There's a guy who I'm pretty sure likes me and is wanting to ask me out. However, he's morbidly obese! Now before you start judging me, let me just say I have gone out with guys who are overweight, and also guys who are underweight. NONE of that is an issue! :-) I don't expect guys to have perfect bodies, mine certainly isn't perfect.
However, this guy truly is an example of morbid obesity. He's only about 5'6" and looks like he weighs at least 250 pounds, probably more. He even has trouble walking (he waddles instead of walking) and can barely sit in a standard chair.
Being overweight or underweight does not turn me off, but morbid obesity does. I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but I know I speak for most people (whether they admit it or not) that morbid obesity is definitely a turn-off.
I just wondered if I should use one of those stupid fibs like "Sorry, I'm busy" or "I'm already seeing someone" if he asks me out, or if there's ANY tactful, unhurtful way to be truthful w/ him?
2007-10-15 08:24:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
So many good answers, and so quickly! :) Thank you all for that, and also for not judging me. I realize I may have sounded overly defensive, so here is the reason why:
Some of my friends have asked similar questions to mine, and have had people get very nasty and judgemental, calling them names, calling them prejudiced and superficial, just because they're not attracted to someone for this reason or that reason, etc. I don't know why people like to be so harshly judgemental of complete strangers! :(
So, you can see why I was expecting to have people judge me harshly as well. But I'm glad I was wrong! :)
2007-10-15 08:43:13 · update #1
I just answered a question similar in nature recently, and maybe you will find that answer helpful. Here it is:
It is always ironic that people do this, both guys and girls. They try to dance around the issue in hopes of not hurting the other person, when the truth is they are hurting the other more than if they did what they don't want to do.
The more time you let go by through ignoring and avoiding him the more he is going keep liking you. You are doing a disservice to him and yourself. I am guessing you don't like this very much. In fact, this probably weighs on you more and more as each day goes by. It is going to be as much a benefit for him as it will be for you to tell him you are not interested.
It is OK to tell him directly that you are not interested and don't like him like that. You are not being mean or snotty. In fact, you are being thoughtful and considerate (no matter what anyone else may say or think). You see, this is something he needs to know because you know he likes you. Your ONLY RESPONSIBILITY here is to tell him you are not interested. You should do this in a respectful manner. However, you need to be extremely clear to him and very direct so as to let him no there is no chance. If you give him any glimmer of hope he is very likely to cling on to that and continue liking you. This is very important.
Once you have done this, you need to understand that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FEELINGS. He is the only one responsible for his feelings. Like I said above, you need to be respectful and considerate, but you don't have any responsibility for his feelings and you should not feel guilty one bit. You have no control over how he is going to react and how he reacts is his own problem to deal with. I don't say that in a mean light, but it is true. If he is very hurt or cries when you tell him this that is because he "wagered everything" emotionally on you liking him in return, and you have no control or no responsibility for that, it's all on him. He might not take it very hard at all, there is a chance for this too. Realistically though, he is going to be hurt to some degree. I know it doesn't feel good to know you are very likely to hurt someone and that is never easy (and doesn't get any easier) but you owe it to him and yourself to tell him clearly and directly you don't like him.
This is one those times when doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do, but you will be rewarded for this and so will he. This is going to be a wonderful learning opportunity for both of you, even though you may not see it now and it is going to be difficult for both you right now. But you will both learn from this and that is so important. For him, he will learn what he needs to do for himself the next time he likes a girl. For you it is a lesson in how to be direct and upfront with someone, and that is very difficult for so many people (kids and adults) to do. I hope you really understand why you must tell him and why you aren't responsible for his feelings. This is the most important lesson for you.
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I would simply tell him you are interested in him like that or you do not like him that way, but he doesn't need to know the reason why. All he needs to know is you don't want to go out with him and there is no chance of it happening. If you tell him one of those stupid fibs you are only hurting yourself and him. Telling him "sorry, I'm busy" will give him hope that maybe next week you are free, and you will just continue to lie to him until he figures out what is going on (and that will hurt). If you tell him you're seeing someone, he may well find out you aren't and that would hurt.
There is nothing you can say to him that is going to be unhurtful, but if you do like I say it will be very tactful and truthful. Please trust me on this.
I always wished girls would have just been straight up and honest with me if they didn't want to go out with me. I am a big boy and always was, I can handle being told no. It's when they play me for a f*cking fool I was hurt and upset, not because they didn't want to go out with me. He will be able to handle to it and he will move on, and if for some reason he can't that is none of your responsibility.
And on top of all this, you have the right to date whoever you want for any reason, and you don't have to justify that reason to anyone. Who you go out with is your own personal choice and should have no bearing on anything anyone else says or thinks. This is not an equal opportunity job interview, where everyone has a chance regardless, this is all about you! Just be respectful and courteous to those that "want to apply" who "won't be getting an interview" to be possibly be your man.
2007-10-15 08:44:35 · answer #1 · answered by cagewalker 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The Truth is indestructable. The Truth hurts. You want the truth...you cant handle the truth...etc.. Honesty goes a long way. Even if u use 1 of those "im busy" fibs then he is gonna be pissed off and hurt anyway, coz when girls say they are to busy to see some1 we no its a lie and liars suck, If you tell him the real reason then he might do something about it. If you dont kno that ur doing something wrong, how will you ever fix it.
2007-10-15 15:38:04 · answer #2 · answered by What! 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First of all, don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for not being attracted to a morbidly obese person.
Everybody has different likes and dislikes.
And it is sooooo important to be attracted to the person you are dating, and that's something you can't fake.
But here's the tough part....
be honest with this guy.
You can be honest without saying "I'm not going to date you because you look like a walrus."
You can be honest by just keeping it simple and saying, "you know, you're really nice and everything but you're not my type."
He doesn't need to know what you mean by him not being your type. He doesn't need to know that it's because he's fat.
Therefore, you spare him the hurt feelings without being dishonest.
But that's just my suggestion.
:D
2007-10-15 15:33:35 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Tell him the truth, people need to know so they have a chance to improve. Of course you want to avoid this situation where possible but it might help him realize that he needs to improve his situation. Wow if you are willing to go out with these guys I wonder what my chances are, I am in perfect fitness and workout fairly often :P
It might be best to bring in a friend and introduce them as your boyfriend, that ought to get the message across to him or tell him you have a boyfriend that is overseas or in another state.
2007-10-15 15:30:05 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
no, be straight with him, hopefully you'll hurt him enough to get him going, for his own sake. Pain is a great motivator. You don't have to be so defensive either. Part of a relationship is physical attraction, wheather we like to admit it or not. just like non compatible personalities cannot date, neither can non compatible physical bodies. I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, and please tell him the truth, 4 your own good. If he's really that big I don't think anyone will judge you. it's part of life
2007-10-15 15:32:36 · answer #5 · answered by Nate 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are not attracted to him, you don't need to feel compelled to let him know why. You can just be clear with him that you're not interested in him romantically.
Would you be friends with him? If so, and he asks you out, you should make it clear that you just want to be friends, nothing more. It's not necessary to tell him that he's too big for you.
2007-10-15 15:34:32 · answer #6 · answered by soelo 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Say sorry at this time I cannot go out with you because in the end I would hurt you I need someone who will not only take care of me but also take care of their body and themselves
GIVE HIM A SMILE and SLOWLY WALK AWAY
PS I completely agree with you This is what i told a similar dude
2007-10-15 15:30:19 · answer #7 · answered by meri 6 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Just simply tell him that you would love to be friends with him and that is all. That shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings and its honest.
2007-10-15 15:32:19 · answer #8 · answered by Mare23 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
telling him that you're not insterested as early as possible would be the right thing to do...telling the truth would do him a a big favor...telling him why shouldn't be your problem, but knowing how to take it should be his...
2007-10-15 15:36:49 · answer #9 · answered by Pj 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Simply say, "No, but thank you asking." or "I appreciate your interest but don't share it. Thank you though." and smile (not goofy grin, but a smile of thanks) so your appreciation will appear sincere.
Don't lie (bad karma) and don't say anything hurtful...show that you respect that he had the courage to ask you out but you simply don't reciprocate his interest.
2007-10-15 15:30:26 · answer #10 · answered by . 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋