Why do I freak out when Im happy????

Question

Everytime things are going well, I freak out. When I feel happy, I panic. To the point that when something bad happens I feel almost releived. I know its crazy, but those feelings are familar to me and being happy freaks me out because my past has proven it will only "last so long" before something bad happens~which it usually happens all at once. Sometimes I think I even CAUSE things to screw up just a little because, as much as I say I hate the drama, it feels like a rush when I get it. I want to break this pattern and am not sure how. Everyone is telling me counselling, yes I know it helps. But I have no choice but to work 40plus hours to support my 3 kids(I am a single parent) so I dont even have time for it. (And yes I am on medication) But I still crave cutting and sometimes almost hope for an excuse to do it and I know its sick and as much as I wanna let go, Im freaked out because part of me, in a sick way, likes the feeling. Im so conflicted adn I just want to stop the struggle

Answer 1

Its NOT ABOUT HAPPINESS!!! NEVER WAS!!! Thats the big problem, I even got HEAVYLY envolved with a lady almost like you, didn't have the chance to say this, so you get it=). Ether way, PEACE is what your after, but your not going to know peace unless you know how to FIGHT FOR IT!!! WERE ALL WARRIORS!!! To a fault were all only truely happy when were fighting for something, anything. And lets face it, when dramas happening, we feel like were fighting for something, even its just to keep the stablity. So guess what? YOUR NATURAL, YOUR NORMAL!!!! Most people hide this tendency, but unless you have something worthy to fight for, your just going to be chaotic with your approach, this is were religion use to play a big hand for us, no more thou...... but yep stay away from happiness, learn to fight for peace, and you'll be able to use this tendency for what it was met for, fighting for life....