids from broken marriages are not looking for attention. They are looking for love, even if it is only for the moment. It's sad. They think they are grown up because they are home alone if Mom or Dad works and at that age they really do have the wrong idea of grown up. Also peer pressure is so much stronger that parental pressure. They also think it makes them popular, but that is not the kind of popular that they should be.Talk to them if you can especially if their parents don't know how to have the talk. Most kids listen better to Aunts or Uncles and can tell them things they can't tell their parents. You can't talk about not having sex just once, it has to be talked about a lot. They may make faces and act like they are not listening but they really are listening....Just keep talking. You will get through to them. I speak from experience with my kids and nieces and nephews. Be honest and upfront with them they will love you more for it.

Answer 2

I'll tell you why kids do this.... it is because they have not learned to value themselves. And they don't value their lives or their bodies because the parents have not shown them proper self-love from the time they are born.

Children don't want your money, or your toys.... they don't even want organized "activities" or a big house. They want to have sincere and honest quality TIME with their parents. So many parents today (and for several decades now) are giving up spending real quality time with their kids so that the family can have a fancier car or a bigger house or more "stuff".... that's not worth devaluing your children.

I say, tighten the belt a bit and show your kids that their emotional well-being is more important than making sure they have the latest video game system. Take the job with fewer hours (and yes, less pay) so you can be there when your kid comes home from school to help them with homework. Skip the soccer practice and play ball with you kids yourself.

Forget daycare, if you absolutely cannot have one parent stay home with your child, ask a relative to be there for them or shift your hours so the child knows that they are important enough to make sacrifices for.

Some people say today's kids are too self-centered, but I don't think it's true, I think they are too spoiled by being showered with "stuff" so they expect more and more to feel like they are loved.

Children who grow up in an unstable, unsupportive environment feel lost in this world and will constantly search for that place where they feel loved. If your brother and his wives had spent a little less time worrying about themselves and a little more time being role-models for their children, then things would probably have turned out very different.

All you can do now is hope that these kids don't get hurt and let them know just how much you value them.... they will eventually figure out that they should value themselves. Although, sadly, it will probably take a professional councilor to help them see that since they have gotten this far in life without being shown how to honor themselves.

Spend time with them, really talk and really listen to them, and encourage your brother to do the same and then things will get better.

Answer 3

There is something WAY WRONG when a 12 year old girl has had many boys, very likely someone older has introduced her to sexual activity. Chances are the same is true of her older brother. I'm obviously unfamiliar with these children, but I'm not unfamiliar with abuse. All children are being exposed to numerous advertisements that contain sexual reference and many, too many shows with sexual context. They aren't allowed to be children long enough. One sign of child sexual abuse is promiscuous behavior or its opposite where a person is reluctant to get involved sexually at the appropriate time as an adult.

I was sexually abused in early childhood and it hurts me to even think about other young people being used and abused by anyone. Sex is intended as a wonderful, bonding pleasure in marriage. It's abuse and misuse robs people of this gift. She deserves better!!!
Unless you have some kind of influence in the lives of these kids, there doesn't seem much you can do for them. But, I am telling you, there is something wrong here. If the girl's parents will listen to you, suggest some help for her. There are so many bad things that can happen from what she's doing.

Answer 4

robertiz and tash gave great answers to your heartbreaking question, Astro. the "why" of it all cannot be addressed, it is too late for that approach. The mother of the children held forth a bad example, Brittany S and company glorified in the media sophisticate children long before there is maturity sufficient to handle the information.

Rapid legal intervention is needed for the 12 y/o along with heavy duty counseling and life coaching. Her values were set by age 7 so any change will have to come from inside her. The child needs an environment with values to which she has not been exposed. She is living up to the what she has been taught.

Answer 5

I am really sick right now, I'll try to write more tomorrow when I feel better, but couldn't log out without saying something.

The mother has condoned what her daughter is doing by putting her on the pill. She's given her daughter the OK to have unprotected sex. She may think she's doing the right thing by trying to prevent her daughter from getting pregnant, but the pill doesn't protect against herpes, chlamydia and AIDS!! The child should be under 24 supervision, because she is just that : a child.

I'd like to know what moron of a doctor prescribed contraceptive pills to a 12 year old. They should be reported.

Your brother needs get custody of his daughter. This is an emergency. The poor kid is going to wind up with an STD. Her mother is guilty of child endangerment.

Answer 6

I don't know which country you live in. Apparently not in a No-Sex-Before-Marriage one. Considering the fact, that even the US is on its way to become one, me hearing smart and good looking college boys saying they are virgins...
As a European standard I would say the 17-year-old boy is doing all right (well, you didn't say when he started though).
As for the 12 -year-old girl, that's not tolerable. I don't understand why the parents just don't forbid it. In most countries it would be a crime to have sex with a child, anyway, who are the men? same age (not possible), 16, 17? 15? 30?

Speculating about the reasons is hard. But she definitely need psychological help. There is something like sex addiction, and there are people with strong sex drives, but in the case of the 12-year-old (we even don't know when she started, either) no possible excuse is needed. She is a child. Period. And if she isn't to be a prostitute by 14 (unless she already is), she needs strict help (if this expression exists).

To risk one speculation she seems to have a big problem with her father (lack of attention or love) or she was abused in earlier years.

Answer 7

The 12-year-old is a very serious concern. I would discuss with your brother whether he wants to contact the judge who has jurisdiction over the custody in their case. A 12-year-old who is allowed enough independence to have an active sex life is not being raised properly. There is real risk to her physical and psychological health.

The 17-year-old boy is a lesser concern, but still needs to have a serious discussion about sexual morality and also about the diseases and risk of involuntary fatherhood. Remember that with DNA testing, it's not like the days when a guy could easily lie his way out of responsibility. Maybe you'd better have a real heavy talk with your brother, and if possible with the kids themselves.

Answer 8

It is sad, somehow the famility unity has been put aside for the chasing of the mighty $, and let me tell you Astro, it will get worst, now, You don't have to torture yourself about it, the best you can do is be their friend, and let them confide in you, and maybe, just maybe something will click and they will come to their senses, I don't think you should become their councelor, only their friend, Sometimes your example may make more of an impact than all the preaching. I like that you have a soft heart, and you have the courage to share your feelings here, where we can let ourselves open to the criticism of 'some' ignoramous-insensitive people, but all in all, we can always weave thru the answers. May you live long, and may you be happy.

Answer 9

I feel for you, but human nature being what is is, the sexual drive is the most powerful force in anyone, especially at a young age. Unfortunately parents are loathe to educate their children about the consequences of early sexual activity ,and spontaneous love is lacking in many cases. It has always been that way, and it will continue to be that way, hopefully the young ones will find a way to cope.

Answer 10

It is sad that it is getting younger and younger. I am 18 and when I was 12, i cared about school and friends. Now, all I hear is about 12 year olds having sex the minute they hit puberty. Its sad. I guess it's their need to feel cared about by the opposite sex, the need to feel someone loves them, whether or not they are actually in love. Also, sex may give them the feeling of being like an adult, which kids also want to feel more like.