My boyfriend and I have decided an year ago that we would get married. Now, his parents are forcing us to get married and I would so love to do that this December. I have a 3 week long vacation and Christmas would be so perfect time! So..what is the problem?
My elder sister is going through a rough time and in the conservative family I'm born in, I cannot get married before her. She is now seeing a guy and hopefully things will get good for her. But, I do not know if that will happen before Xmas. His parents have asked me couple of months back..if we atleast wanted to have an engagement party @ Xmas. Things were really bad then and I said no. I wanted to wait out for my sister. Now, i'm going chicken and want my engagement to happen. I have asked my boyfriend if this was still a possibility. He sternly says "NO. IT IS TOO LATE TO ARRANGE EVERYTHING AND INVITE EVERYBODY. " My parents are really worried about my sister and I don't know how to tell them either. Am I just being selfish?
2007-10-15 15:31:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Another reason why I do not want to wait is that if I cannot do it this Christmas, it would not be until the next one. Don ask me why it has to be only at Christmas. It just has worked for all the family to come together over vacation and some other stuff.
It would really hurt my sister if I got married before her. She has had a bad accident which killed her self confidence.
2007-10-15 15:42:22 · update #1
Thankyou everybody for your replies. I am 27 years old, I have a good job and have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. We have been living together for 2 years now. Thats the reason why his parents ask us to get married. My family and my sister do not ask me to wait. They are totally supportive of me getting married before my sister. But, I just cannot make myself do that. I have ahrd time convincing myself that it is ok. I just keep thinking that it will hurt my sister.
2007-10-17 03:54:53 · update #2
Honey, how long are you willing to wait? Your parents are worried about your sister, and maybe they have reason to be, but would your staying unmarried guarantee your sister would improve?
Also, you say "his parents are forcing us to get married." This does not bode well for your future happiness. The time to get married is when you and your boyfriend feel ready, want to be married to each other, and are ready to make a lifetime commitment to each other. It's after you've talked about a lot of big issues - like how you want to live your lives, what you want from life, how you think you might get the lives you want, how you plan to handle money, decisions, disagreements, kids, etc.
This is not a cocktail party you're scheduling - it's the beginning of your lives together. Too many people focus on the wedding and not on the marriage - and you'll spend far more time being married than you will getting married (unless you do it for the wrong reasons, in which case the wedding can last longer).
If you and your boyfriend aren't mature enough to sit down together and decide what works for BOTH of you, then let your families know what your JOINT decision is, you aren't ready to be married.
That said, if you and he are sure you're ready and know when you want to do it, then you tell your families "We're getting married (insert date). Isn't that wonderful?" If you both want to get married at Christmas because everyone will be together, that's great - but it doesn't sound like you're anywhere near ready to do it THIS Christmas.
You should sit down and discuss your plans with your parents, calmly. Let them know that you care about your sister and want to be supportive, and that you're concerned about her. She might need professional help to get her life back on track so she can live her best possible life.
It isn't, however, reasonable to hold you and your boyfriend hostage in the hopes that things will work out for your sister and the guy's she's dating. For one thing, it puts a lot of pressure on your sister and that guy. She needs to find the right person for her, not the first available person so she can clear the way for you to get married. Also, it puts your relationship in limbo - who knows when you would be able to marry on this schedule?
There is no way to please everyone in this scenario, I'm sorry to say. You and your boyfriend need to have some serious talks about some very important stuff (that will impact the health and longevity of your marriage), make plans for your future, and talk to your families like two adults. If you can't do that, you do need to put of the wedding.
2007-10-15 16:50:33 · answer #1 · answered by peculiarpup 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is this - The Taming of the Shrew?? You and your boyfriend need to sit down and have a long talk. You need to plan your lives together and do what is best for the both of you. When you figure that out you move forward together. You do not get engaged or married when it is convienient for other people. You don't need to have a party to be engaged, I don't understand that part. You want a Christmas wedding then do it. Planning it for This year might be hard but it is not impossible. If you can get invites out ASAP you can get them back by Thanksgiving. This is for a wedding - there is no reason why you don't have enough time to plan an engagement party.
It sounds like you both have a lot of maturing to do.
2007-10-16 03:09:22 · answer #2 · answered by JM 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand you not wanting to hurt your sister, but come on, if you are old enough to get married then you are an adult, old enough to make your own choices. It is very short notice to marry this year, but could be done, what if your sister never gets her stuff together and you are never able to get married, I think it very unreasonable to expect you to wait til your sister is married, and selfish of her to hold you back like that, this is no longer the Victorian era, if you two are happy and want to marry then you should just do it. If I were you I would have an engagement party this year and plan your wedding for next Christmas.
2007-10-15 22:54:04 · answer #3 · answered by sparkleythings_4you 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although your commitment to family is admirable it is probably unreasonable for you to wait to marry until your elder sister does. You and your boyfriend need to be free to do things in your own time. Perhaps the engagement party over Christmas is a good idea. You wouldn't want to rush the wedding preparations. All the best. Hope things work out well.
2007-10-15 16:01:08 · answer #4 · answered by Mim 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your family is being selfish. You can't put your life on hold because of your sister. But also, it isn't right of his parents to force you to get married.
What do YOU want? Figure that out, and then do it. Don't apologize, don't ask permission, but don't be mean either. Be firm..."this is what I am going to do. I hope you can support this decision."
ETA: It is sad that your sis had an accident and has no self-confidence anymore. But that is completely separate from your marriage. Even if she has no self-confidence, you cannot place your life on hold. She will never gain her confidence back or recover correctly if everyone turns the world upside down to make things easier for her. She cannot stop experiencing life, and that includes the marriage of her sister.
2007-10-15 15:43:54 · answer #5 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are under no legal obligation to follow family tradition. You should weigh the potential conflict which might result with your future seperation from your family. That wasn't very clear. By tradition, a man leaves his family and cleaves unto himself a wife. Extending that, a woman would also leave her family and cleave unto her husband. The relationship changes with marriage. You will still be a daughter and a sister, BUT you will be your husband's wife first. Even so, he will be your husband before any other relationship. Whatever you decide, you do it together for each other's benefit. Your parents and sister come next after your spouse. BUT...you are not yet married. Good luck!
2007-10-15 15:43:46 · answer #6 · answered by Jack 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey, have you every made a decision for yourself? "His parents are forcing us to get married . . ." What? Are you pregnant? How can they FORCE you to get married? "I can't get married before her." Huh? What on earth does your sister's love life have to do with yours?
Leave your sister out of this. I don't care how conservative your family is, it is downright 18th-century to be worried about marrying before your older sister! Are you really going to base your entire future happiness and marriage on the whims of your sister's love life? That's nuts. Her self-esteem is going to have to find someone else to prop it up. You need to get on with your life.
An engagement doesn't have a set period -- it can be as short as a day, or as long as years . . . there's nothing wrong with becoming engaged now.
Your boyfriend is being unreasonable -- two months is PLENTY of time to plan a party. Heck, I bet I could do it in two HOURS. (And I'm still trying to figure out how his parents could force you to do ANYTHING . . .)
2007-10-15 16:21:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
as a wedding planner I would say "No, you are not being selfish." If your sister is no where near marriage and you are her and your family should respect that. Also It is October... that gives you about 2 months to plan an engagement party, if you act fast you can pull it off. if you do not act fast do not expect a lot of out of town guests to be able to make it.
and what do you mean that his parents are "Forcing" you two to get married?
2007-10-15 16:07:14 · answer #8 · answered by theperfectpaircwp 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, but it's downright archaic to have to wait for your older sister to get married first. What if she never gets married? Does that mean you have to sacrifice your happiness and whole life for her? You have a very selfish family, only thinking about what they want. In fact, your boyfriend and his family sound selfish too. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy for once. You don't mention anything about love. Go out and find a man who'll love you and just doesn't want a puppet he can play with and pull the strings any time he wants you to dance.
2007-10-15 15:59:43 · answer #9 · answered by bobsbreezy 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it is stupid that your family is making you wait until your sister gets married. What happens if she never does? Does that mean you have to be unmarried the rest of your life? I think people let their families influence them too much. It is your life, do what makes you happy. Your sisters self confidence is her own problem and you getting married should not affect that at all. If it does then she is taking things too personally. You should not have to plan your life around what she does.
2007-10-15 15:42:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋